I drove around today looking at different angles of the clouds. I watched from different views. I watched from different times. The clouds were ever changing. The sky is always there but it is never quite the same. Moment to moment the sky changes. In just 20 minutes it went from puffy cotton sunshine to dark and rainy. I look at the sky and I feel a peace. After I got home my sweet owl was waiting. The rain came down but in the break I went outside to see if she was still there. She was fanning out her wings to dry. Her brother flew off like he always does but she stayed and chatted with me until it started to rain again. I took a picture of her but she was so high above my head it looks like a blob. But it is her. You can see the edges of her tail feathers.
I watched the sky change over that 20 minutes and I thought about my life in this last year. One year ago I broke. Life truly broke me. We all have a breaking point. I didn’t know what mine was until I got there. It was after my dog died of cancer.
That was my low. Since then I have been fighting so hard to get back to me. Rebuild. Face old wounds and start to restore. I don’t know why looking at the clouds reminded me of my breaking point. Watching them move and change so quickly and then the rain just brought up how quickly my life changed. I was managing. Hanging on by a thread and when that thread broke I was oh so broken. I would have thought it would have happened much earlier like when my daughter had her kidney removed, or when my daughter had her gallbladder removed, or when my daughter went ot the ER 30 something times, or when I was sexually assaulted, or when I was diagnosed with a muscle disease, or when I realized my family were all just awful people who left me when I was at my lowest, or when my health kept taking a turn for the worse…but none of those things did it. It was the loss of my dog. That is what broke me. In that brokenness I have learned to look for the light. I have learned to look at the clouds in a completely different way, as a gift. I am no where near feeling healed. But I have faced the demons. I am just trying to bring back the light to as many areas as I can. It may only be for a moment but I will embrace it. The thread finally breaks because the rope that it once was has been chopped at and sawed at and frayed by events far out of our control. I knew the rope was getting thin. It took the final thread to break for me to put the gravity of the events of my life in perspective. I have grown. I demand more, I expect more, and I have boundaries I never knew I would. I have self love and self respect, two things I never even would have looked for. I know I am still broken in many ways. But I do not hide. I expose what I am going through, struggles and victories, because this is real. People need real. This life needs raw and purity. There are far too many people walking around in denial and in denial there will never ever be justice. I stand with others who want to live in the truth. I am blessed to have many standing by my side.