I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO NOT FORGIVE

I have padlocks on various parts of me. Trauma parts, memory parts, body parts, brain parts. They key to those locks for me is NOT forgiveness. One day it may be. It may NEVER be. We each have what unlocks the healing pathways. Some have therapy, massage, hypnosis, yoga. Some things that help one may be a trigger for another. Religion and church may be healing for one and it may be triggering for another. Being touched may be a huge trigger for one while for another it may allow safe touch. Either way, healing is individualized. I don’t believe you can put a group of people in a room and give them the exact therapy and have the exact results.

I tried somatic therapy. I hated it. Some find it remarkable. Some find DBT very healing. Some don’t.

Depending on the trauma and life experiences we each go through the gamut of emotions and not ONE in particular is the key to each person’s healing. Crying may help one but not another. Chopping up furniture and feeling rage may help one but not another.

There is no catch phrase to heal from trauma.

I often read articles, medical journals, blogs. I research healing modalities. While doing this I ALWAYS run across “Forgiveness is the key to all healing.” That simple? Just forgive? Or maybe that person isn’t putting a time stamp on how long this will take. Maybe it will happen if we are JUST strong enough or just have enough faith to do it? Maybe it will happen if we just become such enlightened beings that we are able to absolve all of the traumas they have inflicted? A lifetime? A month?

How can one person, any person, tell another that they JUST need to forgive and all will be ok.

I don’t accept that.

I don’t believe that.

I know for a fact that it is an oversimplified insensitive sentence to throw out as a “fix all.”

Well, person saying it, there is no ONE “fix all.”

Healing is a process.

During that process there are levels of letting go. During that process there are levels of growth and enlightenment based on THAT person healing themself, NOT what they are willing to do for someone else. I’ve heard “forgiveness is for the forgiver because it releases the chains.” What if I just want to release the chains by saying, “ Fuck you you mother fucker for ruining my life!” Oh but that is too angry and there are so many rules right? Anger is a poison that will eat you up? I’ve heard that too.

Anger can cause negative things to happen. Anger, also used and channeled correctly, can release a lifetime of feeling silenced.

I watched the sunset tonight and was lost in it. I was not thinking about one thing on my list of fix its. I was not thinking about one thing at all. I felt peace. In that peace I feel a healing in my heart, soul, and body.

I once chopped up my cheating boyfriend’s furniture. In chopping up his furniture I felt a rage and then came a peace. In that rage came a peace that created a feeling of closure over that trauma.

“Forgiveness isn’t for them it’s for you.” I mean do the forgiveness quotes ever end?

FUCK THEM! I don’t have to forgive any of them. Not one of them. It doesn’t hurt me to not forgive them it empowers me to know that I don’t HAVE to be FORCED to do ANYTHING in regards to them. I can let them fly away into the metaphorical hot air ballon, or maybe a tornado. Is that forgiveness enough? Letting go enough?

If you want to forgive…forgive. Whatever that word means to each person, if they feel it will benefit them in their healing process then by all means work through that. But we each have our own path to healing.

I forgave my old friend a few weeks ago for not standing by me when her husband sexually assaulted me. I completely and totally forgave her. And good for me! It was a powerful emotional moment filled with love and understanding. But I’m not forgiving her fuck of a husband. He gave me trauma that I still face with PTSD to this day. Fuck him!

Do I forgive my brother for skiing with the ski team that had a child molester in it that stole my entire childhood? Fuck no. Fuck him. I don’t need to forgive him! He’s a selfish fucking asshole for that deep level of narcissistic behavior and betrayal. Fuck all of them.

Healing for me may include forgiveness but that is for me to decide, to come to, to be led to, if at all, if ever. That is for me. It is for no one else.

Infact, no therapist has EVER told me I needed to forgive. After I attempted suicide when I was a teenager and was put in a mental hospital, all of the psychiatrists and team of professionals never mentioned forgiveness. The many pastors I have confided in have never told me I needed to forgive. No specialist, no chaplain, no person who has ever valued my healing journey has ever said forgive. Because it is a bullshit word tossed out by someone who has no business tossing it out.

I give you permission NOT TO FORGIVE! Only because it may not be the key to your healing. Although it may be. That is up to you. It is not up anyone else to put those conditions on your healing.

This is the sunset tonight and the crane that gave me the peace that I desperately needed I can assure you far more than I needed to forgive. The sky, the clouds, the sunset, that connection to the earth and the sky and nature heal me more than forgiveness will. At least for today. Hey maybe in 10 years I may feel differently, but I would never force that thought on anyone else’s path.

*all photos taken by me and are unfiltered

Erectile dysfunction medications take priority over rare disease…

This post is not my normal post but it is related to my dislike for the power a man has with the use of his penis. It is full of foul language and well more and more and more foul language. So read at your own discretion. Who knows where this comes from… I’m guessing deep issues of abuse, sexual abuse, trauma, and rape, but here it goes. Hold on to your hats*

Even the IDEA that there are medications manufactures, studied, approved, distributed for erectile dysfunction makes me sick. There are MULTIPLE medications for erectile dysfunction even. Not just one. You’ve got a FEW to choose from! Because men’s dicks are top priority. And if you don’t believe me well just look at the ads on TV. I mean it pretty much sums it up. Life is perfect if a man’s dick is erect. I mean, if it isn’t, where WILL he get his self esteem? What will his life be made of? What kind of husband or mate can he POSSIBLY be without an erected dick? Obviously no relationship will work with a man who cannot have an erect penis right? There are definitely no other ways of intimacy, love, companionship, or marriage at all without a fully functioning penis! As far as I am concerned, if they can urinate from them, then they work to the potential needed to live a happy healthy life. Society, the FDA, Doctors, MEN don’t see it that way. Someone decided that a man’s ability to be able to fuck, rape, have sex, dominate, or just make love to his dear wife is far more important than oh I DON”T KNOW EVERYTHING ELSE! There is no cure for MS. There is no cure for thousands of rare diseases, neuromuscular diseases, cancer. But there is a cure for a limp penis because society AKA man has deemed that MOST important. I’ll even go as far as to say that breast implants are almost a symptom of men’s dicks. Do you think that a woman really wants implants all on her own? The healing time of implants alone, ripping through muscle tissue, taking off nipples to place them perfectly, who is that for? Do you see women in an aborigines tribe with implants? Nope because news flash…THEY ARE THERE TO NURSE YOUR BABY, not to satisfy a man’s needs AKA his dick which is limp anyway so he needs meds for it. But a woman may say it is for her own self esteem. Isn’t that created by a society that makes a woman think that the only way she is desirable and can feel good about herself is by having perfect breasts? Who decided that? MEN! Men who make us cover our breasts when breastfeeding but promote half naked women on Victoria’s secret ads. Come on, who is that for? You think I want to see half naked women who are wearing something two sizes too small on an anorexic woman? No. society fucks over women on a daily basis. So much so that if our spouse cheats because we aren’t perfect or are ill or are disabled or have a mental illness well isn’t he entitled? Shouldn’t we just forgive him? He is just a man and he needs his dick needs to be met. Insert sarcastic tone in all of the above because this is all bullshit. And hey, if you chose implants and are happy I am not trying to put you down. I’m just thinking of all the women who lost their breasts to cancer and wear a prosthetic even though it hurts their raw skin because that’s the “norm.” Heaven forbid a woman choose to not have her breasts, or to have saggy breasts, or to be ok with her breasts untarnished by what man has decided are acceptable for his tastes.

I was just watching a nice TV show on an app on my Ipad when they felt it necessary to show me the SAME erectile dysfunction ad 6 times every 10 minutes. Ah that happy couple in the two separate tubs because now the woman is somehow pleased he can be ready at any moment. When really I’m looking at that woman thinking SHE’S thinking “Fuck they came up with a new med and now I will never get to get a good night sleep.” The drug companies have even go so far as to now create medications for women because if their vagina’s are all dried up and ready to call it a day that just will not work. Women MUST be able to have sex with men at all times even if their own bodies are telling them NAH you’ve done enough of this.

I’m all for what a woman wants for herself and if she needs some assistance to achieve what her desires more power to her. Yes, I am a hypocrite. Women deserve to get what they want FINALLY. At some point. Women should get to say no. Get to be heard. They should at least have their vaginas validated if the rest of their bodies are owned by society rules and men’s needs right?

I hear ya. Some happy couples feel they NEED that or the relationship just won’t work. And I say that relationship SUCKS. There are tons of people on this earth who do not NEED to have sex to have a relationship that is absolutely perfect. Hey some people love to have sex and both enjoy it with their own consent and are happy as clams and more power to them. Good for them! I’m happy for them. But not all are this way. Women are often subjected to the need of the dick and as a woman who has been forced to have one thrust in every opening in her body at one time or another as a child, teenager, young adult, well I’m here to say the erect dick with it’s need for medication to stay that way is overrated. Far too overrated. Now I also know that rape is not just done by the use of a penis and yet many times it sure is. And if it can’t be, well there is now a pill for that!

Men. Their power. In all the countries all over the world yielding their dicks as swords to conquer and master and subdue and use their wives, other women, children. Now even if for some reason some grand power in the universe has intervened and stopped their dick from working NOPE Doctors have found the cure to get them up and running again.

I’d really like to see a year of THE NONE WORKING DICK. See how that goes. Will men fall by the wayside. Will they feel unworthy of life? Is their whole world built around the size and the force and erectness of their penis? And what if that is taken away? What will we have then? Oh right, that won’t happen because those in charge, probably those whose penises did not work will come up with another cure for that. (No offense intended for men who use their penises for…well non criminal and forceful manner). Hey I know women who love their sex and would not be pleased with a non working penis. But I know 10,000 times more women who would not mind a good month penis free.

And that sums up the priority of our world.

It isn’t global warming.

It isn’t victims of crime, rape, etc.

It isn’t homeless.

It isn’t those who cannot afford health care. You may not be able to afford your pain patch but you WILL get your free samples of erectile dysfunction meds.

It isn’t those who are on respirators at one month old because they were born with a congenital birth defect.

It isn’t those who are wheelchair bound or have ALS.

There are no fixes for any of that. There are a bunch of men in power who now get to walk around with erect dicks whenever they want because THAT is what is most important on this earth. Eh we don’t care about the bees. We can all die because in the end the man gets to fuck what he wants and when he wants and that supersedes everything.

Give me a cure for Lyme disease and maybe then I will believe the interests of anyone BUT a man’s dick are number one on the list. Show me the money that is going into the cure of ANY of these life threatening diseases that took second place to the funds that went into dicks and I will believe that someone high up on the world gives a flying fuck about the rest of us.

The way it is down here…I see a few good men trying to fight the good fight in a society who has their priorities so fucked that it will be a sheer miracle if any of us survive. Really, go into the hospital for a little procedure. See what you’ll come out with….MRSA, flesh eating bacteria, pneumonia, and it’s not their fault. It is all the big wigs that make the call that a penis is far more important than a human life

An erect penis is more important than a human life.

There is currently a man who is using tons of his funding to try and find one little gene in me that could answer the question of why so many have deteriorating muscles. He has limited funding. They all do. But a politician…he gets donated 100 grand and if he doesn’t use that for his own tv ads then he gets to pocket it. Right next to his paid for erect penis.

Yep our society is fucked. I believe that to be true because a man’s penis took priority over children dying, children starving, children suffering. So now we can create more porn and create more monsters that traffic women and children all for the mighty dick.

I know it! I’ve been used, abused, and tossed aside most of my life (until my husband came along and saved me from the monsters of the world). I’m watching my body disintegrate while seeing an ad for erectile dysfunction and THAT is only the beginning but maybe even the root of what is wrong with this world. The power of the man and his dick. And the money that will go into saving it at all cost. A world gone awry. My oh my.

To honor

When I was first diagnosed with a muscle disease 11 years ago, a friend of mine said, “I’m sure if you really needed to use your legs you could.” She was wrong. Sometimes words are empty. What we really should be doing is being respectful, honoring the person’s emotions that is going through a life changing event in their life.

At that time I used my scooter and wheelchair to do almost everything. If I did too much I could not move for days.

A few years ago I started my own plan. I was told no PT would help me. I was diagnosed with Central Core Disease because of the core formations in my type 1 muscle fibers. After being studied by doctors all over the world it was decided that WHATEVER I have it does not fit the typical Central Core Disease criteria. They tested my blood for the known mutation that causes this disease and it was not there. I am currently having my DNA tested by a research scientist, determined after all of these years to find what gene has caused this to happen to my body. If he finds it and we can solidify my diagnosis then when a cure becomes available, or even a treatment, then I can try it. Better yet, if he finds what is wrong with me it can help diagnose all of the undiagnosed! Imagine who it could help!

I have watched as my left leg has atrophied away. I have suffered unbearable pain and weakness. I live in constant pain due to the atrophy of my right shoulder and trapezius muscle.

I CHOSE TO DO SOMETHING. I was losing anyway. So I started slowly and simply. One room I would sweep. Once a week. I worked my way up to the entire house. I worked my way up to laundry, cooking, and walking around the house without the use of my scooter at all. The consequences are pain. Constant pain. But I have built strength that no one said I could. Even though I atrophy I still have strength. I have had many Doctor tell me that I should not be able to use my left leg at all, yet I do. I used this year to build up strength driving. It used to take me a week to recover from one mile. Now it takes an hour.

I drive to the prairie to watch the sunset. Once I get somewhere it is hard to then walk. The conversation in our family has opened up to us getting a lift for the car so that IF I drive I can use my scooter when I get there. I know balance. I rest. I use my wheelchair when outside always or at doctor visits or anything that takes more than 100 steps.

11 years ago I could not have driven to the prairie, swept the house, or done any of the things I can do now without severe injury. Perseverance has made me capable of those things.

It is an insensitive sentence to say to a person with a disease that I am sure you can do it if you really needed to. I worked very hard to get here. Slowly, methodically, and balanced. AND I have no idea how long my body will let me keep doing it. No one does. So I keep trying to LIVE and take my little happy pictures to balance out the pain of the other parts of my life.

While my husband was out of town I had to drive my daughter to the doctor. It was 5 miles more than I was used to and when I got there, I had no scooter to get me in the door. I did it. I had had a mental block over going over certain miles. I knew that. I count my steps. I know I can make it 100 steps before I get tired. When I got her to the appointment I didn’t count my steps. I just listened to my body. If I couldn’t drive home I would have had to call someone to help me. That day allowed me to see how far I have come and how long it took me to get here with a great amount of patience.

These past few weeks I drove the car to the mechanic to get the AC fixed.

Last week I drove my daughter to another appointment.

None of this is not without repercussions. I know that the pain will be excruciating. I know that over using my body affects my bladder control (not part of the supposed disease but nothing I have is part of this disease).

A few days ago the well went out. I met the well man to have him fix the well only to realize after that our septic system had also failed. I met the septic system man. I made it through all of these mechanics, well guys, septic guys, doctor appointments, etc. The septic tank man sent another man to pump out our whole system. He was supposed to just come to the house and pump it out.

We couldn’t use the water for that day. I had overdone with driving and with all of these extenuating circumstances of house breakdowns. So, I lost control of my bladder. I woke up knowing that I could not use the water, soaked in my own urine with at least 4 loads of laundry to do of urine soaked sheets and blankets.

When the man came to pump the tank, he knocked on the front door instead I suppose to announce he was here. I opened the front door and he was smoking a cigarette and my whole entrance way was full of smoke. I cannot be anywhere near cigarette smoke for health reasons and mental health reasons. I froze. I couldn’t move. Everything went into slow motion. In slow motion I closed the door on the man. With a very shaky voice I called and said I could not be around smoke so just pump the system out. I’m barely standing, covered in urine, waiting for him to pump that tank so I can shower.

This is the truth of muscle disease. It is not easy. None of it easy. It is embarrassing, humiliating, vulnerable. I CAN push through some days. Some days I cannot do anything.

Standing there frozen with a cigarette man…That “freeze” is common with PTSD.

When my friend told me even with a muscle disease I could still do it if I tried hard enough would be just like someone saying I could have done ANYTHING different when I froze as that man stood at my front door.

We all have challenges. Some serious. Some traumatic. Some involving our body. Some involving our mind.

I often feel that no one really can imagine the loneliness, the isolation, the pain, the loss. Yet, I know others have experienced even worse. They get up every day and move forward.

Today, I thought of the effort I have made in driving out of necessity. Today, I wanted to drive because I wanted to do something important to me. I thought long and hard about my life’s circumstances and I thought about the depths of loss others have felt far worse. Just last week two police officers were killed in a county close to us. I read another blogger/friend had an officer killed in her county last week too. I cannot imagine what that kind of loss feels like to those who love them when it hurts me to my core and I don’t even know them. There have been many who have lost loved ones in tragic accidents and heinous murders. There was a young girl murdered in our town a few years ago that stays on my heart daily still.

Today, I wanted to drive for them and walk for them. I wanted to do something to honor those who have lost their lives.

I drove to the 34th street graffiti wall. It is a wall in our town where you are allowed to paint, put up a mural, memorial, advertisements, etc.

I drove there and parked in a complex across the road. I waited a very long time until there was not traffic to be able to walk across 6 lanes of traffic to get to the wall. I planned the whole trip. I have no idea how many steps it took to get across 6 lanes of traffic but I will admit, even though there were no cars I was a little bit afraid. I wanted to get to the memorial part of the wall. There is a memorial there from 1990 when 5 precious souls were killed. That wall has been painted over hundreds of times since that date. Not once have I seen this memorial gone. I wanted to put my hand on that wall and take a moment, to use my legs in honor of those who had lost their lives.

I know my gesture may not mean much to others. It was not one anyone will even know about other than those reading this.

I know with the abuse I endured, the PTSD suffering, this muscle disease, my life has its serious struggles. I have chosen to use the parts of my mind that remain strong to channel into strengthening what is left of this body. I know that parts of my body may fail. My mind is a more challenging fight. I can’t push through that. Trauma has a life of it’s own. I cannot even imagine the trauma of losing someone I loved to murder.

That’s what made me think of those who have lost a loved one. I thought of the pain they are enduring. How some things you just can’t fight through. You just have to feel. And feeling is sometimes torturous. It can be excruciating. I feel so deeply for those at home right now feeling that loss. I wanted to do SOMETHING to honor those fallen lives, those taken lives, those precious lives and the ones left behind.

I want you all to know, those law enforcement officers’ family and friends…those who have lost their lives in devastating and tragic ways….those innocent victims whose lives were cut short by criminals…I REMEMBER. And today, I spent the day honoring all of those losses. Some who have lost loved ones may feel alone, right now, right this moment. You may think oh everyone is just going on with their lives. I didn’t. I stopped. Your loved one was honored by me for I am sure is just a drop in the ocean of the lifetime of sadness you may feel. Just know someone out in this world is thinking of you and that loss. Your loved one, mattered, matters, to me and I honor them.

Little bit of joy

Today I went to look at the last little bit of wildflowers that are growing on the side of the road. I know when it gets hotter, they will be gone. I smile everytime I pass them because they were my wedding bouquet. I stopped to take pictures of them and then found a few others. I reached down to hold one and didn’t even see until I took the picture that there was a bee in the flower. He didn’t mind. I didn’t mind. So, I kept holding the flower. I don’t ever pull the flowers out of the ground, just lay them in my hand. When I got home I downloaded my pictures and was entertained completely by a squirrel who decided that his mushroom was FAR better than all of the nuts my daughter had tossed to him. He looked at the nuts, sniffed them, even licked one and was like EH and went on his way. Hope this brings a little bit of joy.

SoCS: Spoke

https://lindaghill.com/category/stream-of-consciousness-saturday/

I was out for a walk in my wheelchair today and nothing really spoke to me to be photographed. I had the camera around my neck but there was just nothing! Just as I was getting home I reached out to touch what I thought was an orange flower and realized it was an orange caterpillar. THAT spoke to me. So I squat down and watched him for awhile. I took a picture of him and moved on towards home. As I was in the road in front of my house a woodpecker spoke to me. He just kept speaking. I took his photo and one as he was flying away and even though it was blurry I still loved his body and shape and how he was looking up. He was going up so he was looking up. It just made me think of how many people walk around looking down. I also thought about how blurry photos really bum me out and then totally changed that thought to ” It may have not been a perfect photo but it was still a perfect moment.”

Then the little bird that calls like a cat meowing landed on the birdbath in front of my living room. I was still way out in the road so I took the best pictures I could. He took a little bath. I mean we are talking years I have wondered where this sound from this bird has come from and all of a sudden he appears out of nowhere, makes the sound, solves the mystery of the sound, then shows up the next day in the birdbath. How cool is that!

It was a bit of a cry breakdown day for me. Throughout the day I had tears and that is not typical for me because I like to stuff it all in but the sadness of so many things was just too heavy for me to carry. I thought about my mom and how he left and even though she left because of me, she should have stayed for my daughter. My daughter is SO worth it. And I am really not so hard to tolerate! I mean other than the “ACCEPT I WAS ABUSED” which ruined everything but was unavoidable and needed to happen. I was in such a fuss I decided I didn’t want to blog anymore because who am I helping, why am I putting this out there, does it mean anything? And then I get this outpouring of love today on my blog comments. It was so freaking cool!!! Just when I needed them! I even got a package from one of THE only cousins that speaks to me in my family packed full of things from my biological grandmother and I thought, “OK I’m not totally alone in this.”

So I knew I had to set out to find the sunset on the prairie. This is THE only way to bring peace, ground me, set my priorities straight, calm the PTSD, balance, bring gratitude. And yes. The sunset, as always spoke to me.

Thank you to Linda for this word prompt: spoke, as I would not have spoken at all but this gave me the perfect word to do so.