I’m thinking of changing the name of my blog

Originally my blog was titled not my secret for a reason that will always be a part of why I write. But the “overcoming the shame of sexual abuse” is nolonger where I am. I overcame the shame a long time ago. I have not overcome or recovered from the abuse. But having “sexual abuse ” in the title of my blog may be triggering for someone.

I’m thinking of changing the title to NOT MY SECRET…The journey towards healing from abuse.

Any ideas? Like it? Hate it? Think I shouldn’t change it? Think I should?

Suggestions ?

Thank you!

The landing gear

I went to “the peanut field” today. I have no idea what it really is but at one time they grew peanuts there and the locals call it that. I saw that the sandhill cranes had switched areas and were landing there instead. I laughed I cannot tell you how much and still am at their landing gear I call it. When they put their feet out like they are about to land. It made me think about me and how my landing gear is always out and ready. Always prepared. I used my zoom lens. YAY. Was very excited to see them up in the clouds. It looks like I am just flying in an airplane next to them.

My husband left today (work related) so I needed something to keep my mind away from panic mode and this was helpful.

JusJoJan or SoCS Darkness: poetry

#JusJoJan 2018, the 19th – Darkness

I wanted a little bird party

I know you think it’s silly

But I set up their food

Outside my window

And waited to see

Who’d come

To my little party.

Two hours passed

Three hours more.

I sat up the night before

Planned how I’d have the strength

To put the feeder in the ground

My leg could barely push it down

For one little bird

I could hear them at the sixth hour

Up in the trees their songs heard

So I was sure

Absolutely sure

I just wanted one little bird.

To know someone was listening.

The feeder sat empty.

I kept thinking

All those people on their phones

Watching their tvs

I waited 7 hours for one bird to see.

Typically I would feel gratitude

For the multitude

Of birds I’d already previously seen.

Today was different.

Today I felt weak.

Today I felt a tiny need

To not have to seek

But to just be able to sit

And see.

I left in a state

I call the red.

That place

Where you think

You’re just done

Feeling the weighted dread

Into the darkness

I fell deeply

A solitude

Isolated

Where there is no solace

Just this emptiness

This loss

This soul death.

Even the cold air sees no breath.

I know no one knows

No one can

I’ve shouted to the thousand

But unless you are inside of me

You can’t know the prison

So I drove into the darkness

And the clouds followed me.

Body numb

Fingers tingly

Tears silently streaming

I looked up.

There was pink!

Right above me.

Darkness surrounded every inch of sky

But that pink above my head

Watching me cry.

Why

I’m so alone

Why give me a pink sky?!

I took it as a sign

Just a little more time

I lay in my bed now

Looking at the pink streaks

Wondering

If tomorrow the birds wanted their party.

I can give it one more day

And see…

Hoping this darkness

Leaves.

*unfiltered unedited spontaneous picture taken by me in my moments of despair…the pink sky

Poetry

I had an almost red

Not quite

Mustang

When I turned 17

Almost 18

Not quite

She kept me warm

Well, dripping sweat

On hot July nights

Where I’d cover my head

And hide

In the back seat

Of that mustang

Until right before

Sunrise

I was safe

In that dirt parking lot

Behind work

No

I was not

But

For once

No on one knew

My secret spot

Go home

Face the demons

Or

Not

Stop

Hold that thought

Demons at home

I just realized

Why I never sleep at night

Someone asked me the other day

“Didn’t you have an old red mustang”

Red?

Not quite

But yes

I wish I’d driven her further from town

Past that dirt parking lot

To the west coast somehow

I could have outrun those demons

Still hunting me down

I’d go

If I still had that mustang now.

Poetry

When I was a child

I hated the moss

Dangling from the oak trees

Outside my window

No curtains

Just shadows

Now I take pictures

Of the moss

Watching it in the wind

How it blows

Still

At night

I keep the blinds

Closed

Poetry

I am just

One

raindrop

In the down pour

One

In a massive storm

As the others joined

Forces

Trenching

Pushing aside the soil

I am just

One

Not landing in the puddle

For children to splash

Or cars to swerve past

I am just

One

Raindrop

That fell so gently

As the sun came out

The

One

Glistening

On the green leaf

So

You

put your face up to me

As if

Listening

For that

One

Raindrop

You’d been missing