Stepping into the light.

It is hard to not be afraid of the dark when there is so much darkness around us.

So many people are playing in this masquerade. So many masks. So much illusion. So much darkness.

There is an even more powerful light. We just have to step in to it.

It is hard as an adult to see the truth in people. I think children can see people for who they are at heart but their instinct is often so shaded by the rules society puts on them that they lose the ability to really see.

I watch little children. They see the beauty. When they see something scary they hide. But often mother pushes them out and says, ” Say hi to Bob!” As the days go by it is harder and harder to see people for who they really are. Most people spend so many years becoming what they know others want them to be. They become what they think they need to be to succeed that we cannot see them for who they really are because THEY don’t even know who they truly are.

The truth becomes harder and harder to see in people and their true colors become so muted that they become gray.

You can only step in to the light and stay in the light if you live in your truth. And when you are living your truth, in the light, you will be able to see the true colors of others.

One day, when I was a child, everyone turned gray. My best girl friend trapped me in the closet and she touched me in appropriately. She was a girl. She was my best friend. She wasn’t supposed to be the darkness..  She was this vibrant colorful girl who I ran with and played with every day. But that day she turned everyone gray. Because if a girl could hurt me like a man could then I was no longer safe anywhere. So the world became gray.I remember laying there in my closet and she ran off and pretended like nothing happened and I looked outside and saw darkness. The world became scary. Everything was unknown to me now. Nothing was safe.  She blurred everything so much that I had no idea from that point on who and who could not be trusted. And it didn’t really matter. The color was gone. My childhood was over.

She and I stayed friends until a few years ago. I tried to make her colorful again as an adult but when you become gray it is hard to become colorful again. You have to have a real inner light and I don’t think she had that. Most people think she does. She is like many masquerading around that have these great outgoing bubbly personalities so you THINK they are the light and they draw you in. If you let those people who have hurt you to stay in your life they will certainly take the color out of your life bit by bit. Someone that has hurt you in the past that you continue to allow in your life will most certainly cast a shadow. Sometimes the most outgoing are the most inner gray. You have to stay away from gray. They will suck the light out of you.

Having my life filled with color means saying goodbye to certain people.

If you were abused you fought to come back. you fought to find joy and to find strength again. It is not worth all that fight to become sedentary with your family or friendships now. You have to be vigilant and true to yourself. Being true to yourself means not letting anyone steal your joy. I let this friend who hurt me as a child remain in my life. That was a mistake. But as a child I didn’t know any better. I think it is important as an adult to sit yourself down as an adult and evaluate each person that is in your life.

I often think of Joan. She was a child development teacher that I had who was as much a healer as she was a teacher. She told us that you never put an adult issue on a child. Children need to be children. They don’t need to even think about issues that adults are dealing with. Let them be children. In her class I realized that I really didn’t get to be a child for very long.

I was so used to being abused by men as a child that I became accustomed to it. I hate to use the word enemy but I think as a child I just viewed them as that. So I started to be not so surprised when a man inappropriately touched me. I started to just go “oh…right” in my mind. How awful is that! None of those things should have ever happened. Not one, not two, not the countless times. When I was in Joan’s class we often had children come in that we would do art lessons with. I remember their paintings and how we were not supposed to say, ” That is a nice house”, but instead, “I love the colors you used, can you tell me about your picture?” The children would light up and talk all about their pictures. I look back at all these bits and pieces of moments in my life and think, ” I wish my childhood was just like Joan’s class”. Where the children could be just children. They had a safe place to just be. I wish I could have been a child in Joan’s class and drawn the pain that I was feeling and have someone ask me what my picture meant.I wished someone noticed the colors I would have painted and had me reflect on them. AND coincidentally Joan had us paint. I remember my picture. It was painted by me as a child but I was an adult. It was totally black and gray with a red streak down it. Joan asked me if I wanted to talk about the colors I put in that picture. It was so incredibly validating. I wasn’t ready to talk about the colors yet though. I haven’t talked about them until right now today.

I have rejoiced every year that my daughter has made it past the time I was abused. When she was 13 I thought,  ” Thank you God she made it through this year and nothing happened”. If you have a child, and you have been abused, you know exactly what I am talking about. Each year that she turned an age that I experienced abuse, I remembered that abuse and thanked God that she had made it through yet another year without experiencing it. It is exhausting to put yourself through. This fear and relief as the years go by and your child has made it through a time you barely escaped. And that my friends is me putting a shadow on myself. It is that piece of the past that still has a hold.

You can step away from the unhealthy people. You can step away from those who bring back memories. You can step away from your enemies and those who have hurt you. But you have to also choose to live in the now. Only by living in the now can you step away from all the shadows, all the gray, and step into the light. Worrying every day that something could happen to your child is not healthy. Rejoicing each year that nothing has happened is not healthy. It is living with a shadow of the past constantly on you. You can change the thought,  ” Thank heavens my child didn’t have anything happen to her like I had at this age, ” to ” Thank heavens my daughter had a beautiful year!” You can change the date your child turns 15 from thinking, ” Thank heavens she didn’t have what happen to her at 15 the same that happened to me at 15″ to ” Thank heavens my daughter is a happy 15 year old girl” Her joy does not have to be in a shadow of a memory of me at that age. Because if it is then really everything is still a little bit gray. And I don’t want any gray in my life. I want my daughter’s joy to be her own. I don’t want to continue to remember my past as she continues to create her future.

The colors of my life are magnificent. The gray has no place here anymore.

I want each day from now on to be it’s own.

The past is there. The memories are there. The darkness was there.

But I will choose now to step into the light.

2 thoughts on “Stepping into the light.

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