When my daughter was 3 I decided I wanted to try a different approach to healing. I had seen therapists but had not had a diagnosis or a therapy that I found worked. I had no idea at the time how many different approaches to therapy there are. I only knew of talk therapy. With talk therapy I felt “heard” and I guess that is mostly because the therapist said ” what I hear you saying” most of our session. Reflective listening. It had its place. I needed to talk and I needed someone to listen. I did not move forward though at that time. I needed nuts and bolts. I needed a plan. During the time I was abused and even after, there was no plan. I could not move forward because there was no clear directions to do so. So a therapy where I spoke, then left and went back to the same routine, did not help my healing. So I searched for other ways.
I was led to a center that taught Reiki healing. I loved the idea and I loved the practice. It focused on your own body’s energy and connecting with imbalances in the body. I felt this strong need to fix all of my imbalances. So I met with a hypnotist. I met with an acupuncturist. I met with a chiropractor. I met with a person who said he could tell me what my imbalances were just by looking at my handwriting. I found the chiropractic practice to be intriguing. I liked the way it felt after an “adjustment” even though I didn’t completely understand why I felt better. I loved the way I felt after acupuncture. I felt calm and centered and grounded. Those feelings did not last long though. I soon returned to my disheveled feelings. I was searching but not sure what I was searching for. I didn’t know what I needed. BUT soon I was to discover that everyone else seemed to know JUST what I needed!
I saw a chiropractor that told me that he could fix my mind body imbalance by a procedure. I don’t recall the name. I was to think of something bad that happened to me and at the same time he would use pressure points on my back with a device that poked these different spots. I felt optimistic. So I thought of something in my past and he did his procedure and everything in my past flooded back. I was overwhelmed with memories of abuse events. I started crying. He told me that that was normal and if I came back in a week we could try it again. THIS was dangerous. I went home with no coping skills. I went home with a next week promise and memories that I had no idea what to do with. It was a reckless procedure that was done. Reckless in that it did not hold my memories as something to be valued or treasured. My memories were not safe there. I spent a lot of money on trying to find peace through this chiropractor. I only left feeling able to move my neck more smoothly and more emotionally frustrated and despondent than when I began.
I then trusted someone to hypnotise me. She said she had “psychic intuition” which I believe people do have. She “felt” I had repressed memories and she just needed to unlock them. So she took me through hypnosis and I saw images I did not understand. I saw faces I did not recognize. I saw memories I did not know where mine. I felt lightheaded. I felt overwhelmed with the same kinds of emotions as happened with the chiropractor but this involved images I never knew existed. She told me that we could meditate to calm me and we could do some more sessions to get more clarity. But then she sent me home with NOTHING. Once again I left an office of someone who was supposed to help me but left me feeling more confused than ever. She had a friend who read handwriting. She said that he would be able to tell me more about myself that could help in my healing.
His office was in his house. I drove about an hour to get there. He charged by the hour. He spent 55 minutes showing me his property, house, books, and talking about what he did and how he did it. Then when I wrote the check he said he would analyze it. Yep. Pretty desperate I know. I wrote the check and he looked at it for a few minutes and said that because my signature was rushed that I was “impatient and lazy”. Everything about this man was false! I am fortunate nothing more happened than I was just ripped off.
I went to many home offices. I went as a vulnerable, already victimized, not yet even close to healing, woman. They knew it. They took all the money they could. Some felt they could help me. All believed in what they could do. All required me to come back and pay more money for a session that ended in no real answers or steps towards solutions. All poked and prodded into memories with the skill of amateurs.
I have since seen a chiropractor and an acupuncturist that I loved. I saw them knowing I was going in for a sore back. I saw them knowing I was going in because I felt dizzy. I felt feeling better. I did not, this time, put ANY of my emotions or my memories in their hands. You may have a practitioner that you can trust with these things. But based on past experience I was not going to risk it.
I went to a woman’s house to have her friend do Reiki on me. He wanted me to lay on the ground in the driveway to ground myself. I look back on this entire scenario and laugh and shake my head at the same time. I was in the most high crime area, at someone’s house I did not know, laying in the dirt, while someone I didn’t know had his hands above my body!!! And I lived to tell about it.
I got the name of one “healer” from someone at my family’s work. She played the drums, burned sage (which I have no problem with) and placed her hands on my stomach. Red flags shot up everywhere with her. She claimed to be a shaman but didn’t even know what that meant. I had met an ACTUAL Native American Shaman and he was…well…he is not for this blog post, but he was…gosh words cannot describe him. But I can tell you that he did not make any promises or touch me in any way nor did he ask for my money. Anyway, back to the woman. I left her house and never went back. I heard that she told people that I was a lesbian and that was what I was hiding and she discovered it and I was unhappy about it so I left. None of this was true. Complete blatant lies. False healers can lie and manipulate. They can try to suck you in with no regard to your well being. Nothing is sacred except their own ego.
When you are desperate and vulnerable, your intuition is often times pushed so far down you can’t feel it at all. So you will trust whatever a “healer” may suggest. I trusted many and came out more wounded than when I went in and with much less money. They had no plan. They had no next step. They provided no safe place for my memories and they did not catch me when I fell. I was desperate. I would try anything. I wanted to feel better but I didn’t even know why I felt so badly. I was blindly following any false healer out there and I was headed in the opposite direction of healing. I became severely depressed. I remember calling a suicide hotline when my daughter was 3 1/2 years old. Whoever that person was saved me. They had the skills to talk to someone with the feelings that I was having. They had the skills to help me through that moment. I went back to my day to day life and swore off what I considered “false healers” from now on. I could nolonger proceed down this path with no intuition and no plan. I was wandering, they were all clawing at me. I had to stop.
Since then I have seen a few therapists that were not the right fit for me. I have talked about that in another blog post. I now know why they were not the right fit for me. I have, in the last few months met two Doctors. One has her PHD in psychiatry and one has her PHD in psychotherapy. Each of them listened. Each of them diagnosed me. Each of them came up with a plan to go step by step through therapy. They are available to me in a crisis. They have left me with ways to cope and things to work on that will move me forward through therapy while I am at home. Neither of them ever sent me home with emotions that I did not know what to do with.
I am now receiving trauma therapy. My secrets, memories, and emotions are now in safe hands. I now have a direction and a plan. I now can feel my intuition and I can write my truths. I have not spoken my memories and secrets yet. It is easier to type them. My voice has until this point only been written. I hope soon it will finally be spoken.