false security blankets

I was gone from the house for 12 hours. I went to the Mayo clinic to get labs, see a hematologist, and get an iron infusion. We weren’t sure if the iron infusion was going to happen. The specific lab needed was not ready after waiting all day to see the Doctor JUST for this ONE result. It was to my great fortune that this man was a patient man. He waited for the result. He didn’t give up immediately and send me home. He could have. He could have said, ” Well the test isn’t back so you will need to drive here again another day to get the infusion”. But he didn’t. He knew the 4 hour round trip was hard on my muscles. It was very apparent his intent was to help me. So we chatted! The result came back with my ferritin level, iron storage, being 7, and I was sent to get the infusion. But the infusion centre there was closed. So the Doctor encouraged the scheduler to look at the other center and try his best to get this infusion done. Sure enough the scheduler found a spot for me. I got the infusion called injectafer. For a woman who has massive panic attacks and anxiety I was very strangely calm. The whole day I was calm. Maybe it was because I was away from the same walls that I have been stuck in for the last 10 years. I have not ventured further than 30 or so minutes away in 10 years! The day before I was riddled with anxiety. The “what if’s” just about killed me! I was mostly worried about my daughter. What if my husband and I died on our trip. I know the saying, ” Put it in God’s hands”. I know all of the calming sayings that we can say to ourselves but the idea, the possibility, that something could happen to us, scared me for my daughter. There was no plan for if something DID happen. I had one number that I gave her of one person that lived close enough and knew enough about her to come if needed. The reason for one number, my family is gone. They may have been toxic. They may have abandoned and betrayed me. They may have kept me in a state of denial and never validated my trauma. But they were a security blanket.I always knew if something happened to us that my mother would take care of my daughter. She knew my daughter. Was there for every part of her life in these last few years. It hit me that I have no security blanket. I felt as if we were driving away and leaving our daughter vulnerable to millions of possibilities. My security blanket and everything that went along with it was snatched away. The good, the bad, the ugly, all gone. We made it home safely after a very long day and a very long drive. Injectafer was not without side affects! I had a low grade fever and a LOT of pain. Today that has subsided. I am hoping that the few hours of pain will be rewarded with renewed energy and a new lease on life for my body!

I find it odd that the same person that denied me my truth was also my security blanket. The same people that that denied my worth were the same people that I had entrusted my daughter to. We go through life finding comfort in what we perceive is comfortable because it has become what we know. It is all we know so we are comfortable there. It feels safe because it has been constant, habit, ritual, same ole same ole life. With that we become complacent. The people we have surrounded ourselves with have become apathetic. We accept that. We shouldn’t. If something happened to my husband or me, my daughter needs to be with someone that I don’t just find misplaced security in. My daughter needs to be with someone that is the antonym of apathetic. I don’t need a security blanket. I need a warrior blanket. It needs to be stitched and lined with people who will fight for my daughter, love my daughter, and embrace every aspect of my daughter.

So my trip to the Mayo clinic did not come with out some fears and panics. But it had a lot of compassion and hope for the future. I was blessed with a Doctor who treated me as if I was one of his own family members. The girl that did the infusion treated me like a sister. Everyone was kind to me. I deserve kindness. I don’t always get it. When I do I am very grateful. The Mayo Clinic made a potentially scary day, a positive day.  The day also made me reevaluate what I want for my daughter. It is not the inadequacy I received. And THAT I find security in. She deserves better if anything were to ever happen to us. She deserves better than them.

3 thoughts on “false security blankets

  1. Thank goodness, a caring doctor! I always feel happy when I encounter or even hear about them.

    It’s good to realize, when you don’t need it, that it would be helpful to create a real security blanket for your daughter. Now you have time to think about it and find a friend or more distant relative or someone you can genuinely trust. You’ll probably never need that person, but it’s good to know there is someone there. When my husband and I finally made our trust and legally established potential guardians for them, should anything happen, it was a huge relief and well worth the money spent with the attorney. I hope you find someone you can feel would really wrap her in the care and love you want her to have.

    Finally, I had no idea you hadn’t been far from home in ten years. Now that you have ventured further, what do you think? Can you do it again? Or do you just want to stay home?

    Liked by 1 person

    • There is a beach there near the Mayo clinic. I have to go back next week and it is my hope to see the beach! I loved being away but it was very hard on my muscles and I am still suffering with muscle pain from the trip.
      We chose someone else that we trust with our daughter but she was out of town which brought up some fears.
      Thank you for caring.

      Liked by 1 person

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