I wrote this a year ago today! One year of processing emotions, life, health. When you love others who deny you, you deny yourself without even realizing it is happening. This year has been about facing all of the very ugly truths! The truths of my family, the truths in my memories, the truths in the magnitude of trauma that was inflicted upon me. I wonder… I have grown, become enlightened to my inner soul….what have THEY done? No one in my life, who has wounded me, has apologized,reached out. Are they continuing to blame the victim, me, are they pretending I dont exist, do they even have the capability to NOT be narcissistic when it comes to me and the abuse I endured and their part in the lack of healing I felt? I will never know. I try not to think of them at all. But as I lay here in pain from the iron infusion I got, in pain from the Lyme disease that’s back, still recovering from the loss of my dog , still recovering from the grand mal seizure that is still affecting my word retrieval, I feel sad. I lay here, just waking up with tears running down my face.My anger has subsided and .I lay here feeling simply, sad. Last night, my daughter who is almost 20 years old was sad. I layed next to her, felt her sadness, wished I could take her sadness away. I would use my last breath to give her the words she needs to feel loved. So I woke up, myself in pain, myself feeling sad. Not all of the big words..devastated, disheartened…no…I just feel sad.When I gave birth to my daughter, my heart and soul made a lifelong commitment. I guess my mother did not make the same commitment when she had me. And that is just plain and simply sad.
Abandonment is a raw emotion that I think we all can connect to in one way or another. A friend has abandoned you. A spouse. A family member.
Abandonment is a hard emotion to address because it isn’t just one word with one emotion. There are 5 or 6 branches of emotions that come out of it and all of those have to be addressed too.
With abandonment comes loneliness, disappointment, hurt, betrayal, anger, sadness, and bitterness. But abandonment can also lead to empowerment.The two words don’t even seem like they go together. BUT what if being abandoned was the best thing for you? What if abandonment showed someone’s true colors?. What if abandonment freed you from chains?
My family abandoned me. And I felt hurt and betrayed and devastated. I wrote my father a letter. It is on my blog. I have read and reread that letter. I know that as a parent, if I read that letter, I would probably feel awful. I would feel agony in my heart for the pain my daughter felt, I would also feel guilty for not somehow protecting her. I would NOT feel accused or blamed and I would certainly not then abandon my child. But that is exactly what they did. And guess what. I am free. I never have to hear them bring up the past. I never have to feel unvalidated. The truth of my abuse caused my family to abandon me. Whatever excuses they want to give of feeling hurt, or embarrassed….don’t matter any more. I was not WORTH keeping. I was easily DISCARDED. And anyone who can desert someone for telling the truth, I promise you is not worth having in your life in the first place. You may have beautiful memories. Those memories do not have to be tarnished by their current behavior. You can keep those good memories in your heart. But if one letter can cause and entire family to abandon you. I assure you, you are better off without them.
It is passive aggressive behavior really. I am sure if you have been abused or raped then you know what I am talking about. A person in your life will just toss out a statement or comment. You think maybe they don’t mean it that way and just disregard it. I think since I was abused I then chose to settle. I settled for comments that I should not have settled for. But I was so used to everyone acting like nothing happened that it became the norm. Each of these comments though just chipped away at my soul. You have to be so careful because you don’t even know it is happening until you wake up this hollow person surrounded by people who are supposed to love you, but feeling totally alone when you are around them. So that man that abused me was a member of a ski team. My family ALWAYS brought up seeing a member of that ski team whether out shopping or in a store. Why? To see if I will react? Well I can’t react because I have been programed by a family to not ever be able to feel. Because they don’t feel. If they did feel then they would never bring up the things they did. How do they think bringing that up would make me feel? Was it passive aggressive to show that they could bring up whatever they wanted? I’m guessing it was total denial. and showing that they did not acknowledge what happened. Or maybe just trying to minimize it by making this nonchalant comment so everything is nice. Oh how wonderful to see such and such out and about. Really? Such and such was an integral part of the horrors of my childhood. Each of these comments over the years all add up. So really by abandoning me they did me a huge favor.
They disowned me because it was easier to disown me then to actually feel. If they just push me aside then they can go on living their lives never to scratch the surface. And there are people in life that are like that. I know tons of them. They do not change, evolve, or grow. They just put on their rose colored glasses and float along through life. and then when I tell the truth oh my gosh their glasses broke for a moment. But they couldn’t stand the pain of anything real so they quickly just bought another pair and went on like nothing happened. If I am not around then they don’t have to deal with real. I feel sorry for them. But I am no longer tied to them. Their abandonment freed me from their illusion.
You cannot float along through life. Deep down you will be eaten up! But there is this illusion that if you put on these rose colored glasses and float along then everything is ok. If you go through life thinking everything is ok then you will never heal. You will never teach. You will never inspire. You will be stagnate. You will be smothered. You will never do the things you were truly meant to do in this life!
But I know…you don’t want to be alone. You’ve already been through so much. You don’t want to lose anymore.So you hold on to people that really are not in your best interest for you to grow and heal as a person. But sometimes holding on to someone just wraps you up in chains from the past that you cannot become freed from. Sometimes them abandoning you allows you to be who you are and not ever accept disrespect again.
I could be angry at my family for letting me down. For being selfish. But why? There are no words that will make them change. There is no convincing. There is no getting through. It is their choice. And as long as they choose to not see and not deal with the truth I would not want them in my life anyway. And so…..
Abandonment leads to empowerment. My life is not a game..I am no pawn in anyone’s plan. I was a pawn the whole time i was being abused. I played that game of keeping secrets my entire childhood. They must come to terms with their own feelings of what happened to me. They either will or they won’t. But it has nothing to do with me. Without me they can either choose to deal with the past, or put back on their rose colored glasses. I am simply nolonger part of that process for them. Do not let someone bring you into their game. Do not let someone bring you into their emotions over your abuse. That is for them and not you.Take yourself out of other people’s game. Their control and their games are not your concern. They are holding you back from being the you that you are meant to be.
It is not your job as a person who has been victimized to baby the people around you. It is not your job to comfort them. It is not your job to settle for mediocre behavior.
I honestly wish it had not taken my family abandoning me for me to see them for who they really are. I wish I had seen things for what they really were and left. Leaving is empowering. But apparently so is being abandoned. I just never knew that, but I guess I had on my own rose colored glasses.