So easy to write, so hard to say.

It took all day to get up the courage to call my mechanic. I wanted to prevent a PTSD flashback moment. I had to find the words to tell him that, “If you test drive my care with cologne, it will give me flashbacks after I smell the cologne in the car.” It has happened for years now. Every time the car breaks I have an immediate panic attack because I know the end result is getting my car back smelling like man. I cover my seats and my seatbelt but it still smells. I wanted to ask him to not wear cologne that day, or to have some other mechanic drive it for me that didn’t have on cologne. I tried to take charge. I tried to control the outcome. I tried to put what I write into the spoken word. It was not very easy. I did it. I told him. He asked why. I told him why. Then I almost passed out. I have written a lot about my experiences but I have not spoken of them. It is so easy for me to write…the words are so hard for me to say. 

My silence was broken behind these keys on this keyboard and onto my blog. It is time my voice also be heard. It is time I start speaking the truth and not only writing about it. It was my first time last week. A hurricane coincidently came through our town the next day and most of our town lost power including the mechanic. So the car getting fixed was postponed, But I had the opportunity to speak my truth. I hope that next time it will be easier. I hope my ability to speak gets less traumatic each time. This is only the beginning. 

10 thoughts on “So easy to write, so hard to say.

  1. Reading this reminds me how much I can relate to you, not in the details of your story, but effects it has had. I’m glad to find you are still finding strength.
    I find myself losing my voice as progress and I scared me, reading your work gives me hope that once I settle things again I can find it again.

    Like

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