Open letter to those who choose to do nothing in the face of abuse.

A letter to all who choose to do nothing in the face of abuse, 

I didn’t get to choose my story. Someone else wrote it for me. They came in, to each chapter of my book, and rewrote it. I didn’t get to choose. 

My destiny was interrupted. My course was sabotaged. The lines in my purpose and will on each page and each moment of my life were crossed through. They were blacked out with a marker. My story was indefinitely interrupted and I had no choice.

I did not get a choice. Someone stole my story! They tore out pages I will never get back! I will never get back some of the things I have lost in my book of life. I will, for the rest of my life, try to smooth out the pages. 

I was sacrificed. My childhood, my teenage years, were sacrificed for the pleasure of pedophiles. My worth was zero. My value, my dignity, my integrity, my identity was nothing. I did not matter. Men were willing to sacrifice me, for their own sick and monsterous acts. And my story is only a fraction of some of the other stories that I have heard from other abuse survivors. Some of the stories that have been entrusted to me go beyond the most evil and incomprehensible violence anyone could ever imagine. Their stories were interrupted. 

I recently learned of sexual abuse in the military and I was floored. In my world that involved abuse it was limited to mostly childhood events. It hit me and knocked me back so much that I lost my breath. Men and women, fighting for our country, and they cannot escape the vile inhumane monsters of abuse. It is as if the monsters have infiltrated everything. They are everywhere. Are their cases prosecuted in the military? Does anyone believe them? Are there those in the chain of command that cover it up? If there is no justice in the military then is the corruption to far and too wide to conquer? How can a little girl get justice when a veteran cannot?  

I will tell you how! That man that was drug away by other men and raped did not have a choice. That woman who was gang raped did not have a choice. That little girl who was molested did not have a choice. Do you think somehow they did? If so then you are half the problem. Do you think they didn’t scream loud enough, fight hard enough? Then you are half the problem. Those who question, are half of the problem. The other half of the problem is those who CHOOSE to do nothing. Not the perpetrators. I am talking about those who have knowledge of abuse and do NOTHING about it. And if you make excuses for THEM, then you are part of the first half of the problem, you are with that batch. I am perfectly aware that the sex offender is the MAIN criminal. But I also believe that those who sit by and do nothing are part of the victimization aftermath. 

IF someone really wanted to even START justice they would make a choice. That choice would be to put the victim first. You GET to make a choice. You  get to choose not to be friends with a rapist. You get to choose to fight the system and stand up for what is right. You get to make the tiniest choice to the biggest choice. By tiny I mean this: I was on Facebook looking at my family’s friend list the other day. Some of them are friends with people on the ski team that were an integral part of the abuse I endured. Delete them! Tiny things. Tiny is still important. Every choice you make big or small to support a victim is important.

How about seeing the ripple affect by choosing one act that will support a victim. See what happens in your life. See what happens in your soul. Then the big things. Are you part of the cover up? Are you still married to the man who raped your own daughter? Are you still married to the man that you KNOW molested me? Are you knowingly supporting a pedophile? Make a choice. Choose the victim. 

I can’t imagine how it would feel to know people chose me. I cannot imagine it because it never happened. I was shocked at the few who stood by my side. I don’t know what it feels like to be fought for in a way that I deserve. Imagine if all of you who chose to stay with the man who abused me, instead chose me? You had a choice. You still do. I never did. I looked at those Facebook friends and thought, “wow, my childhood sacrificed wasn’t even worth a Facebook friend of my family.What kind of world are we living in?” We are living in a brutal world. We are living in a violent world. We are living in a world where somehow things have become so backwards that victims of sexual abuse are blamed, ignored, and discarded like trash. Because those who HAVE a choice, don’t choose the victim. They choose their job, their buddies, their family, their life UNINTERUPTED. 

So you want to be allies with a sex offender. So you want to  stay friends with one, and friends with his friends? So you want to keep sticking by a predator?  I see many that are. And how lucky for you that you get that choice. Because of that choice YOU can now take on some of the blame for the injustice that was brought upon us. I put that blame back where it belongs, on you. Because if it weren’t for you, the sex offender wouldn’t win, wouldn’t survive, thrive, go on living like nothing has happened.  Because you want to stay comfortable, we suffer. Because you are a coward, we suffer. 

I didn’t get to write my story of my childhood. Pedophiles wrote it. Other victims of all ages who are used, abused, sold, held hostage, had their stories stolen. The life they were meant to be living, they are not. They are now, we are now, trying to mend, mostly on our own, because society does not want to hear our stories. Society doesn’t want to know about rape in the military. Society doesn’t want to change laws or persecute/prosecute the criminals of these horrific crimes. Society doesn’t want to know about the mutilations that still happen to little girls.  Society is made up of millions of little YOUS. Millions that are sitting back with your glass of wine, watching your flat screen tv, and doing NOTHING. You get the luxury of choosing to do nothing. 

I never had a choice. My life was sacrificed by a disgusting excuse for a human, before I even got a chance to live. There are thousands of MES. I would love the end of my book of life to say, ” All of those who previously did nothing, chose to finally take a stand. Because of that stand, now society as a whole has changed. Rape and sexual abuse are no longer tolerated or ignored. Society now fights for those who could not fight for themselves. Wrongs have been righted, criminals now prosecuted, and victims are now validated and supported.” That choice is up to you. You GET a choice. Make it matter. Do the right thing. It is never too late. 

Sincerely, 

Bethany Kays

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37 thoughts on “Open letter to those who choose to do nothing in the face of abuse.

  1. So well written and powerful. I took my abuser to court many years after it happened and have it documented on my blog. I love your site and would be interested to know how to incorporate rss feeds – I am a newbie at this. Take care of your precious self.

    Liked by 1 person

    • WOW awesome!!!! You took your abuser to court. Amazing!!! So proud to know you! Ok rss. Well I am such a newbie too that I have no idea what that means and how to add it either 🙂 I just learned how to tag my posts and how to add a place for people to subscribe through email. I’m not so blog savvy I just pretty much write! I’d love to read the post where you took to court. Does it have a title so I can search your blog?

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  2. The decision to ignore and even profit from what we know is evil makes us as evil as the perpetrator.

    This includes collective decisions to exclude groups of people from essential resources.

    When I think of all of the abused children suffering on our streets I get sick with rage.

    The willful destruction of the life of another human being is an unforgivable crime.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Reblogged this on Art by Rob Goldstein and commented:
    I didn’t get to write my story of my childhood. Pedophiles wrote it. Other victims of all ages who are used, abused, sold, held hostage, had their stories stolen. The life they were meant to be living, they are not. They are now, we are now, trying to mend, mostly on our own, because society does not want to hear our stories. Society doesn’t want to know about rape in the military. Society doesn’t want to change laws or persecute/prosecute the criminals of these horrific crimes. Society doesn’t want to know about the mutilations that still happen to little girls. Society is made up of millions of little YOUS. Millions that are sitting back with your glass of wine, watching your flat screen tv, and doing NOTHING. You get the luxury of choosing to do nothing.

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  4. This is powerful and courageous. I was date-raped on my grad night and it was set up (the date and the rape) by my (so-called) best friend. I got very drunk and didn’t realize what was happening until it was over. Actually there wasn’t any such thing as “date-rape” back then. I just thought I had done a terrible thing and lost my virginity to a date that was almost forced upon me. It wasn’t until many years later in group therapy that I was told what it really was. I hadn’t told anyone. So I (in my late 20’s now) told my parents. They just sat there and did not say a single word. They didn’t even look at me. Finally, Mom got up and said “are you staying for supper” to which I said no and left. The half hour drive home was a blur. I felt more alone than I did when it happened.

    I am so glad you took on your abuser. I actually stayed friends with my female friend who set it up for a couple of years. She even asked me once if she could date my current boyfriend. I still didn’t clue in then.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It took great courage for you to write this, for you to talk about it in therapy, for you to tell your parents. Your mom’s inability to validate and comfort you is unacceptable, unfathomable and horrific. You deserve better. What was done to you by the rapist and by the friend that set it up is horrendous act of violence. It is all on them. Those who have not supported you and loved you through this are despicable. You are worth more! You are an amazing brave individual and don’t ever forget that. You deserve love and respect, protection and validation for what you have survived and what you are speaking out on. I send you all my support and hope that you will keep pushing forward and keep demanding more from those around you. Demanding to be honored for the survivor that you are.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Ps. It took me many many years of processing, healing, struggling, fighting, and working through the isolation and emotions that came from abuse. I am still working. During that time I have let go of those that have not validated me or not respected me. It is very difficult. It takes time.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Yes it does. I never went back for my reunion and many friends asked why. I said that I couldn’t get the time off or afford the flight. I wanted to go and see my true friends but in truth couldn’t face the two people that turned my life into a hell.

        Liked by 1 person

      • My PS. I have become very open about the things that have happened to me (if interested check out my post “Overcomer”). I feel the justification for all I have endured is to help others through my experience.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. There is so much tragedy in what you write and all the while, as I read – I too, a victim – I wonder what it will take to turn this around. How do we get out from under all this? How do we stop it? Like, you, I write.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. My mother chose my abuser (her boyfriend in the beginning and now husband). She stayed with him while he was in prison for what he did to me. And she’s stayed with him everyday since. She asked me recently if I was mad at her for staying. I told her no. I understand that she is a weak, twisted, confused, gotta have a man kind of woman. But I did tell her that EVERYDAY she chooses to stay with him is another day she chooses him OVER ME! It hurts. I told her that. She said “I choose both of you.” My answer was “It doesn’t work that way!”

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Pingback: Open letter to those who choose to do nothing in the face of abuse. | LOUISE FOWLER SPEAKS UP

  8. You are truly inspiring. You are soooo right, too! When I finally got the courage to call my dad and tell him what the Chaplain did(hoping it make him understand and love me), his exact words were, “Any woman can help being raped, if they wanted”. Yup, those were his exact words to his only daughter. It took a very long time not to torture myself because of him. Your daughter and mother are lucky to have you in their lives!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am so so so so sorry he said that to you. When you were able to say the words, you should have received LOVE. How hard is it to LOVE and hold and tell someone how sorry that they were so hurt!!!!! You deserved a dad who ….well first off was not a horrid human being by saying something like that to you….and second, one who would give you validation for the horrible wrong that was committed against you. I’m just so sorry he victimized you again with his words.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. You amaze me every day…whew. I can relate and I’m still pretty pissed about it or else I might write too…how a person can stomach the easy road of not rocking the pedo boat is beyond me. I figure I don’t want ppl like that in my life anyway. I think we should be able to press charges against known witnesses that looked the other way. Good Samaritan law-ish. Reading this explains my childhood journals and the lies I see me tell myself in them…I was trying to write the story that someone else stole. Thank you for putting words to this, and so beautifully said as well. Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • It was very liberating to write. I was so full of anger at all of the people who did nothing. I became just as equally mad at them at the abusers. Thank you for reading it! And I am glad it helped. I have read some of your posts and thought I could have written them myself from my own heart and feelings.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I love your blog for the same reason! You’re an inspiration to me actually and I bet this one was very liberating! I’d like to try it myself as soon as I have some time alone lol…too noisy here lately. I’m sure you know what I mean. Thx again for your amazing honesty xoxo

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      • Yes. I find that I have sort of a medieval war zone in my mind…triggers = landmines, my denial was a fortress (now in ruins)…I’m visual I guess. But what I mean is I find we had to do a lot things to survive then. I have tons of armor and weapons and boobytraps to get rid of. I didn’t even know I had them til recently but ppl like you are helping me along so thx again xoxo

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