Not so pretty little words.

In my blog I try to write in an easy to read way. I try to write what is deep with in my thoughts and fears, joys and accomplishments, and journey. I want to write in a way that people can connect to. I want others to “get” me and “get” where I am coming from in what they read. Sometimes I write in a way that is vague. It is a poem like this that I retread and  found to be impersonal and not true to what I really felt. It sums up the deep down hurt, but it does not sum up the deep down rage. So I would like to rewrite this poem after each line, in bold,  in a way that isn’t just pretty little words, but what I really WANT to say. 

I lived with you when you denied me

You were my parents and you did not validate anything I went through.

Until I denied me too

You denied everything my entire life so eventually I denied my own feelings. It will take years of therapy to fix that.

I lived as her

I lived as you wanted me to be JUST to please you. God that was exhausting.

My entire life

My entire life revolved around making you people happy in your own selfish world. Heaven forbid you care about revolving around what I went through. 

Just
 For
 you.

Everything was ALWAYS about denying what happened to me and pretending to be what you wanted.

Denial

You all are fucking assholes for living life in denial. Fucking assholes.

It’s a funny thing

It’s not funny at all. It’s criminal how pathetic I let myself become to cater to your patheticness,(I know that isn’t a word)

Not living in the truth

You all could not even handle the truth ! I told you everything finally and you still create lies to live in. You all live in a charade where you think you are some sort of royalty. You ARENT.

I watch her now

I look back over my life as a child and growing up and it makes me so sad that you never protected me then blamed me.

The path she walked

I watched the path that YOU all made because you never stood by me you pieces of shit.

Living in a dream

I turned into a zombie, a robot, because you wanted your perfect little life. You suck!

It’s all part of your memory.

Must be fun for you to have created memories that didn’t involve the truth. I didn’t get that chance.

You let me go
.

You fucking didn’t even fight for me. You let me go over a year ago because you are the saddest excuse for a family I have ever seen in my life. You let your daughter, sister, go because you are all fucking assholes then and now.

I walked away

Yeah I had to walk away because I couldn’t keep hoping you’d do the right thing. Obviously if you didn’t when I was a child there is no way you could now. I waited and hoped you’d show up at my door and say what any good family would, ” Bethany we are so so sorry for everything that happened to you” (followed by the movie style dream embrace)

Into a life I never knew

It was a good thing. I got to know myself away from all of you assholes. Who put me down, never built me up, bunch of assholes. Who does that? What kind of family doesn’t build their child up. Idiots. You never even knew I slept on your floor my whole childhood because I was afraid because you sucked as parents. I can hear my daughter breath two rooms away because I am an awesome mom! You didn’t even know your child was being molested and then blamed me for wanting to go there. I hope you have repented for that!

She is now me

I had to incorporate the wounded abandoned me into the adult me. Do you know how hard that is. And all because you couldn’t come over here and hug your daughter, sister. Selfish fucking pricks. Fuck all of you.

I am now here

So here I am in this whole new world. You guys get to go on pretending and living in your lies and blame to make yourselves feel better. Must be fucking nice. Hope you have fun when you fit each other into your lunch schedules as an obligatory time slot and don’t realize that each of you never really does one unselfish thing for one another because none of you know how to love each other.  It’s fucked up. 

And I don’t
 Know
What
To
Do.

I have no clue now to navigate. How to get over the loss of all of you. You just have to live with out me and obviously you are okay with that. I lost all of you. You selfish assholes. You let your sick daughter who has a sicker daughter just go because of reasons you will never ever say because they are pathetic. I read your reasons. I read your secret little ways you blamed me . You make me sick. God you really all make me sick . 

I have no scars

Outwardly you would have no idea what you have done to me.

For I have not healed

But what you have done is just as bad as what was done to me as a child. Yep. I hate you equally as much as I hate a child molester. I truly hate all of you.  And all of you created that. Because you are cowards. Really, my own brother cannot come to me because he had to choose. Good choice buddy. Dick. I deserved a brother who would kick people’s asses for me. yeah, I got gypped on that one. No one in my family knows true loyalty except to their lies.

I’m just an open wound.

I told you the truth and you deserted me and lied to other people about it. God how can you live with yourself? How can you live in the fantasy, where you are the victim, where you get the attention, where you spin lies. How do you sleep at night?

I don’t know how to be this me

You fucking beat me down and made me feel like I was nothing and so I have to learn how it feels to actually believe someone when they say I am special, and beautiful, and that I am worthy of being supported and believe and loved. Since your love was fucking conditional. You suck for that. Every one of you.  Believe it or not other people in my life don’t make me feel ugly cause I am not wearing lipstick, don’t embarrass me because I can’t have a dog hair free floor, or because I have a scooter that needs to be assembled for me to go out. Some people TRY to make me feel better!

It’s painful and uncertain

Everything is painful and you could have taken that away. Instead you stuck a dagger in it. How was I ever born into your family? I mean for God’s sake a twin.  An older brother! Who pity a woman who is a manipulative soulless woman. Well maybe that is not true. She has a soul. It is just so covered you cannot reach it with lies. Feel bad for her? Don’t. That’s what my family is best at, making themselves look like you need to feel bad for them and not notice me. Good luck with that. One day you will realize none of it is real.  Do you even know how to love each other?

I know I’m free but I feel so bare

I am free of you all and so I feel stripped. 

Outside the denial curtain

You created a life of denying what happened to me and denying my feelings. THanks for that. It’s hard to live outside of that when you wake up and realize your life was a lie. 

I fear

I don’t fear. I simply KNOW. 

I
Am
Simply

It is not simple but that sounded good right there in my poem.It is very complicated to love your brothers and father and mother who have given you the ultimate betrayal.

Broken.

I held my life together even through every single molestation. I finally told the truth and it was YOU who broke me. You broke me in the end. Not the molesters. I made it past them. But I could never make it past you. You all broke me. I hope you can fucking live with that. It is ALL ON YOU

And that my friends is how I really feel. But it isn’t pretty words is it. It isn’t eloquently written. It is just a bunch of rage full emotions. Subjective. Not anonymous. Straight up something anyone can judge me on for my language or anger. But with full disclosure, this is what my poem really meant to say. Minus pretty words because I am just sick of pretty words. they are what fucked me to begin with. 

4 thoughts on “Not so pretty little words.

  1. Wow, what a clever, creative, freeing way to tell your story! I know you’re not free yet, but on your way there with gusto. You’re far from alone in our experience. I hope you have found the support outside the family you need.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I much prefer your real and honest words because it more fully expresses the anger and horror you went through and are still going through.I only wish your family would respond in a healthy way but they are definitely too fucked up and too wrapped up in their own selves to care. I hope being honest on here can bring you some measure of healing.

    Liked by 1 person

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