Body image.

Body image is a hard subject for abuse victims. It’s all about control or rather lack of control. We had no control so we try to control how our body looks and that somehow gives us a sense of taking back our power. But it is an illusion. Grasping on to what ever control we can get will not end in success. It will end in obsessions. It will end in temporary fix where it NEED a permanent solution. We purge. We starve. We workout too hard. We get what really is a temporary “fix”. It’s like when I saw my friend who smoked and hadn’t had a cigarette all day. He took a puff and sat back and his whole body relaxed. But that cigarette was not good for him. It just momentarily satisfied him. Gorging will temporarily satisfy. Cutting carbs and running 5 miles will temporarily satisfy. But there is no fix when you focus on the exterior especially when you try to control it in a way that you think MEANS something valuable. Getting to the root of the issue is invaluable. It is priceless. I could have turned sideways. I could have cropped and filtered this picture. It is not my old “water skiers body”. I don’t want it to have a title. I don’t even want it to be a “muscle disease body”. I just want to embrace it. I want to move past it. Move to the deeper pain that requires much more love and care than what I can try and control on the outside. This was a beautiful day. I appreciated this day. It was a magical day. I had physical pain but it seemed manageable because my inner pain had lessened. My physical pain even seemed livable. It didn’t matter what the end result of me walking on the beach would be. I listened to the waves and I focused so intensely on the sound and the smell and the movement of the water that  the outside of me didn’t matter at all. I felt very little physical pain at all and what I did feel didn’t seem significant. I simply embraced the me that has no labels. No diagnosises. No past. I’ve never been able to do that before. But I discovered that just allowing inner peace gave my physical body a break from the chronic pain. I don’t know how. I appreciated the true blessing in my body even being able to do what it does now. Instead of wishing it could do more I really marveled at the strength it still has. In the past I always focused on external strength by lifting weights. I have to say that the moment I realized the beauty in the fact that I could walk at all gave me much more satisfaction than working out in the gym ever did. It was a far more peaceful feeling than a temporary “fix”. My husband and I picked up some shells and stayed until the sun was about to set. The shells are a reminder to me of the what is most important. The “look” of my physical body has become further and further down the list of priorities and that is a huge step towards healing. 

Oh yeah…total side note…We saw a pig being walked on the beach! That’s something you don’t see every day!

4 thoughts on “Body image.

  1. Tbh I think you’re stunning. I hope you don’t mind me saying that. But I mean inside as well as out.

    You wrote: “Grasping on to what ever control we can get will not end in success. It will end in obsessions.”

    This got my attention in many ways but one in particular. After the end of a really toxic relationship I took to heavy drinking and eating a lot of junk food. At the time I just didn’t care about myself but in reading this, I realize it was my way of attempting control over MY body. I also had not understood at the time that through that roller coaster of a relationship I felt emotionally raped.

    I likely wanted to cover my body, hide it from any lecherous eyes that might feel the desire to look at me. And well, I succeeded in making myself quite over weight. And now I am quite obsessed in my thinking about getting the weight off…which isn’t as it used to be, now being in my early 50s.

    I know you shared this because of the pig on the beach but wow, I’d say this is rather synchronistic because I needed to read about body image today.

    That pig though, so cute. I met a Vietnamese pot bellied pig once a long time ago in the suburbia town I grew up in. Not sure how the person was getting away with keeping the pig there, but it could’ve been visiting too. The area is strangely interesting with its suburbia towns and houses fairly close together, but yet a large state park rather close and some farming areas around it too.

    My high school was close to the park AND the mall. I went to school with someone who lived on a farm in the same county and town but yet, my neighborhood was twin houses and walking distance to public transportation.

    There I go rambling again. Lol


    • Thank you for the compliment!!
      I was so proud that day to accept myself and post that picture.
      Since then I have lost 30 lbs due to this muscle disease and now I have to learn to love myself all over again. It is a constant with me!!!!!
      I’m really glad you read this and that it resonated with you in more ways that one.
      My body image is something that I am always working on. I cut my hair off because of the stigma and the comments and the judgment always there from my mom about my hair and I wanted freedom from it. Then I had to learn to see myself and love myself without the hair. It has really been a process to love myself. A long long process.
      Completely makes sense that in a toxic relationship you would drink and overeat to control. Total sense. Isn’t it weird to look back and go OHH right that makes sense that’s why I was doing that.
      I have to keep myself in check all the time. I overly obsess about small things until they become big things and I have to watch myself and be aware of what I am doing with everything, eating is just one.
      Lately I have been in a I don’t give a fuck about food but want to enjoy it way. I have been eating slowly and enjoying every bite of food like it is my last meal ever. It’s pretty cool. To mindfully eat.
      The pig was a sight though! Pig on a beach. Never seen it

      Liked by 1 person

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