I woke up to a vivid what if dream. What if, after my parents found out that Billy had been molesting me, they did something different. Instead of: living on the lake directly across from him where I saw him every day, allowing my brother to still ski with him, having to look at Billy with my brother ever weekend as I sat in my room and looked out the window, attempting suicide more than once…What if: They had packed up the house and moved. I never had to see Billy again. I never had to watch the man who molested me day after day. What if, they had done the right thing?
The lake I actually had lived on wasn’t a neighborhood. We had one neighbor through the woods a few acres away and we had one neighbor right next door. Anyone else on the lake you visited by boat or swim.
But in my dream there was no lake. There were neighbor’s who visited. There was a community pool. There was a crystal blue spring next to the house. In my dreams I can see colors, touch,feel, smell, and it is as if I was there. We had a screened in porch, swings out back, and lots of windows. The spring was so cold on a hot day. The neighborhood kids came over to swing on our swings with us and…I felt…free. I felt like my family loved me. I felt like every girl should feel.
What if my parents had moved away.What if my dream were a reality. What if all parents just stopped. Stopped everything. Then decided what would heal their child and do that. What if all parents put their child’s healing above everything else, everyone else, and above themselves. What if, after abuse, we felt cherished, respected, safe, loved, and validated. It could be that way. It should be that way.
In my dream I had a wonderful what if. Then I woke up alone in my bed, not knowing where on earth I was. Then I realized. I sighed. And remembered I have no family anymore. Not the ones I was born into. Just the few I chose, my husband and my daughter Thank God I never have to what if with them.