A flashback of a memory lost

Trying to piece together a flashback  is like trying to put a puzzle together with the middle and corners missing. When did this happen. Was it before or after this or that. What was the time frame. Who covered it up with more lies. How do you sort through a little snap shot of time 30 years ago? Do you just let it go? Do you try and remember and sort through the timeframe(timeframes are never completely accurate in abuse), of who was involved and how old you were?I wish I could just let it go. I wish it was like a fleeting memory of fairies and butterflies that I would just smile at and then move along with my day. But it was of a surgery that I never knew I had. I asked my mom about it once because I had such a vague memory of something. Her response, ” I don’t really remember.” Really? I think you would remember your daughter having surgery and all the specifics. I am aware I am neurotic and can tell you my daughter’s blood counts when she was 4 months old and had her kidney removed, but come one. My mom held the key and my mom is the secret keeper. So now I will never know. I am left to whatever flashback decides to jump forward. I am at the mercy of my brain!!!!! Will my brain fill in the blanks with another flashback or will it just leave me hanging? 

The abuse I remember starting when I was 11. But the flashbacks I am having are before that. The surgery was before that. The little bits of memories are telling me that there is even far more to my story that I ever imagined. I don’t want to know it. I want to tell my brain, “It’s ok, really, I remember enough, we can just store the rest in that file way in the back.” But flashbacks don’t work that way. Something else happened to me. It was around the time that I dug a staple into my knee. I remember it vividly. I stuck it into my knee in class when I was just a little girl. It had to be removed with pliers at the doctor. I “accidentally kneeled on it” was my story. I don’t know why I did it. I was in some sort of state of mind at the time where apparently I felt the need to stab myself with a stapler. What child does that? I’m sure my therapist will sort through it. It will definitely be the topic of conversation. but I thought we already had enough to talk about! We have years to sort through and now I’ve got a mysterious surgery and a self inflicted staple to add on!!!! 

I’d let it go if I could. I’d never think of it again. But if you have flashbacks, you know that is not how it works. That feeling, it sticks with you. That moment, you are back there. And when you come back to the now, you are shaken. I put all this time and effort into my timeline. I wanted to sort through it and get the times and ages and molesters, etc, all lined up, so when I DID have a flashback, it would have a place to fit. But now….I’m a fish out of water. Someone needs to dump some water on me because I can’t breathe. 

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