Therapy

How do you remember being 8 and being petrified and deal with that as a 44 year old. I did a little imagery today. I pictured that child on the bed afraid. I imagined what was needed to make her feel safe. Soldiers. I stood them shoulder to shoulder and surrounded her bed with them looking out, guarding. That wasn’t enough. I still felt afraid. So I filled the room with soldiers of protection. No one was getting to that 8 year old child. I became the soldier. I stood in defense and protection. I stood fierce and valiant. No one was getting to her. I rewrote a memory. I rewrote history. You think history is written in pen. It’s not. It’s in pencil, and you can write over it in pen. You may see some of the faint pencil marks underneath but the pen is brighter. I’m rewriting moments. The reason I am doing this is I feel a memory coming to the surface. when that memory comes I don’t want to face it with an 8 year old frightened child. I want to face it with a warrior soldier. 

This was my therapy today. This is something that we worked on. This idea of imagery and being able to feel a scary moment and turn that moment into a feeling now of safety. I can see that it will be harder to do at home than I anticipated. It’s easy to feel like a soldier when you are in the safe office of a therapist who is being a soldier with you. It didn’t have to be a soldier. That was just the first thing that popped into my mind, for me. During this imagery that we did I felt a calm. I felt relaxed. I realized in that moment that I am never ever really relaxed. I am living in a constant state of fight of flight. Because there, during that exercise, I was able to relax. It is no wonder that my muscles are tired, and my brain feel fried with anxiety. It is always in wait for something bad to happen because that’s what it was programmed to be ready for. We are trying to reprogram it. As I lay here trying to evoke the strong, grounded, protective figure that I did earlier, which gave me calm, I can’t do it. Being a soldier for my little 8 year old self is going to be harder than I thought. 

6 thoughts on “Therapy

  1. I have been doing inner child work with my therapist, and it is difficult. Sometimes it is hard to picture her, or separate her out from all the other internal noise. All the best to you.

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  2. I am currently working on inner child work with my therapist and it is the hardest thing I have ever done yet. When I can really take myself there it is so emotional I cry and cry. I guess that is understandable since a part of me is grieving everything that little child went through.

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  3. I wonder if instead of surrounding the child with protection, can you hold her, and go through it together? When I picture an army of soilders around a small, frightened child, to me it seems to bring more fear. You may be strenghtening your attack, but the child is still alone, seperated from you.

    Or another thought if you want your child to be surrounded and safe, you could use her favorite animals to encircle her. Animals she can play with on the inside, and protectors on the outside to keep her happy and safe.

    Just a few thoughts.from a little experience.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh yeah I really appreciate that. We tried. We tried animals, comforting her, holding her. It just wasn’t working until I stepped into. Protecting her. BUT now that I am home this is brilliant advice. I will try to do more comfort and see where I get

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  4. Several nights a week, I fall asleep listening to guided meditations by Lisa A Romano (on the “Insight Timer” app on my iphone). She has a lot for healing the inner child, reprogramming your brain after childhood trauma. I’ve found it to be quite beneficial…along with hours upon hours of therapy:)

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