I put on my long john underwear over my underwear. I put my long sleeved shirt on over my tank top. I put on my robe over all of that. I climb in my bed under a sheet, blanket and quilt. I lay there. I know I can do it. I can just let it all go. I can’t. I throw all the covers back and make the effort full exit from my bed(getting out of bed is hard due to the muscle disease), and I close and lock my bedroom door. Then I cover in all the layers of blankets, put one pillow in front of me and one at my back. It’s a good thing I am cold natured because living in Florida I could die of heat stroke in my own bed just trying to feel safe.
They more layers I put on, the more layers it will take to get to me. How long can I fight through the layers of clothing. If he gets to me then he’s got a lot of layers to actually get to me. That is if he gets past the locked door.
It’s all absurd. I know this. I have a huge burly husband who would die protecting me. This gives me no solace. I am in a locked house in a locked bedroom with all my layers and it’s absurd. Nighttime is a scary place for me. Don’t even THINK about asking me to consider sleeping in another bed, hotel, oh no, no way. But it’s what I do. It’s the only way I can sleep.
I get back into bed and finally fall asleep. At some point in the middle of the night I wake up sweating and shaking. I have no idea why. Seizure? Night terrors? All the layers suffocating me? But I have to get up to pee now. I go in and use the bathroom. I reach back to flush the toilet and I can’t. I just can’t. Somehow if I do -insert a random person who I am not sure exactly who it is- will hear me and come for me. I just need to sneak back into bed and hope for a few more hours of sleep because right now only 3 hours have gone by and I know I need more sleep to be able to function tomorrow. My toilet is stained from not being able to flush it in the middle of the night. I try to clean it, scrub it, but the stains won’t come out.
Tomorrow I will try to not lock my door. Tomorrow I will try to flush the toilet in the middle of the night. Tomorrow I will try to remove one layer. Now I am just going to lay here and try not to be frustrated at these rituals that I somehow adopted into my routine to soothe my inner fear. I just need 2 more hours of sleep. I throw all of my sweaty clothes on the floor and lay on the top of my blankets. Tears drip silently out of my eyes. I want to wake up my husband but he only has 2 more hours before he has to be awake, I just can’t do that to him. He would want me to. So I put on all of the layers again and finally drift off to sleep with my closet light on just as one more precaution…