Goodbye twin.

I thought of a list of questions I would like to ask my twin brother. Yep, I have a twin brother. Shared the same womb kind of twin brother. When my mother, her sister and her kids, uncle, and older brother stopped speaking to me after the letter of the details of abuse I endured was sent, my twin stopped speaking to me too. I have, in the last few months, let go of my family and nolonger allowed space to be taken up in my brain by them. But my twin brother…He is the last little string of connection in my brain. I had to make the choice to let them go. It was a conscious choice, a necessary choice,  imperative to my healing choice. So I wondered these questions about my twin brother:

Who is motivating you to not speak to me. 

What do you consider the “right” thing. Are doing someone else’s “right” thing or your own by not speaking to me.

Are you a follower or are you motivated, guided, and led by your own intentions. Is you not speaking to me yours and only your choice.

 Are your actions toward me based on your own feelings or are your actions a reflection of the extended family’s feelings towards me.

Do you know how you, as a person, really feel towards me.

Do you even know who you are? Stripped of  other’s influence. 

These were questions I thought I wanted to ask my brother but really I would rather him ask himself these questions. The fact is, he doesn’t speak to me and hasn’t for almost 2 years now. All these questions are really my trying to give a “why” to his choice. But not everyone is like me. When I have a why, it is because I have weighed in on all of the questions I wrote above. I ask myself why I am making the choice I am making. Not everyone does. Some people just take the easiest road. They toss a coin. Some people, as much as I would have liked them to make a soul decision, just made a superficial one when it came to me. Some made choices based on what they think the truth is. By people I mean my mother, cousins, aunt, brother, etc.

There is the truth and there are subtruths. Subtruths are the “why” to the truth. Truth can’t be objective or subjective. The truth just is. But there are different perspectives of the truth and different subtruths. Someone can see me hit my head on the wall. There is that one truth. I hit my head. But did I trip and hit my head, or did i hit my head on purpose. Why did I trip and hit my head. Was it because I was having a panic attack, a ptsd moment, or did I just stumble on a dog toy on the floor. All that was seen from the window was my hitting my head. What if I were having a total break down or anger and emotion and purposely just banged my head into the wall. It would seem there needs to be a detective to uncover the complete and whole truth of what happened. There is the truth that my head hit the wall. But depending on your perspective, position, view, and knowledge or what was going on before and during, would change the subtruths of what the entire truth is. 

I pretty much just made all that up. Truths, and subtruths, and objective and subjective truth. I did it to make a point. I cannot get into my brother’s head and know what he holds true about me or about his choice in not speaking to me. The truth for many is this complex twisted up ball of whys. I wish I had him break it all down for me so I could see what his truth was from his perspective. In the past though, my family’s version of the truth is blame, shame, and denial, and abandonment. I hate to even give any of my family the satisfaction of knowing I am even thinking of them at this moment. They don’t deserve a thought. 

And all of the, what is the real truth,  is complete bullshit. All of it. An abuse victim does it though. We want to know wy someone didn’t choose us. We want to understand why we weren’t protected, why our emotions weren’t held sacred, and why our healing wasn’t put top of the list. We fill our heads with these bullshit pondering to try and make sense of something that there is no sense in.  

When a man molests a little girl then her truth is THE ONLY TRUTH. There is nothing to be debated. There are no questions. There is no why. There is a fact. I was molested by a sick fuck of a man. I told my family the entire truth. Every last detail that I could muster. THE TRUTH. They left. Gone. Poof. All of them. So me even taking the time to ponder what my twin is thinking, why he is thinking it, is a complete waste of my time. I took a year to mourn the loss of my family. Those who have decided to not support me can join the club of absolute and complete pathetic fucking pieces of shit who are narcissists and put themselves and their feelings  above an abuse victim. I hoped my brother wasn’t part of that club. But after 2 years….There are no questions I want to ask my twin. There was a truth, and he chose to ignore it. It makes me sad to think that he cannot see beyond “them”. But maybe he is a “them” too. I didn’t want to think so. I mean for heavens sake we shared the same fucking womb! Shouldn’t there be a connection, a bridge of hearts, a compassion of souls? I watched videos on the computer earlier and saw one of him tossing my daughter in the air in the lake. I watched them laugh. And I thought, why didn’t you choose me. Ugh,I just can’t ask myself that any longer. It isn’t fair to me. I deserve better. 

Ah my post went from calm and thoughtful, to contemplative, to angry, to sad, and ended with this:

The last string is now broken. 

44 thoughts on “Goodbye twin.

  1. My darling lady, you have been through so much pain. You and I understand each other and so do many others. It helps knowing others understand you and “know” what you have gone through. I am so sorry. You are a lot younger than I am and really hope you can come to peace over this. It never goes away but we look for understanding and a place in our minds that allow us to find some joy. You should set up a gofund me page.

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  2. The fact that your twin not believing you has to be miserable. I am a twin as well (I can’t remember if I have mentioned it to you before) and for my twin to take the “other’s” side…would be devastating. πŸ™ You are each other. I can’t imagine my life without my twin. We are complete night and day, and drives me crazy but I know I would be so lost if she were no longer in my life. Sending strength your way. ❀πŸ’ͺ

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    • I am not sure if he believes me or not. He just chooses to be with those who abandoned me after hearing the truth. It is devastating. I didn’t know you were a twin. Thanks for sharing that. So you understand what should be a concrete foundation between two people! And how bizarre that it isn’t. I am so so glad you have your twin’s love and support. He and I are very opposite in personality too but….oh just hard to let it all go but I have.

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  3. First of all, I am sorry for all of the pain you’ve been through. This post really hit home for me. I have a very dysfunctional family and none of “them” speak to meveither! I can so relate. Not to take away from you but just know that you’re not alone. I have been through a lot and them taking only their sides all sticking together without me. It’s very hurtful and the pain never goes away. However, I have finally decided that I’m fucking done and over it! They have been in and out of my life like my trash every fucking week. My mom always found something to be pissed of at me for. My siblings are pansies and my dad well he just sides with my precious sister. Anyhow, I’m sorry for rambling this is about you! If you know that you have given them more chances than they deserve but they continue to cause you drama, hurt, relentless affliction and your driving your own self crazy trust me when I say family or not you don’t deserve that! In fact they don’t deserve YOI! If you ever need an ear I’m here😊

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    • I am SO glad that you shared YOUR story. I don’t want it to just be about me. i want to be relatable and I want to hear your story so I don’t feel like a leper over here which I often feel like but never admit to but since you opened up then I feel like I can say I do feel like a leper. I really appreciate you sharing what you have been through. We both deserved better. We really do. Thanks for making me not feel alone in this part of my life…the one where my family sucks and I have to let them all go every last one of them. I appreciate you leaving the message!!!!!

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      • I already feel such a connection with you! That post just really pissed me off and because I could feel the hurt not just for me but for you! I have kept all of my story a secret because I didn’t want people to know and have my family pissed at me but god damn it this is my life my story and my TRUTH!!!! I think that blogging was the best thing I could’ve ever done solely for myself. I mostly right to get this fucking poison out of me! I just want peace!! That is all~

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      • Well, you are a badass and i have extreme respect for you. We have a lot in common. I started this blog right after they all disowned me as my way of saying…you know what….no one is going to silence me anymore…AND maybe other women need to not be silenced either and MAYBE we can have support from each other since our families are jackasses! It was the first thing I have done just for me in forever. And it has helped me get past so much and understand so much. It’s been an awesome experience, blogging , and connecting with others like you.

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      • I think we are twins separated at birth! All of what you wrote right here is me! Yes, we can support each other. The amazing part of my journey by writing is meeting people only through words not in person but you/they understand me better than “them” ever have or did! Yes, awesome and feels so good to connect with others like this. My own family has no fucking clue of who I really am but that is their problem and their loss now!!

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      • Isn’t that just amazing. How you and I can TOTALLY “get” each other and that is through connecting through words and people who have known us our whole life have no clue who we even are. Fucking assholes! They didnt even try!!!! To easy to live in denial and pretend. But you and i dont live in their world, that world, we can’t. We have to live in the truth. No more secrets. Yep. Twins for sure! Hey maybe my twin brother and you got switched!!!! That’s it. I have solved the mystery!

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      • That is the very part that makes me most angry is that they didn’t even try! And they took the easy road by placing the blame onto me! But that’s okay I will take it like everything fucking else! I love it and you! Bethany is your name right? or shall I call you something else?

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      • I kept my story a secret too. So when i finally had my big reveal and it was met with abandonment i was floored. And stayed floored for a long time. They will never understand the strength it took to break the silence.

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      • Seriously right? I know that my mom reads my blog and I hope she continues to do so. I don’t hate any of them in fact I love them so much more than they deserve but they can’t be in my life only my heart!

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      • That’s because you are a good person with a good heart and good hearted people carry those they love in their hearts forever even if they have been harmed by them. I will never stop thinking about them. I am not built that way. But i will stop allowing them to hurt me and i will stop allowing them to haunt my day to day thoughts with their choices / have to let them go or it would have destroyed me.

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      • WOW! we really think a lot alike it is crazy! Exactly! No more. In a way, we have enabled them and that is changing and will no longer be happening sounds like in either of our worlds!! I too got to the point that I was allowing them to such the fucking happiness right out of my life. My mom’s famous line to me was something to the affect of her giving birth to me. REALLY? WHATTHEFUCKEVER!!

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      • Oh, i allowed it my entire life!!!! I let it happen. Because I couldn’t see it for what it was until i stepped away, well they stepped away from me, showed their true colors, then i reviewed my whole life in bits and pieces and realized this was what I allowed. I never saw it or demanded different. Now i cant imagine allowing anyone to treat me that way ever again.

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  4. That’s what I kept thinking. It was always about her, never about me. Even when I had started writing we had reconnected or reconciled yet again after only 2 short months she started trying to tell me how I should write only the truth. I was so pissed off and I told her that I will write about my story which is MY TRUTH! and that was the beginning of the end!

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  5. Oh god the tears…I don’t wanna say I know your feels or that I’ve been thru almost exactly the same (though I do and I have) bc I know that’s annoying af sometimes when your heart hurts.

    I will say this: I am here for you. I know you don’t know me but still. There’s another grownup little girl in the world who knows and you’re not alone. For me that is everything so I offer it to you as well.

    Holidays are rough for people like us (my whole family ditched me too) so make sure you take care of you. And pls keep writing. I’ve tried so many times to write this amazingly honest post you’ve written…I guess I’m not there yet. But reading your anger and pain and…it made my day. Most posts on this topic are clinical/cheesy but I loved your raw honesty here. Keep it up! E.

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    • I love that you share your experience. I love that you know how it feels and you get what I am going through and you shared that. It is something when someone has been through it and truly knows as compared to someone who can have empathy but hasn’t felt the pain. So thank you. I really appreciate your comment and your offer to be there. It is a difficult time now, this time of year. I hate that you understand because that means you’ve been through it but it is good to feel understood. I’m sorry for your pain. Im sorry your family left you.
      When I started my blog it was out of the need to bare my soul in its true form and speak the words that I have not been able to speak before because of my own inhibitions or because someone else silenced me. The more I write, the more I heal, the more I can speak my true emotions about things that, yeah, people often write all clinical, and I can read that in a book. I want to know how someone REALLY feels. So thanks for the encouragement!

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      • And thank YOU for the inspiration. I started this blog for the same reason but the words just…won’t. Truly love reading yours bc then it’s like they did come…they just came out of another human lol. Which is actually pretty cool.
        I’m sorry too…for all those reasons. Idk your whole story but I know it gets better. I so admire your bravery. Stay cool xoxo

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  6. our littles are crying reading this. they wantto hug you. I want to hug you. its ok honest. you’ll be ok. we understand. we’d love to email you. our little insiders would like a newfriend!

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