I thought of a list of questions I would like to ask my twin brother. Yep, I have a twin brother. Shared the same womb kind of twin brother. When my mother, her sister and her kids, uncle, and older brother stopped speaking to me after the letter of the details of abuse I endured was sent, my twin stopped speaking to me too. I have, in the last few months, let go of my family and nolonger allowed space to be taken up in my brain by them. But my twin brother…He is the last little string of connection in my brain. I had to make the choice to let them go. It was a conscious choice, a necessary choice, imperative to my healing choice. So I wondered these questions about my twin brother:
Who is motivating you to not speak to me.
What do you consider the “right” thing. Are doing someone else’s “right” thing or your own by not speaking to me.
Are you a follower or are you motivated, guided, and led by your own intentions. Is you not speaking to me yours and only your choice.
Are your actions toward me based on your own feelings or are your actions a reflection of the extended family’s feelings towards me.
Do you know how you, as a person, really feel towards me.
Do you even know who you are? Stripped of other’s influence.
These were questions I thought I wanted to ask my brother but really I would rather him ask himself these questions. The fact is, he doesn’t speak to me and hasn’t for almost 2 years now. All these questions are really my trying to give a “why” to his choice. But not everyone is like me. When I have a why, it is because I have weighed in on all of the questions I wrote above. I ask myself why I am making the choice I am making. Not everyone does. Some people just take the easiest road. They toss a coin. Some people, as much as I would have liked them to make a soul decision, just made a superficial one when it came to me. Some made choices based on what they think the truth is. By people I mean my mother, cousins, aunt, brother, etc.
There is the truth and there are subtruths. Subtruths are the “why” to the truth. Truth can’t be objective or subjective. The truth just is. But there are different perspectives of the truth and different subtruths. Someone can see me hit my head on the wall. There is that one truth. I hit my head. But did I trip and hit my head, or did i hit my head on purpose. Why did I trip and hit my head. Was it because I was having a panic attack, a ptsd moment, or did I just stumble on a dog toy on the floor. All that was seen from the window was my hitting my head. What if I were having a total break down or anger and emotion and purposely just banged my head into the wall. It would seem there needs to be a detective to uncover the complete and whole truth of what happened. There is the truth that my head hit the wall. But depending on your perspective, position, view, and knowledge or what was going on before and during, would change the subtruths of what the entire truth is.
I pretty much just made all that up. Truths, and subtruths, and objective and subjective truth. I did it to make a point. I cannot get into my brother’s head and know what he holds true about me or about his choice in not speaking to me. The truth for many is this complex twisted up ball of whys. I wish I had him break it all down for me so I could see what his truth was from his perspective. In the past though, my family’s version of the truth is blame, shame, and denial, and abandonment. I hate to even give any of my family the satisfaction of knowing I am even thinking of them at this moment. They don’t deserve a thought.
And all of the, what is the real truth, is complete bullshit. All of it. An abuse victim does it though. We want to know wy someone didn’t choose us. We want to understand why we weren’t protected, why our emotions weren’t held sacred, and why our healing wasn’t put top of the list. We fill our heads with these bullshit pondering to try and make sense of something that there is no sense in.
When a man molests a little girl then her truth is THE ONLY TRUTH. There is nothing to be debated. There are no questions. There is no why. There is a fact. I was molested by a sick fuck of a man. I told my family the entire truth. Every last detail that I could muster. THE TRUTH. They left. Gone. Poof. All of them. So me even taking the time to ponder what my twin is thinking, why he is thinking it, is a complete waste of my time. I took a year to mourn the loss of my family. Those who have decided to not support me can join the club of absolute and complete pathetic fucking pieces of shit who are narcissists and put themselves and their feelings above an abuse victim. I hoped my brother wasn’t part of that club. But after 2 years….There are no questions I want to ask my twin. There was a truth, and he chose to ignore it. It makes me sad to think that he cannot see beyond “them”. But maybe he is a “them” too. I didn’t want to think so. I mean for heavens sake we shared the same fucking womb! Shouldn’t there be a connection, a bridge of hearts, a compassion of souls? I watched videos on the computer earlier and saw one of him tossing my daughter in the air in the lake. I watched them laugh. And I thought, why didn’t you choose me. Ugh,I just can’t ask myself that any longer. It isn’t fair to me. I deserve better.
Ah my post went from calm and thoughtful, to contemplative, to angry, to sad, and ended with this:
The last string is now broken.