Nightmares and PTSD. I don’t think I can put one higher on the scale of disruptive.I haven’t slept well in three nights. I have nightmares. They aren’t about my past. They aren’t even about me. My nightmares are about the torture of one or more people. All night long women are sold, trafficked, raped, tortured, and left alone. My nightmares could not be more violent. They are very bloody. I wake up in the middle of the night only to fall asleep right back into the same nightmare. Now I am scared to sleep. I have no idea what I will witness. It’s as if I am put in front of horror movies with my eyes taped open. I can’t look away and I can’t wake up.
I have cycles of nightmares. They will come for weeks at a time and then leave for weeks. When I am having them, I am exhausted physically and emotionally. I wake up feeling like I have run a mile (with a muscle disease),and then emotionally traumatized by the scenes that I had to be a part of while I slept. It is cruel.
PTSD happens during the day. Nightmares happen at night. There isn’t a break! PTSD comes upon me unexpected, lasts a few minutes to a few hours, then leaves me feeling physically and emotionally exhausted. Fortunately, I will go days with out having a flashback, even weeks sometimes. As upsetting as PTSD moments are, I eventually snap out of it and come back to the present. In the nightmares, they last all night long for hours and hours and I can’t wake up.
I don’t think one is worse than the other. They are both awful. I understand the PTSD but I have no understanding why my brain decides to torture me all night with horrific scenarios to watch.
Hopefully tonight I will get a break.
I am at the mercy of my mind. I hope it decides I’ve had enough.