It’s not the end of the world, I just don’t want to kiss dad.

After I got married I felt uncomfortable with my dad kissing me on the lips. He had always kissed me on the lips and I never much cared for it. In the era I grew up in most kids parents kissed them on the lips. My husband’s grandpa who was 96 still kissed his daughter, and me and everyone else in the family on their lips. But I decided I didn’t like my dad to kiss me on the lips anymore for whatever reason and needed to tell him that was the end of that.

I remember it like it was yesterday, even though it was 20 years ago. It took weeks to get up the courage to actually speak the words. 20 years ago I had not found my voice yet and was very reluctant to go against any of my family’s wishes. I never stood up for what I wanted or said what made me uncomfortable. It started with dad by me just turning my head. He questioned, why I turned my head. Ugh. Now I had to tell him why. “I just don’t want to kiss you on the lips anymore.” For heaven’s sake I was 24 years old! I shouldn’t have to explain WHY I didn’t want my father to kiss me anymore. But my reasonings were that I was married now and the only lips I wanted touching mine were my husband’s. My father was offended. He was upset. There was talk of other cultures and how fathers should be able to kiss their daughters blah blah blah. This was a pretty big moment for me because for the first time ever, I was telling someone in my family, no. He didn’t kiss me on the lips after that. He tried a few times, forgot I guess, who knows. 

This past weekend my husband had gone a few days without shaving. He gave me a kiss and in my head I thought blugh (don’t know if that is a word) becaus the sharp prickles of his upper lip reminded me of my dad. It is 20 years after that confrontation with dad and I look at that scenario completely different now. In many ways I think of it differently. I didn’t JUST want dad to stop kissing me because I was married. I didn’t like the way it felt for my father to kiss me with his moustache. I didn’t like the way it made me feel in general. My father felt it was owed to him. He felt it was his right. No matter my reasons, no one has a right to kiss you that you don’t want to. It goes all the way back to childhood rules that I instilled in my own daughter: I don’t care who it is, family or friend, if you are uncomfortable, then you can say no. I shouldn’t have had to give my dad reasons. I can’t believe I even did. I didn’t want my dad kissing me because my dad hadn’t earned the right to show me affection of any kind. Not even a hug. My dad was often inappropriate, said inappropriate sexual things, commented on inappropriate sexual parts of my body, and it bothers me to this day. So ofcourse I was uncomfortable with his insistence on lip kissing. He didn’t have boundaries so deep down, I just didn’t trust him. 

Looking back, that kiss must have REALLY been bothering me, because I never spoke my feelings back then. I never did again until 20 years later, which subsequently led to my entire family disappearing. They don’t like the truth. 

You may be 7, 15, 20, or 50, but when you decide that someone kissing or touching you is no longer what you want, they don’t get to question that. You don’t owe them anything. You owe yourself. You owe to respect your own body’s wishes. I used to be a big hugger. Hugged everyone. One day, I didn’t want to be hugged anymore. It felt intrusive. So I stopped huggging. EVERYONE got insulted. Someone goes in for the hug, you put up a hand and step back, well you may as well have right hooked that person in the jaw. What’s the big deal? So I don’t want to hug you. I can list the ways….allergic reactions to fabric softener, perfume, cologne, aftershave, lotion, possible PTSD affects from smells, possible PTSD affects from a closeness I am not comfortable with. I could give all of these reasons, but I’m not going to anymore. I dont like you any less just because at this time in my life I dont feel like you have ig your body smashed against mine. My body is my body for the first time in my life. For an indeterminant amount of time, I don’t want anyone to touch it. I think I’m due that. 

14 thoughts on “It’s not the end of the world, I just don’t want to kiss dad.

  1. You know my abuser is also known as my “step father”. He’s tried kissing or hugging me through the years after I grew up. Over the last couple years the “unspoken” rules had to become “spoken” rules! “You are not allowed to kiss me. You are not allowed to hug me. You are not allowed to put your hands on me at all in any fashion no matter what you are trying to do. You may never, ever tell me that you love me.” It didn’t go over very well, but I shouldn’t be put in a situation like that…ever again! I makes me feel physically sick when he tries.

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  2. I am sorry that happened to you . I am sorry that you had to set down the rules like that, rules should have self evident from the start. Only a few of my own abusers wanted that. Most were simply happy with their power over a small fragile boy. Most were simply showing their anger and their ability to force me to serve their wishes. I am glad after I reached adulthood the abuse had stopped, and not continued as your did. I moved 1700 miles away from my abusers. I wonder if that may be a solution for you? My best wishes for you, my deepest sympathies, my warmest respects. Because of your past I will change my customary sign off slightly….. Virtual hugs for you. Scottie

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh how kind. Thank you. I am so sorry to hear of the abuse you endured. The suggestion you made is quite brilliant!!!! We have just started discussing how it would be if we moved away. Left any little imprint of a memory that could be triggered by people that were involved. Thank you so much.

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      • Thank you. I am not that little boy anymore. I wish those adults who know or suspected the abuse would have come forward and helped. But it was a different time and a different place. I have a great life now. I don’t have anything to do with my abusers, some have passed on. I have a great life, with a loving husband and great friends. Be well. Getting away from the place of abuse / abusers both in location and in my own mind was a grand gift my loving husband gave me. He stood by me and supported me for 26 plus years. He challenged and stood between me and the abusers when it was needed, and took me 1700 miles away to help me feel safe. Hugs

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  3. Wow, I can relate to this post in a way. My dad, to this day, kisses me on the lips. I’ve always hated it, and I still do. I’ve been wanting to tell him I don’t like it and don’t want him to do it anymore, but I’m terrified. He’s a narcissist and it won’t go down well. I’m living with him and the stepfamily at the moment, so unfortunately I can’t afford to get kicked out. I have nowhere else to go, and am still looking for work.

    “My dad was often inappropriate, said inappropriate sexual things, commented on inappropriate sexual parts of my body, and it bothers me to this day.” Yes, yes! I can relate to this. My dad is the same way. He still does it, not really to me anymore, but to everyone else, especially my step-siblings (teenagers) which is so inappropriate. The things he says makes me as a grown woman, feel embarrassed. I’ll have to get up the courage to say something as soon as I’m able to.

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    • How absolutely frustrating that you live with a narcissistic father who you cannot tell no to. I know all about that feeling and it is a helpless vulnerable feeling. But doing something like that, that is upsetting, is so damaging to your mental state, at least it was mine. I wish I could help you come up with a way to tell him no without causing conflict or confrontation! But i hate to hear you have to do something you aren’t comfortable with. You could always do the turn the head like I did!

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      • I did try and avoid it a few times… And just pretended that it wasn’t intentional, but even that already got his back up. I just keep telling myself “one day it will be over”. I survive. 🙂

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  4. This is a beautifully open post. I kiss my Dad on lips at 36 as well as many other adult family members. Though when I was a teenager I went through a few years where I did not kiss my Dad. I was getting used to the idea of liking boys and kissing my Dad muddled all of that. Now I realize that there is a big difference. My kids have ebbs and flows of kissing me on the lips, cheek or just giving me a hug. Everyone has to do what makes them comfortable, along with making sure they don’t make the recipient uncomfortable.

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