Porn. Yes, I’m going there. 

Obvious triggers*

I was introduced to porn by a child predator as a little girl. I was shown pictures. I was shown videos. I was held down and I was dominated. I know how this feels first hand. I am NOT okay with porn, S&M, nude magazines, graphic sexual movies, or anything that falls under those catergories. There is no way to know if these women have been forced, are being trafficked, have been previously raped, or are currently being raped in any pornographic movie. 

 Women’s bodies are not to be used in such a manner for entertainment and for money. 

Our bodies are not meant to be used.

 Our bodies are not meant to be watched by others  for sexual gratification. 

And what about the men. How do we know they are there by their own free will in pornographic movies? Men are raped and forced into prostitution and trafficked JUST LIKE WOMEN! Are you sure that this porn video you are watching has people participating of their own free will? Even if all parties involved are willing participants, I do not believe this is the way sex was meant to be. I believe it to be highly immoral and contributing to the contamination of our soul. 

A woman is not meant to be dominated. 

A man is not meant to be dominated. 

Sex should not be accompanied by pain or bondage or submission. Sex should be intimate, private, cherished, consensual, and sacred. Any other sex I find vile and repulsive. 

It seems “natural” for young men to be given nude magazines I have heard. Boys will be boys I have heard. Why are parents teaching their boys that objectifying a woman’s body is okay? That looking at naked women in magazines is “natural”. I knew young girls with these magazines too. Girls have needs too I have heard.  These young girls and boys molested me along with adult men. I believe there is a strong correlation in watching porn, looking at nude magazines, and the corruption of the mind, and the confusion in a young mind on what is right and wrong. 

Where are morals taught. Where is integrity taught. Where is teaching respect and love and honoring ones body and other’s bodies taught?  I am not seeing it. I am seeing a world inundated with pornographic EVERYTHING. Look at fifty shades of grey. Best seller right? Bondage right? Really? This is what the world wants now? This is what individuals fantasize about? This is the new norm? I am disgusted. 

Porn and anything like it is opening the door to darkness. There is no purity there. It is not natural. It is not normal. It disgusts me to the core of my being. It blurs the lines. Blurred lines mean no boundaries. How young is the person you are watching on that porn? You don’t know. You have no idea what they have experienced. The watchers are not only supporting possible crimes against underage individuals, they are bringing a certain level of dirtiness into their life. They are bringing that into their marriage. A marriage that is supposed to be between 2 people. Two people that love an honor each other in every aspect of their intimate relationship. 

So what if two people want this in their relationship. What if a married couple needs this in their relationship. What if there is past history that makes porn somehow integrated. I still disagree. I disagree because an abused wounded person does not know, often times, what is okay and what is not okay. In all of the abuse, rape, molestations, torture, trafficking, and mutilations that go on in this world, we should be able to count on one thing. That our bed with our spouse is a place of safety, security, purity, and love. You are not loving if you are choking. You are not loving if you are tying up. You are not loving if you are hurting. That may be all your partner knows because of past abuse. Teach that partner it doesnt have to stay that way. 

I find anyone that looks at online, movie, etc, porn and explicit sex, nauseating. The man that molested me found great pleasure in his nude magazines. Looking back on his pleasure and then sitting me in his lap nauseates me. Do I think all people that look at nude magazines are child molesters? No. But I would not want you in my life if you did watch it nor would I trust your intentions. Hey, call me biased, due to abuse, but I have no idea what your boundaries are and are not if porn is acceptable. Just the possibility of those in the porn being there by force should be enough that no one ever watches it again.   If you can look at someone on the tv like that, or in a magazine like that, then you can look at ME like that. I have had enough people look at me with evil intention and act on those lusts and immoral thoughts to last more than a lifetime. 

Attention attention: NO porn watchers wanted here in my space. 

I choose to view the human body as sacred. Others may have hundreds of reasons they will list on how and why S&M and porn is okay. I don’t need to hear the reasons. I’ve lived that life against my will. I don’t choose to have it in my life ever again. 

A Lil’ Inspiration #22

Reblogged from an incredible woman

Bold Blind Beauty

Giving In Is Not Giving Up

“2009 marked my last unsuccessful vitrectomy. “I’m sorry there’s no more we can do for you” the doctor’s voice was like a distant echo and just like that I was declared legally blind.”

Professional business headshot photo of me In June of this year, it will be eight years since I was declared legally blind. If someone would have told me prior to my eye issues that I would survive without seeing I would have told them “no way!” I am so thankful reality is so much better than the fears I drummed up prior to my sight loss.

I can’t lie, going from darn near perfect correctable vision to no longer being able to see the eye chart was scary. So many questions like how am I going to work, how will I be able to remain independent, how can I do the things I used to do, how…

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Are you in it for the long haul?

A person does not just “get over it” after they are abused. If for one moment this is your mentality or your reality, then you are not with the abused. Are you in it for the long haul? If you are, that means never saying,  ” You need to move on,” or “It’s time to move past that,” or “You need to focus on the future,”or “Haven’t you talked about that enough,” or ” That still upsets you, it happened so long ago,” or ” I think it’s time to get over that,” or ” You need to just forgive and let go.” A victim of abuse wishes and dreams of a day when what was in the past stays in the past. They wish for a day when moving forward means they never have to think of the past again. If those things were true for everyone then PTSD would not be a diagnosis. 

A few days ago I had a memory. Of a procedure done on me that my mother says she can’t really remember. I had asked many times and got vague answers. Well, I finally remembered. What I remembered I am sure everyone thought I was so young I’d forget. The past does not stay in the past. Memories remind us. This memory was a painful one but it answered a mystery. I tried to share it and felt minimized and invalidated. I wish I could say I understand. I don’t. You are either there for someone or you are not. You are either in it for the long haul or you aren’t. Better to fess up and say it now if you can’t hack it. The last thing a person recovering from abuse needs is another loss. You don’t want to hear it? It’s been going on too long for you? Imagine how long it has been going on for ME!!!!I didn’t speak for 30 YEARS and now I have a time frame on how long I can discuss a sexual predator and what I was put through and memories that keep coming forward now that I am in therapy? No. I do not accept those friendship parameters. Oh, hello anger, I have not seen you for awhile. It is amazing how a little invalidation can bring you back full force!!!!

I told my dear friend about this a few days ago. She reminded me that a true friend is there for you unconditionally, no matter what, no matter how long. Friendship is a two way relationship. You talk. You listen. You console. You comfort. You laugh. You support. Unfortunately for other people in my life, she sets the bar high. And frankly I am tired of friends that fall below that bar. Hey, don’t blame me for setting the bar! She’s the one that put it there and allowing me to see how badly so many others SUCK.

Let me tell you about our friendship. We raised our two children together. We spent almost every day together. We know how to be angry for each other. We know how to jump on whatever bandwagon there is to jump on for each other. She and I could not be more opposite on so many things and yet we share our foundation which is how we love and how we parent. She eats cookies. I eat granola. We both love boiled peanuts. We both have our struggles and we each have each others’ back. No judgment. Unconditional. 20 years of friendship. We hold each other’s most deepest thoughts and worries and hopes and we cherish them. That is what friendship is. 

She has listened to story after story about my family, my father, my brother, the ski team, the child molesters, the abusive boyfriends. That’s what friends do. In 20 years you go through a lot together. She “gets” me. I trust her and it takes a lot for me to trust. 

She has been in it for the long haul since day one. Since before she even knew I was abused. When she signed on as my friend it was for life, and did not have restrictions or conditions, based on what I was going through at the time. 

So, 

If you aren’t in this for the long haul. Get out now. I don’t need another loss down the road from someone who I thought was invested in my heart and healing. I don’t need those first quotes in my first paragraph and neither does any other abuse survivor. Abuse recovery has no time table. If you think it does, if you are putting time constraints on an abuse survivor, stop.If you can’t stop, then just walk away now. We need to know now. Not one month from now or 2 years from now when we’ve trusted you with our truths.  The last thing we need is another fucking disappointment down the road. Really. We’ve lost enough already. I don’t need pretenders who just hang on to me as a connection or an aquaintnece. You are either with me, all the way, or you are not. Unconditional or gone. Every abuse survivor deserves to never ever hear “It’s time to put that in the past” again. Be in it for the long haul. We are worth it. 

What we tell our girlfriends.

Teenagers tell their friends everything. Every detail of their day, their dates, their moments. Shoot most of Facebook knows when you have peed and what color it is. As we grow older and wiser we learn boundaries. There are certain things we tell our friends  and certain things we just keep to ourselves. We also set boundaries for what we want to hear. I say no to crude sexual jokes from anyone and I really don’t need to know the sexual positions of my friends. So my girlfriends and I know each other’s boundaries. Sometimes we go outside the norm if we have a female issue, maybe medical in nature that we need advice on. But that is what we choose to tell our girlfriend about ourselves, but what is okay and not okay to discuss with your friend about your children?

I think the only way to answer that is what would we NOT want our parents to tell their friends about us. My mom had a best friend since elementary school. My mom told her everything including personal and private things about me. I don’t know what my mom’s intentions were other than she needed her friend to listen and wanted someone to commiserate about her daughter’s various situations. I found it odd, the things my mother chose to tell her friends. She did not tell them I was abused. Had she told them, I would have had adult female support. What my mom chose to share were embarrassing things about my personal self. She did not tell them about what men had done to me. It was okay to tell them things I would later find humiliating that others knew, but not things that could have helped me. I find this bizarre. But the point is, she chose to tell her friends things about me. When you choose your circle of trust in your friendships, be sure those friendships will be lifelong. I cannot be mad at my mother, nor point the finger at my mother for the things she chose to tell her girlfriends. But one of those girlfriends felt it was necessary to let me know she knew these intimate details about me. I was incredibly embarrassed. Who knew what I told my mother privately, she would tell her girlfriend, and would come back to hit me in the face 20 years later? I’m sure my mom didn’t think about it when she told her! 

Abuse seems hushed. Yet girlfriends, no matter what age, find it perfectly acceptable to discuss the size of their husband’s penis or how many times a week they have sex. I am not here to judge what anyone chooses to pour out to their girlfriend. I am here to tell you that if you are going to pour out your secrets to your girlfriend, make sure that secret is in a sacred trust circle. Make sure that if that friend poof disappeared from your life tomorrow, that secret being spread would not mortify you or your child. 

I am here to bring to light the secrecy of abuse and the protection of our children and their privacy. Many important topics, all needing to be spoken. 

What is okay to discuss about your child?  First, what would your child be okay with you discussing? What would your child want kept private? Your child deserves to have their privacy respected. But all parents need advice at one point or another whether it is a physical change or an emotional one, we need our girlfriends. “Jimmy is biting again.” “Susan is still eating her boogers,” ” Janie is still wetting the bed,” “Johnny is still sucking his thumb.” All childhood issues that we have sought advice from our friends about. But as Janie gets older is it so important that your girlfriends know she started her period? Is it important they know when she lost her virginity? Is it important for them to know that Johnny gave her a sexually transmitted disease? Where do you draw the line?  

You ask yourself one question: Is this in the best interest of my child for me to talk to my girlfriend about this?” If talking to your girlfriend will help your child then you weigh that out. If you are merely gossiping about your child’s personal life then that is a boundary that should not be crossed. 

Should my mom have told her friends that I was sexually abused? Should they have known I attempted suicide? Should they have known I was put in a hospital because of that? I would answer yes to all of those. She could have used advice and support. She could have used guidance. She could have had her girlfriends weigh in on what she should have done. Would that have been in the best interest of me? Yes. Would I have said yes? At the time, I don’t know. But sometimes parents have to make adult decisions based on their child’s best interest. It would have been in everyone’s best interest to know about the abuse. Instead there was this insidious secret that eventually blew up and destroyed my family. 

You have to decide who you let in your trust circle and why. What you choose to talk to your girlfriends about in regards to yourself is completely different than what you discuss in reference to your child. It deserves reflection and contemplation. Sometimes, we have to unload the burdens of our worries about our child. We just need to be accutely aware of who we unload those burdens to so that one day it doesn’t come back to our child and slap them in the face. My mother was only human. She needed her girlfriends. Some of those girlfriends have betrayed her by hurting me. I don’t blame her for that. But as parents, we are accountable for what we choose to share. Lets make sure we share the important things. Silence in abuse will only hurt the child more. Break the silence. If it’s the only thing you talk to your girlfriend about, talk to her about that. 

Oh me oh my, my hair is awry.

Oh me, oh my, my hair is awry. Today, along with falling out in massive amounts, it also decided to break off 3 inches from my head in many spots!


What is a girl to do? I tried to straighten it to flatten it to no vail. This was the final product after much attention was taken. 

Society wants us to have long luxurious hair! Every other commercial is a hair product  showing long flowing shiny hair! Everywhere you look you are bombarded with this VERY important fact: Girls MUST have long pretty hair are they aren’t pretty. Society sucks. It puts pressures no one can measure up to. We are inundated with social media and TV telling us how we are supposed to look and what men want. If we weren’t, then my current hair situation would not matter. I would not bat an eye at it. It would just…be. 

My husband and I went out to lunch soon after my hair discovery. I tossed on one of my daughter’s many hair bands. 
 

I didn’t even realize I made this face until I just posted it here. The pressure of pretty hair. Those of us with chronic illness cannot live up to this. I don’t have a medical answer, but my guess is, my bones and muscles are taking everything it can and leaving my hair in the dust. 

I didn’t let my hair, or lack there of, ruin a perfectly good day. As we pulled into the driveway I totally forgot about my hair when I saw the other blooms on my Japanese magnolia! All things in perspective. Really. LIfe is such a balance of perspective. I had a wonderful outing with my husband and I smelled the most magnificent smell of this flower. Balance.