Deep in the trenches 

+ I’m honestly too upset to know if there needs to be a trigger warning on this, sorry…..
I have been deep in the trenches for the last few months. I’ve known this. I am aware of exactly where I am. I’ve been in therapy to address emotions that have been stuffed down way too long. At a few points during this last few months I have wished I never said a word to a soul. I wish I had just continued the facade I had mastered my entire life. It felt safer there. Here it feels vulnerable. In that vulnerability I have felt deeper in a darkness than I have in a very long time. I’ve tried to pinpoint; Is it the loss of my family, the loss of my dog, the isolation, the loneliness? All of those things have contributed to my struggle with ongoing grief. But those are not the reason I am writing now. 

In the last few days the root of my issue has come to the surface and I have no idea what to do with it. This event left me feeling as if I have not moved forward an inch. It makes me feel as if the coping skills I have learned are all in vain. I feel as weak as I felt as a child. It reminded me of how deep all of this runs and I don’t honestly know if I want to, at this point even continue with therapy. Like I said, I was deep in the trenches with the full realization of the impact abuse has played into my life with PTSD, anxiety, nightmares, etc. Having to deal with how others in my life can or cannot fully understand these depths have left me feeling even lower than before. This incident 2 nights ago was really the tipping point. I feel like I’ve been left on the floor and no one to pick me up.
I had a best friend in highschool. I adored him. Thought of him as a brother, best friend, someone I loved. He was always there for me. I watched all of his sports, he spent every afternoon at my house until midnight hours. I haven’t heard from him in at least 10 years. He called me out of the blue late wednesday night. I was thrilled to speak to my old friend. I assumed he wanted to reconnect, to get updates on my life. My muscle disease, my daughter’s illness, maybe even my blog and book, and perhaps what happened with my family since he was so wrapped up in my entire family as a kid. That wasn’t why he called. I didn’t know this at first. He didn’t care about anything I had to say. He didn’t call to listen to anything about me. He called to question me. And he rapid fire questioned me. And I became small. Small like I know how to be. Small like I have been my entire life. He wanted to know why I didn’t date him. He said he was disappointed in my choices in life after I was in the mental hospital(the men I chose). I tried to explain abuse was all I knew and I chose abusive me, it’s what we do. He didnt want to listen. He wanted to tell me how he visited me in the hospital, I don’t even recall this, which I told him. He wanted to know if I remembered our conversation before I was put in the hospital, I didn’t. I don’t remember much from back then. Apparently, he does. He wanted, demanded, answers. Why didn’t I love him. Why didn’t I choose him. He wanted to know details of the abuse I endured. When I said no he demanded it. He demanded everything. He was very aggressive. He brought up painful times but made them ALL about him. Just like my own family. It was a reminder of how what happened to me didn’t really. What mattered was what I couldnt not provide for someone else. After I hung up with him I could not breathe. But I immediately thought I over reacted. He wanted a link to my book and blog and I emailed them to him. Then I regretted it. He may be reading this right now. But I don’t care. My blog is for other abuse victims not for abusers. The next morning I woke up and there was already a message from him. There was a text. I felt wounded. I still feel wounded. He wanted to know why I didn’t love him at 15. I told him that at that current time I was being molested!!!!!!! My words didn’t matter. So I go through therapy. Use words. I tried to use them. But then I shut down. All of my soldiers that were supposed to help me dropped their weapons and left me alone. All of the bears and animals that I was supposed to imagine standing behind me turned to dust. I was just the same weak and broken Bethany that I always was. 

Today I got angry. I texted back that he was to not contact me again by text or phone. I have not heard back….yet….but he is not the point. The point is, it only took one person from my past, one man, to shut me down. He brought up very personal, inappropriate things. I said nothing. If ever I felt that I would never recover, I would never move forward, I will never be ok, it is right now at this moment. 

I was in the trenches before. Now someone dumped mud on top of me and I may be drowning. 

My husband bought me this for Christmas. I wore it to the mall yesterday. I hadn’t been to the mall in 2 years. I kept saying over and over again “You are a warrior, you are a warrior.” I guess my husband feels I am or he wouldnt have bought me the shirt. No matter how many times I said it, I felt the only words on that shirt that would have been relevant would have been failure. 

21 thoughts on “Deep in the trenches 

  1. OK, a lot to deal with , in more ways than one. FIrst you don’t always have to be there for everyone else. Sometimes they need be there for you. Last the words failure do not apply, and never should have been used by anyone in connection with you. Warrior, survivor, achiever, mother, wife.. many more, but never failure.

    Let stop and think, he was being abusive, he was being an abuser right then. I understand you couldn’t cut him off. One of my own abusers several years ago called me and wanted to talk about my childhood. It drove me to hysterics. I don’t know how long I screamed until my son and Ron ran into the room and grabbed me and my phone. Ron threw my phone to my son , who blocked the number as fast as he could. Ron held me until I could breathe again.

    Now this is about you! It needs to be, and you deserve it to be. First know you did nothing wrong here. Hard to accept but very true. Second know that others are again trying to use you to make themselves feel better. Not all people do this, just the worst of them. That he is demanding that you should have once loved him shows that the doesn’t understand love. You need to block his calls, you need to be prepared to delete any comments that upset you, any comments that deal with his needs over yours. This is your blog, and your space , just as you home is. He has no right to barge into your home, he has no right to barge in here. SO if you can’t read the comments to judge and if you don’t want your husband or someone to do it for you, simply say I can’t deal with this and delete them. Then block his ability to comment. WordPress will let you do that.

    Last as to therapy and your needing it. IF it helped you continue and don’t let others make you doubt then keep doing it. IF it strengthened you, or helped you deal with the world then keep it up. IF not change to another provider of help and care. This is not a one size fits all thing. Each of us is different and relates to the world and others in it in our own way.

    Know I care, the people on this blog care. The people you live with care. All those who care won’t ask you to provide for their health and feelings while you suffer. They won’t. Use that as the metric to judge others actions by. Be well, Reach out if you feel you wish to and it would help. Hugs

    Liked by 2 people

    • Wow , this was very insightful, thoughtful, and I very much appreciate your words. I think, after I have read your thoughts and a few others, I will just need some time to get over the aggression he showed and how it brought up memories. Then I will reevaluate. Your kindness means very much to me. The harshness of others actually does not compare to the power of kindness and so these comments by you and others have softened the blow of what a hateful person chose to do. It did take me off guard. I am actually very glad you shared your story about being contacted, it makes me realize that it was pretty normal, my reaction. I am sorry that happened to you. And I thank you again for such encouragement.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sounds like he completely bombarded you. His actions sound aggressive and abusive. I am so sorry you had to go through this. You owe him no explanation. For anything. Please try not to beat yourself up over this. It isn’t your fault. No matter what he says.


    You got caught off guard. It only feels like a step back. I know it is difficult, but you will come back. You will survive this. And then you will thrive.

    Until then HANG ON TIGHT!!

    You are in my prayers…:)

    Liked by 2 people

  3. On the subject of getting better: for a long time it felt like every time I got better/stronger, something worse came along for me to cope with. There were times I didn’t want to get better/stronger because it just meant more awful stuff to deal with. Fortunately there did come a time when the stuff stopped getting more awful. Then came a time when bad stuff stopped coming up. I never thought I would reach that point. You are better/stronger today than you were, and you will get through this and be better/stronger than you are. Each of these things, as awful as they are, are some of the stepping stones of recovery. I’m sorry you had to go through this, but glad because I know you are strong enough to deal with this. The world doesn’t stop having assholes in it, we just get better at dealing with and avoiding them. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I just want to say, I can see you are blessed😊 Blessed with awesome people who encourage you, their words are so powerful and heartfelt too and it’s powerful enough to lift and carry all the pain and sadness away and replace it with strength and positive energy, it’s also a strong reminder that you’re not alone in your journey😉👍 I just can’t help but notice these beautiful words from comments section and it just blew me away and I thought it makes a difficult battle a little lighter to face. You’re really blessed, don’t let anyone else take that away from you.😉💖💕

    Liked by 2 people

    • YES!!! I truly am!!! Thank you for noticing that too. I have felt alone for most of my life but here, I feel I have met true individuals that may have known pain but they equally know how to love. I am very blessed.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s hard not to notice 😊 i was about to type my thoughts too but reading their comments i thought i should highlight how blessed you are and i think that’s what matters, not that what we’ve been through didn’t but realizing that you’re surrounded by these awesome people while you’re in a hard phase makes a huge difference. It’s like seeing your friends in a bigger picture while you’re enemies are just photo bombers at ten meters away.😉😉😉

        Liked by 1 person

  5. what does the shirt say? you definitely are a warrior. That guy is a jerk! He had no right to do what he did, the details of your abuse are none of his damn business! Not unless you feel like sharing them with him! hugs! xoxo


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