Little town secrets, bring it on.

I posted a very emotional, defeated post yesterday. I felt truly at the bottom of a bottomless pit. I cannot….I repeat…I cannot thank you enough, all of those who offered me words of encouragement. My words here cannot express my gratitude. I had spoken to my husband at length and although he was supportive and wise, he was not coming from a place of true understanding. Because he has not walked in my shoes. He has no idea what PTSD or flashback or feeling silenced and paralyzed feels like. Fortunately, he tries. But all of you have walked the walk I am walking, so your words gave me the strength to reframe what happened that had upset me so much. 

I spent all day thinking about this person who contacted me from the small town of secrets I grew up in. He had secrets of me that I had completely forgotten about. And he used those secrets to bring me to my knees then stab me in the back as I was on the floor. Small town people, small minded people, will sink to a level that will knock your legs right out from beneath you. My entire town hid the abuse that happened to me. And apparently there are still some, as this guy yesterday reminded me, trying to use these secrets to take power from me. These people will throw fireballs of secrets. Do you know what happened? I felt shame. It has taken me 2 years to overcome the shame of abuse. It’s what my blog title IS. I overcame it. But felt it full force once again, as soon as secrets were spoken, secrets I had forgotten had even happened. Secrets can bring shame. Secrets have power in the hands of evil. He brought shame to me again. I had just overcome the blame my family hurled at me, the pain of the abandonment of my “family”, and then comes this guy from the past.

I understand now more than ever that this IS a process. I did not rid my body of the shame of abuse on the day I thought I did. I came to an understanding that it was not MY shame. I forgot about all of the evil people who will try to bring shame back. I understand now that one moment, one day, 3 days of shame don’t mean that I have failed in my recovery from abuse. It just means there are assholes that will try and bring it back to me. It is my job to deflect that. I felt a failure because I could not do it in that moment. But it isn’t every day that someone reminds you of your darkest moments and uses them against you. I suppose I was only being human. I needed someone to hold my hand through it and my word press friends did just that. Some things we cannot do alone and we shouldn’t have to.

Being human, today, I am outraged. I am outraged at every human being who uses abuse to feel power, to create separation, to hurt, to abandon, to abuse even further. This guy, knows secrets about me that no one knows. I could list them all here so that there will no longer ever be a secret out there that someone can hold over my head. I thought about doing that. But shouldn’t there be some things, so heinous, that they just aren’t worth repeating? I think I have shared enough of my secrets, enough to prove that they are not mine. They are what men did to me. Men  did horrific things to my body. Do I need to list them so no one can hold them over my head? I thought so. But I’ve changed my mind. Everything that every man did to me was a result of years of abuse. It was a result. Anyone who chooses to hold that over my head is more than welcome to tell the world. But it won’t take away my power. It will just show that the person speaking of the things that happened to me is a heartless coward. This man who called me, all he had were past memories of my deepest pain. Him using those reflect on HIM. He did it in the worst way….in the name of love. Because I love you……. No one that loves you intentionally hurts you. No one uses love to preface pain. He also brought up memories of my mother who told me that even though she would no longer be in my life, she still loved me. That is NOT love. My family, this man, have no CLUE what love is. 

I had a moment of weakness. I had a few days of weakness. That’s human. Cruelty hurts. I reacted like any normal person reacts to cruelty. Fortunately, with the help of many friends here on WordPress I was able to reframe what happened and rise above this  person who tried to bring me down. He did try to make me feel small. I felt small. But he was the small one. By far one of the smallest. I mistook my extreme inner pain for weakness and smallness. But it is what it is, extreme pain at the spear thrown at my heart laced with memories I have tried to forget. What an absolute dick! This guy was a dick to do this to me. I see this now. 

Recovery from abuse has been longer than expected because it didn’t really start until 2 years ago when I chose to break the silence. I could not even begin my recovery until I spoke of the secrets that that little town had tried so hard to cover up for 30 years. There will always be these little towns. There will always be corrupt small minded people. There will always be cowards who sltither around trying to gain their strength by breaking other’s wills. I know this now. My recovery is going to take a long time. I’m going to have set backs whether unintentional from some guys colonge causing triggers or whether it is an asshole who tries to use me as his personal punching bag.

Yesterday I cried out for help. I asked on facebook. I called friends. I was desperate. No one answered my call. But this blog….I started this blog to help others and last night, you helped me to not feel alone. I am eternally grateful. Thank you. 

As for my secrets, I have exposed enough of them. If they want to shout out the rest from a rooftop, be my guest, because my secrets are not my shame, they were all done TO me at the hands of men (and one girl). But the town I grew up in..that little town of keystone.I will expose your secret. Your one big secret. Are you ready?  You ALL let a little girl get molested and did nothing about it. YOU ARE ALL SHAMEFUL HUMAN BEINGS. Be ashamed. You may be hiding your secret from your friends, family, spouse, but I know it. I know all of you. You are choosing to carry to the grave with you your biggest secret which is YOU let a little girl go through this alone. Your biggest secrets are larger than anything any man ever did to me. What men did to me has nothing to do with my character. You, little town of keystone, and all its inhabitants who still chose to do nothing have rot in your souls. Throw your spears, gossip about me, call me, I’m ready for all of you fuckers now. I WILL overcome the shame of abuse which includes all the tiny contributors in that town. Even if it takes a lifetime, I will work through it one memory, one asshole at a time. 

37 thoughts on “Little town secrets, bring it on.

  1. You go with your larger than life warrior woman survivor self! Don’t take no shit from anyone! You are so much bigger and better than all those small town, small minded, secret keepers. They are the ones who should be carrying the shame. They are the ones who’ve done wrong. The victim is never NEVER to be blamed or shamed for what has been done to them.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. We should never feel shame about what was done TO US – others should be ashamed for using that as a weapon. The only bearers of shame are those who harm others and those who remain silent while others harm. Stay strong and know your abuse will never define you.

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  3. Nothing would change my view of you, nothing. I will always know you as the gentle, compassionate soul that you are. The burn of things done to you will fade. Mine did. It took awhile.
    “An absolute dick,” that made me laugh aloud! Oh, yes…!

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      • He just sounds pathetic, and oddly a compliment in that it sounded like he wish he had you because he is so unhappy in his life now. It’s no excuse for all the other aggressive bullshit. Maybe he was drinking which seems to allow others to abandon all social graces.
        Anyway, it has been a hard year as far as ‘family’ goes. You sure didn’t need that!
        You’re OK. Nothing can change the core of you. Maybe, like me, you just need to learn how to protect it more. One therapist said I needed a ‘shit shield.’ One that curved out and deflected shit, not inward where every time I was hit (and hurt) by it.
        It is hard to learn these things in adulthood…but we are doing it… : )

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Honey speaking truth to people who are complicit in hurting you is very hard, but living with it in silence is a lot more difficult and slowly saps you of your life. Recently someone brushed off my pain by saying, “we all experience pain in life”, that is so true but unless you have gone through what I have been through you will never really understand. I believe everything runs on a continuum, pain is a matter of degree. We live at the far end. Take comfort with the people who do understand you, as I know you do.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am so sorry — and so ANGRY — that a hateful jerk hurt you like that! But wow, I admire your STRENGTH!!! I have crumbled to pieces, and stayed crumbled for weeks, sometimes months, over a lot less. And I have been in this healing journey a lot longer than you, because I am a great grandmother.

    I wanted to let you know, Bethany, that I am taking a break from blogging for awhile. This isn’t a New Year’s resolution, I have given up on those! It’s just that I made a resolution last year, on January 1, 2016, that I would finish my memoir before the year was through. This did not happen, not even close. And when I looked back over the past year and asked myself WHY I did not achieve my goal, what stood out in my mind were all the hours I spent in a typical day, reading and commenting on blogs.

    For this reason, I have made my blog private temporarily and unfollowed all of the blogs I was following. I miss my blogging friends already! Hopefully I will finish my manuscript and be back soon.

    God bless you and your precious family in this new year! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh I am so excited for you!!!! And I completely understand. I have had my book sitting here for weeks. No idea where to start the editing process. I completely understand refocusing on your memoirs. When they are published i would very much like to buy them so please come back and post the link when you are finished. Thank you for all of the encouragement and support and understanding!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Let me ask you a quick question if you don’t mind. Is your book saved in a normal page size like 11 by something? Because i was reading if i wanted to book to be smaller i have to reformat it to a smaller size and holy cow i have no clue how to do that!!!!!i was trying to put my book of poetry in print instead of just an ebook just for practice for my memoirs and I had no idea how to do it. It is saved on microsoft office and also in pdf form.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Good morning, Bethany!! I put together a short list of books that I have found very helpful. Several of these are currently free right now on Amazon’s Kindle! If you don’t own a Kindle reader, you can still read them, by downloading a free Kindle app to your computer, smart phone, or tablet.

        Breaking Ground on Your Memoir: Craft, Inspiration, and Motivation for Memoir Writers by Brooke Warner and Linda Joy Myers (This one costs less than $6 on Kindle right now. The reviewers agree that it is worth it.)

        Book Marketing is Dead: Book Promotion Secrets You MUST Know BEFORE You Publish Your Book by Derek Murphy (currently free on Kindle)

        How to Write, Format, Publish, and Promote Your Book (Without Spending Any Money) by Derek Murphy (currently $1.99 on Amazon Kindle)

        100 Common Publishing Questions Answered by Derek Murphy (now 99 cents on Kindle. Derek also has a helpful blog about writing, but that link is on my other computer. His great free advice on cover design, found on his website, helped me a lot.)

        Successful Self-Publishing: How to self-publish and market your book in ebook and print by Joanna Penn (currently free on Kindle)

        The Successful Author Mindset: A Handbook for Surviving the Writer’s Journey by Joanna Penn (under $5 now on Kindle)

        Write Good or Die by Scott Nicholson (currently free on Kindle)

        The Naked Truth About Self-Publishing by Jana DeLeon (currently free on Kindle)

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  6. I have my book saved in my word program. I haven’t yet reached the stage of formatting it for an ebook or paperback book. When I reach that stage, I will probably hire someone to format it for me. I have read on at least one writer’s blog that you can hire good help, cheap, on something called fiver (dot) com. I am pretty sure that is the name. But I know there is a trick to figuring out who would be good to hire and I can’t remember what I read about that.

    As for my book cover, I did that myself on my printmaster graphic design program, formatted for a 6×9 trade paperback book. But I have been doing graphic design for years, so I knew how to do it — it isn’t easy!! Probably most people will need to hire a designer.

    Here are some sites that I have saved under “writing” that I intend to get back to when I am ready to publish, for specific how-to information:

    http://www.aeroplanemedia.com/amazon-sundae-need-know-createspace-kdp/

    http://www.writersdigest.com

    http://www.chadrallen.com/getpublished

    https://www.createspace.com

    https://ryanlanz.com/2016/09/24/dont-even-think-of-publishing-unless-youve-done-these-4-things/

    https://colleenchesebro.com/2016/09/20/from-grammarly-to-wordrake-a-review-of-6-automatic-editing-tools/

    http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2013/07/how-to-self-publish-bestseller/

    http://marionroach.com/marion-roach-smiths-blog-the-memoir-project/ (An excellent resource for memoir writers)

    http://www.thecreativepenn.com/blog/ (This author lives in England. She gives away so much excellent advise, for free!)

    There are other good resources, but I don’t have them all on this device. I also have purchased some best selling ebooks on the process of writing, self editing, and self publishing. I found them by searching on Amazon, and figured out which ones to buy, or not, by reading the reviews, especially the negative reviews.

    Reading the negative and positive reviews on memoirs offered for sale on Amazon is also a great help in writing your memoir.

    Good luck!! I would offer to be a beta reader for you but I really don’t have the time.

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    • I am so excited you gave me all of these links!!!! I spend hours searching for nothing and these are just priceless. Thank you. Thanks for all of your help!!!! Ok , I won’t ask any more questions. I know you have book writing to do!!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I remember hearing “You’re only as sick as you’re secrets.” and I thought “I don’t want to be that sick.” I no longer have secrets. That doesn’t mean I tell everyone everything; but *I* have no secrets. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Bethany,
    I came here to check out your blog when you followed mine.
    First, I am so sorry for what you have endured. Your approach (to something I have never experienced) seems a wise one. Be good to yourself and don’t let others force their shame on you.
    Second, recovery from anything, physical or emotional, has set backs. Expect them and move on. I say that as a survivor of illness and surgery and grief. We just all have to do our best, lick our wounds when they are apparent or hurting, and get going again.
    Third, as to your husband, you’re right. Nobody can really understand what you have or are going through. They can only sympathize, not empathize and it is up to us to help them understand or except that they don’t. I have a physical illness that is sometimes obvious, sometimes not. My husband is often clueless, and then he is unhelpful. But when he is it isn’t because he doesn’t care, it’s because he doesn’t know how I’m feeling. Still, I find myself pushing myself harder — which helps me — when he is clueless. Because I don’t want to let him down, I get over hurdles that I might not climb without that motivation. And when I really need him to be clued in, I talk to him about it. I ask for help. That seems to be exactly what you did with your husband, and I tell you this because it is a life-long thing you will need to keep in mind. I’ve been married 30 years, and had my Crohn’s the whole time. Sadly, they can lend support but can never walk for us. ;/ .

    Good luck on your journey. And keep writing, because it helps so very much!

    Liked by 1 person

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