I posted a very emotional, defeated post yesterday. I felt truly at the bottom of a bottomless pit. I cannot….I repeat…I cannot thank you enough, all of those who offered me words of encouragement. My words here cannot express my gratitude. I had spoken to my husband at length and although he was supportive and wise, he was not coming from a place of true understanding. Because he has not walked in my shoes. He has no idea what PTSD or flashback or feeling silenced and paralyzed feels like. Fortunately, he tries. But all of you have walked the walk I am walking, so your words gave me the strength to reframe what happened that had upset me so much.
I spent all day thinking about this person who contacted me from the small town of secrets I grew up in. He had secrets of me that I had completely forgotten about. And he used those secrets to bring me to my knees then stab me in the back as I was on the floor. Small town people, small minded people, will sink to a level that will knock your legs right out from beneath you. My entire town hid the abuse that happened to me. And apparently there are still some, as this guy yesterday reminded me, trying to use these secrets to take power from me. These people will throw fireballs of secrets. Do you know what happened? I felt shame. It has taken me 2 years to overcome the shame of abuse. It’s what my blog title IS. I overcame it. But felt it full force once again, as soon as secrets were spoken, secrets I had forgotten had even happened. Secrets can bring shame. Secrets have power in the hands of evil. He brought shame to me again. I had just overcome the blame my family hurled at me, the pain of the abandonment of my “family”, and then comes this guy from the past.
I understand now more than ever that this IS a process. I did not rid my body of the shame of abuse on the day I thought I did. I came to an understanding that it was not MY shame. I forgot about all of the evil people who will try to bring shame back. I understand now that one moment, one day, 3 days of shame don’t mean that I have failed in my recovery from abuse. It just means there are assholes that will try and bring it back to me. It is my job to deflect that. I felt a failure because I could not do it in that moment. But it isn’t every day that someone reminds you of your darkest moments and uses them against you. I suppose I was only being human. I needed someone to hold my hand through it and my word press friends did just that. Some things we cannot do alone and we shouldn’t have to.
Being human, today, I am outraged. I am outraged at every human being who uses abuse to feel power, to create separation, to hurt, to abandon, to abuse even further. This guy, knows secrets about me that no one knows. I could list them all here so that there will no longer ever be a secret out there that someone can hold over my head. I thought about doing that. But shouldn’t there be some things, so heinous, that they just aren’t worth repeating? I think I have shared enough of my secrets, enough to prove that they are not mine. They are what men did to me. Men did horrific things to my body. Do I need to list them so no one can hold them over my head? I thought so. But I’ve changed my mind. Everything that every man did to me was a result of years of abuse. It was a result. Anyone who chooses to hold that over my head is more than welcome to tell the world. But it won’t take away my power. It will just show that the person speaking of the things that happened to me is a heartless coward. This man who called me, all he had were past memories of my deepest pain. Him using those reflect on HIM. He did it in the worst way….in the name of love. Because I love you……. No one that loves you intentionally hurts you. No one uses love to preface pain. He also brought up memories of my mother who told me that even though she would no longer be in my life, she still loved me. That is NOT love. My family, this man, have no CLUE what love is.
I had a moment of weakness. I had a few days of weakness. That’s human. Cruelty hurts. I reacted like any normal person reacts to cruelty. Fortunately, with the help of many friends here on WordPress I was able to reframe what happened and rise above this person who tried to bring me down. He did try to make me feel small. I felt small. But he was the small one. By far one of the smallest. I mistook my extreme inner pain for weakness and smallness. But it is what it is, extreme pain at the spear thrown at my heart laced with memories I have tried to forget. What an absolute dick! This guy was a dick to do this to me. I see this now.
Recovery from abuse has been longer than expected because it didn’t really start until 2 years ago when I chose to break the silence. I could not even begin my recovery until I spoke of the secrets that that little town had tried so hard to cover up for 30 years. There will always be these little towns. There will always be corrupt small minded people. There will always be cowards who sltither around trying to gain their strength by breaking other’s wills. I know this now. My recovery is going to take a long time. I’m going to have set backs whether unintentional from some guys colonge causing triggers or whether it is an asshole who tries to use me as his personal punching bag.
Yesterday I cried out for help. I asked on facebook. I called friends. I was desperate. No one answered my call. But this blog….I started this blog to help others and last night, you helped me to not feel alone. I am eternally grateful. Thank you.
As for my secrets, I have exposed enough of them. If they want to shout out the rest from a rooftop, be my guest, because my secrets are not my shame, they were all done TO me at the hands of men (and one girl). But the town I grew up in..that little town of keystone.I will expose your secret. Your one big secret. Are you ready? You ALL let a little girl get molested and did nothing about it. YOU ARE ALL SHAMEFUL HUMAN BEINGS. Be ashamed. You may be hiding your secret from your friends, family, spouse, but I know it. I know all of you. You are choosing to carry to the grave with you your biggest secret which is YOU let a little girl go through this alone. Your biggest secrets are larger than anything any man ever did to me. What men did to me has nothing to do with my character. You, little town of keystone, and all its inhabitants who still chose to do nothing have rot in your souls. Throw your spears, gossip about me, call me, I’m ready for all of you fuckers now. I WILL overcome the shame of abuse which includes all the tiny contributors in that town. Even if it takes a lifetime, I will work through it one memory, one asshole at a time.