A glimpse into my mind of panic attacks

I open the front door. I smell that a cat has sprayed outside my daughter’s window. My brain does this: I must get rid of the smell. If I can’t then I can’t sit outside. If I can’t sit outside then I am trapped in the house. I have to be able to open the door for fresh air or I feel trapped. I can’t open the door because of the cat spray. I need to clean it. I start spraying a concoction that is supposed to remove the odor. My fingers go numb. My arms start to cramp. I have to keep spraying the next spray which is enzymes. I know that cat then typically sprays my car. I must go spray around my car to repel the cat. I need to then get the coffee because that repels the cat too. I need to sprinkle it around the car and the house. I am delirious. I must keep going. Must keep securing the perimeter so that nothing keeps me from being trapped in the house. Now I have stepped in the coffee. I cant get it off my feet. I hate the smell of coffee. I have to walk in through the house. The coffee smell is in the house. I can’t get rid of the coffee smell. Trapped in the house with the coffee smell. I must sweep. I need to get the coffee smell off. I sweep until I start to have back cramps. I cant stop sweeping. Where did i walk, i can’t remember. My arms are numb. My legs are starting to shake. They dont stand this long. Now i smell the enzymes seeping through the window in my daughter’s room. How can i block that. I can stuff toilet paper around the window. I fall onto the stool in her room. I barely make it into the shower. I need to scrub off all of the smells on me. I have to get them all off. Then my clothes, what if they smell. What if they then get the cat spray or cat spray remover in the washer or the dryer. Then what will I do. It will get on everything. I think I have the coffee smell on my feet even after I took a shower. I cant get it off. I start to scrub my feet with alcohol, and i notice my fingers are peeling from not wearing gloves to spray the concoction on the cat spray. I can’t breathe. I feel faint. I need to lay down but I need to check my clothes to see if the smell came out in the washer. Then i notice bits of coffee I stepped in. I need to sweep some more. I sweep. My abs cramp and I feel like I need to take another shower. I smell the smells of the cat and everything else in my nose. I hate smells. I cant get rid of them. They make me feel trapped and I can’t get them off. I’ve lost it. I can’t calm down. I lay in my bed and all that comes to my mind is what if the cat sprays again tonight, I won’t have the strength to even move tomorrow or the next 3 days. No one else can take care of it because they will not be as vigilant as I am to make sure I don’t get the cat spray or other things on myself. Only I can do it. What happens then when my leg nolonger works. Then who will take care of these things. What happens when my left leg is totally atrophied and I can’t cook . I am the only one who an cook because i know how to do it without burning things in the over because once you spill in the oven it always smokes. I hate smoke smell. I hate being trapped in the house with smoke smell, cooking smell. Oh crap I have to go to the dentist on thursday. It is tuesday night in the middle of the night and I am still awake. What if the cat comes back and my scooter has to get me to the dentist, i can’t drive my scooter over any smells because i wont be able to wipe off my scooter. What if i have a cavity. What if the dentist has that cologne that triggers me. Then I get that in my car and i can’t get it out of my car. Then i have to clean the car and i am too tired from cleaning the cat spray. What if my husband comes home smelling like cologne when he has to drive me to the dentist. How will i not throw up in the car smelling that. Then if he gets cologne on the seatbelt i need to make sure i wipe that off becasue if i try to drive again and i forgot then i will get it on me and that would be very bad. I don’t feel like myself. I don’t know who I am. I think I have dissociated but I am not sure. I feel numb. But I feel in agonizing pain becasue people with muscle diseases don’t do what I just did without serious consequences. My psychiatrist says there are no more meds she thinks she can try for my PTSD. I will email my regular doctor and find out if there is anything else out there. I try to type but my forearms are cramping. I have to just get this email off to my doctor so she knows that I don’t want her to give up on me. WHAT IF I ever have to  move out of this house one day(eventually I want a house with a pool to do rehab in which we cannot hav here), well, when we need work done on the inside of the house. Men will come. Chemicals used. How can I do normal things that need to be done when I am not normal. Now I am seriously depressed because I know that this will be an ongoing issue on top of all of the other things I am working through with trauma therapy. I feel completely overwhelmed when after therapy today I was feeling quite OM aka mellow, aka feeling this was all attainable. 

And that my friends is one hour in the brain of a full out anxiety attack. All because of a smell because smells are triggers and THAT is where my mind goes in the middle of that trigger. I wrote it all out to give a glimpse into what happens during a panic attack. This just happened. I have never shared what happens in my mind. It is all too manic and crazy up there so I thought while it was fresh I would share it. Maybe someone out in this big wide world can relate. 

8 thoughts on “A glimpse into my mind of panic attacks

    • THank you! I didn’t really have a comparison because people dont necessarily talk about what it really means to them and I thought I would just put this out there to see if it was relatable . I was sure I was not alone in where my irrational illogical mind goes and although i am working on it i know it will be a constant struggle. Thanks for understanding

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Anxiety eats at you without let up. The problems and what ifs cascade from one to the next sometimes only registering long enough to start up another one. Thoughts looping on thoughts, and memories jumping to more and more memories you can’t stop, can’t get away from, can’t stand in your head. I tell people I can’t stand the thoughts in my head. I wish you the best, even though sometimes best is pretty crappy. Hugs


    • Yep. 100% I wrote this out because i don;t find many people who are willing to really tell the truth about what happens and then that leaves other people thinking they are crazy. I know i am not crazy. I just have ptsd and anxiety and this happens. It is pretty awful to experience and completely irrational illogical and out of my control. I am in therapy, this is being addressed. But it going to be a constant struggle and i know that

      Liked by 1 person

      • I would liek to say it gets easier, but for me it seems the path is always up a mud slicked hill in a pouring rain, a little up, some back , a little more up… but I have yet to get dry ground or the top. You have my best wishes and greatest hopes. Hugs


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