Underlying darkness *trigger for animal lovers


This was an incredibly beautiful place. My daughter and I spent a few days a week here. A man created this sanctuary. He planted beautiful flowers and trees, created waterfalls, walkways, and picnic areas. We went to ride horses through his 100 acres and often brought our two dogs to play in this crystal clear water. It looks beautiful. You would think the man who created it was beautiful. Wouldn’t you? But creating beauty and being beautiful are two very different things.

This man had more regard for a rare plant than he did for his animals. The horror of what he considered insignificant and meaningless to his animals still haunt me. We spent 8 or so year out there. There were farms next door that we spent equal time at. We loved the turkey, the bunnies, the horses, and every other farm animal that was there. It was an environment I felt proud to have my daughter raised in. Until the ugliness showed. The ugliness of the people turned this place of beauty into a complete place of darkness.

He claimed his acts were just ignorant, senseless, careless. I disagreed. He fumigated his home with his animals inside it. I went into that home (maybe that’s where I got the exposure that caused chemical sensitivities) and grabbed each animal. I held my breath as long as I could as I ran in and grabbed the mother cat and each of her kittens. The last kitten was the hardest to find and I inhaled the most fumes. You know, I never even thought of the damage I could do to myself, even after as I, without gloves, bathed and gave cpr to those kittens. I took them to my “friend’s” house where I filled her tub and tried to save them. The mother made it. She was this beautiful fluffy himalyan. As I put her in the water I could see that he had been starving her. She was all fluff but nothing else. Her kittens, I really prayed would survive. Over the next week I tended to them daily, hand feeding them, trying to get them to nurse again. I held each of them as they died on my chest. I buried them together.

After that I told my “friend” I would never ever step foot there again. I did. She begged me to go out and convince him to take his dog to the vet. She said he would listen to me. He allowed his dogs to ride on the top of his truck, drove them down the highway, where they fell off and one broke a hip and the other his head. I drove out and begged him to take the dog in to get surgery. I begged him to let me take the one in with the damaged head myself. He let me. My friend and I loaded him in the car. The vet said the damage was too severe. He was now having seizures and blind. When we returned the dog, something that also haunts me as I wish I had somehow convinced him to let me take him, he promised to keep the dog in the fence. He didn’t. The dog fell into the quarry and died shortly after. His other dog, he agreed to get the hip surgery which was $5000. A drop in the bucket for a man who flew in wood from another country to make a dresser.

My “friend” pled his case. Look at the beauty he creates she would tell me. It was an accident she would tell me. No. It was abuse. It was torture. It was neglect. If you know me at all, you know that these incidents damaged my heart to this day. If a tree frog gets into my house and somehow dies, I cry. If a moth is caught in a web, I cry. My final thoughts on these animals were that I could give them love in their dying days. I never went back after that, ofcourse. I was still friends with his friend. She and I had been friends for 8 years. I tried to overlook her indifference and excuses to this horrific heartless man. She was all about animal rights. Her life was animal rights. We rehabbed more animals than I can count. My daughter helped stuff worms down little bird’s mouths. We hand syringe fed baby animals, glued back together broken tortoise shells, and much more. My friend did beautiful things. But she was not so beautiful either. When her husband attacked me later that year, and admitted it to her, she blamed me. She made excuses for him. She made excuses for men who did criminal acts. There is no beauty in that. Our friendship ended long after it should have. That time in my life was seemingly surrounded by such beauty. But in truth it was beauty surface level with a deep deep seeded ugliness.

I find beauty the heart, way below the surface of what can be seen. I find beauty in how a person loves. I find beauty in how a person shows compassion and empathy and understanding. I find beauty in a person’s choice to take the hard road that is the character building road. That man created a beautiful space but his heart was black. I would much rather experience a beautiful space where I can breathe deeply and feel the love all around me. Like here :


I breathed in the salt air as I watched my beautiful child in the water of the ocean and felt true beauty.

These pictures below I FELT the beauty. The beauty in the strength of the bird, the embrace of my husband, the color of the flower I planted when I had the strength to plant, The beauty of watching a bird fly in the sky, the beauty of carrying a child inside of me and nursing her. I felt the beauty of the earth and sky as I stood on the beach. These pictures symbolize what I find beautiful. God’s beautiful creations, and the love that surrounds them.

16 thoughts on “Underlying darkness *trigger for animal lovers

    • It WAS a terribly story. Just awful. I had to come full circle though on the things other people find beauty in and what I find beauty in. I hate masks. I have people that use beauty masks to mask their inner ugly whether it is a house full of pretty things or a pretty bridge they create in their back yard. It seems so deceptive. Inner ugliness should somehow be shown in a way to warn us. I guess I fell for the “oooh that’s so pretty” trap myself. But I learned, and I left. Other people just close their eyes and pretend. I don’t like pretenders to the ugliness anymore.

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      • Wow so with you on that. I’ve noticed that the ppl with the prettiest masks are often the worstest (lol kid word) Personally when you walk in my house you see me…the real me. I stopped trying to hide it yrs ago so my home is always a lil messy (not dirty I’m a germaphobe). Everything is half done including the decor bc you’re right…I’m not a liar and don’t appreciate those who are. Lol there should be a sign outside tho you’re right…”Warning: Wackadoo Zone Ahead” haha :p

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      • Dang it! I need this sign on my front door. By entering you accept the wackadoodle rules that may apply. I didn’t know you were a germophobe. Cool! I fucking hate germs. Like you better wash your hands when you come in. If i could slip a mask on you and put gloves on you i would. In my mind i do that!!! And don’t get me started on snot. If you have a slight sniffle stay away. Snot repulsed me. When i used to work in the nursing home i could handle every wound. Just glove up then alcohol myhands. But no snot.

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      • Omg yeah my thing is puke…if you even know a guy who knows a guy with that bug you can fk right off til next yr…if you’re clean if not nice knowin ya lol. Ugh I dread every fall when kids go back to school and come home with all kinds of ick. First thing they do is use the hand sanitizer and then take their vitamins. I’d love to make EVERYone else do the same hahaha I’ve honestly considered the surgical mask thing if I go to Walmart during flu season! They can laugh til they get sick then they’ll remember us and our crazy masks hehe. I got over snot after babies lol it seems rather harmless tho some…lol Omg how the hell did you work in a nursing home?!

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      • My daughter would bring home the germs, stay well , yet share them with me. I have sanitizer at the front door and I actually have people stick out there hands before they walk in the house.
        For all the doctor apts i have been to I have SEEN people never wash their hands. I just think. Ugh where have your hands been? After people leave i alcohol wipe the toilet. Am i insane. Maybe. If we go to a restaurant i want everyone to shower when they get home. Some people go to a movie and dinnner and come home and get in bed! Ahhh if i could be like that i really would. Im sure life would be easier!!!
        I was a volunteer chaplain. My job was supposed to be sitting with them and connecting and listening. But no one had help with anything. So i helped them to the bathroom, I helped feed them. I helped with dressing them. I just did whatever they needed to make their end of life have dignity. But when i came home, i took my clothes off at the front door, put them in the washer and bathed for a long time!!! Certain things didn’t bother me. Like i would help with wound care, even though i wasn’t supposed to but if a doctor asked me to ofcourse i helped. That didn’t bother me. But if someone had the snot drip. No way. I was done!

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      • Hmm…well if you’re crazy at least you’re not alone! I feel a lot of those things but never really let myself indulge…it’s too much to dress and wash all these ppl/animals AND the house AND me…sigh. But I will change my shirt before dinner bc I feel like the dirt of the day will get on my food…grosso. I spent hrs last night on the Walmart site looking at steam cleaners and Lysol…so yeah. I’m crazy too lol. But we’re sanitary! Win imo. Xoxo

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      • I was on a walk the other day and this guy is holding his baby’s hand who can only walk while she is holding his hands, I see the snot, i see them headed for me. I say, “oh is she sick” he says, yeah she’s been home with hand foot mouth virus. I don’t know what the F that is but it sounds like something that got way to close to me and I about ran everyone down with my scooter and zipped away as if they had measles. Like come on people. If your kid is sick, don’t intentionally walk them toward me to say hello!!!

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      • lol! Aw poor kiddo but yeah wtf is THAT about?! And say what disease?? Yeesh I’d have done the same…send flowers later maybe but hell yes if you’re sick pls stay the fk home! Xoxo

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      • I just looked it up! It said :
        The most common cause of hand-foot-and-mouth disease is infection with the coxsackievirus A16. The coxsackievirus belongs to a group of viruses called nonpolio enteroviruses. Other types of enteroviruses sometimes cause hand-foot-and-mouth disease.

        So yeah. Keep your baby away, hope she gets better, but I don’t want that!

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      • Actually…that sounds like an animal disease I read about a few months ago. Was a huge outbreak in sheep in the Netherlands…I hope it’s not that eep! Are they animal ppl?

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