Writing and revelations

As I was typing last night I had recounted memories. They come to me, memories, vividly when I start to write. I have forgotten or blocked out many things. But there are many things I remember well. I typed about how I went into a house to save a cat and her kittens as a flea pesticide was spraying in the air. I thought about this last night and today. It was around that same time that I was attacked. It was around that same time I started having seizures. It was also in that same time frame I lost the ability to drive and was subsequently diagnosed with a muscle disease. Most Doctors call me a mystery. Medications don’t work or I can’t tolerate them. They don’t know why I then developed Multiple Chemical Sensitivities. I also started having more vivid flashbacks, nightmares, and PTSD and panic episodes which have now completely snowballed. I was only recently diagnosed with PTSD but my therapist said I had signs from a young girl. Having a combination of Multiple Chemical Sensitivities, PTSD, panic attacks, flashbacks, and seizures is complicated. Because with the chemical sensitivities I can throw up, start to wheeze, get a rash, but chemicals can also trigger PTSD. Seizures, small ones, makes me feel tightness in my chest, nausea, and out of sorts. They are just all so similar in symptoms that I don’t always know which is which. Sometimes one can trigger another. It is a whirlwind of a mess. I don’t like being labeled or told I am a mystery by doctors. I am not a mystery. There are reasons why I am the way that I am. Some may be genetic. Some are definitely from trauma. But there is no mystery. No one has ever asked me if I was exposed to chemicals. Had they, I would have remembered the kittens. It was not blocked from my memory. I just didn’t see the correlation until I started writing about it. Maybe the chemical exposure triggered everything. My immune system was already low due to Lyme disease. May have just been the perfect storm. I now wonder. But what can be done about this new revelation? I have no idea! But I always like to be able to sort out the “why” of things and bring understanding to what I would call a complex health problem, not a mysterious one.  Writing always leads me somewhere. It opens a door, gives clarity, sends me down a new path. I wonder. Where does writing take you?

19 thoughts on “Writing and revelations

  1. I want to say so much to you, talk to you..but I really don’t know how to start..and how will you react to all this.. now that you know that you are not a mystery, then why don’t you try to solve it.. heal yourself.. I don’t know.. really.. I sometime feel like a mess too.. šŸ˜¦

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    • I would not know where to begin. How does one heal from a chemical poisoning that caused seizures and chemical sensitivities. I am detoxing with herbs and clay as I have been for years. But I would have no idea where to begin. As for the PTSD things they are being worked through as best I can. Since this revelation just happened, I havent had time to think on how to fix it.

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      • PTSD does not allow you to forget it. You can forgive, let it go, pray about it. But true PTSD does not let you forget. That is the problem. And that is why I am in therapy and we are kind of trying to rewire my brain. I have been through years of abuse. It is nolonger about the abuser. Forgiving or not makes no difference. I don’t consciously think of them. If you speak to other abused women it will be helpful to understand and imperative to understand that it is not a simple task. If it were none of us would be walking around with triggering panic episodes of PTSD. The brain does its own thing as a coping mechanism. I forgave many long ago. Doesn’t matter. The brain remembers, the tissues, the body, the muscles, the mind remembers. It is a long process that i will go through with my therapist as i am able to try to reinvent things that are good instead of bad. Until then i will write about them, express them, as a way to release them and nolonger be silenced as I have been my whole life.
        Please dont feel you have to read it or comment if my path is upsetting to you or you feel like you need to fix me. I always appreciate positive input but i don’t want my story or my path to upset you. So just make sure it’s not because your self are is important.

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    • You haven’t hurt or offended me. I hear your frustration over my situation and I think that maybe you think I have not tried every possible way. I have but life is every turning and evolving and we learn new ways and get new ideas every day. I’ve tried acupuncture, Chinese herbs, Reiki, energy work, chiropractic, holistic medicine with a holistic doctor, hands on prayer, prayer, journaling, physical therapy, psychotherapy, I mean, I have not given up. I have sought help in England, Canada, and other places with other people who have medical knowledge and expertise in holistic practices. I have made my own herbs, tinctures, I have listened to my own instinct. I have tried. I still try. There is no offense. There are just ideas and thoughts and guidance.I’ve been led by Native American Indians, I have been led by a catholic priest, I have been spoken to by a Rabbi. I have sought. I have sought within myself. I have done hypnosis. How to heal myself….I guess that would be the mystery then wouldn’t it.

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  2. Hello! I have only read a small part of what you are going through but I recognize many symptoms of Conversion Disorder or Somatoform Disorders. There are many different forms and variations, it’s also difficult to diagnose. Seizures are common in people with specific variations of both. Symptoms can range from tremors, stuttering, seizures, paralysis, loss of sight, etc. I have Conversion Disorder and it’s still something that is considered rare. Doctors have a tendency to diagnose patients with it when they can’t find an answer. Finding the right Doctors is crucial. Continue writing it helps immensely. Reading other people’s experiences helps too. Good luck.

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    • I look forward to reading your blog and i really appreciate you taking the time to comment and read mine. I saw a psychiatrist who thought my main problem was PTSD but my neurologist, many neurologists stay baffled with the seizures. Thanks again.

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  3. When I was having ‘you-are-there’ flashbacks, I often couldn’t tell what was past and what was present. With M.S. I can’t always tell what is an M.S. symptom and what is one of a host of other things. I am allergic to a great swath of creation. Now since I had the ‘neurological event’ I have new problems, or are they old problems? that may be M.S. or have some other neurological cause that the dr.s and I don’t know. It’s fun (sarcasm) isn’t it when the body doesn’t follow the known paths. I do think being a survivor has a lot of effect on the other effects. I can’t write anymore, but I get the same result from talking to someone who isn’t judgmental. I call it ‘saying what I need to hear.’ I just need to listen to what comes out of my mouth.

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