The sun.

When my daughter was in elementary school, and I could still drive, I would occasionally check her out of school mid day. When asked on the checkout form “reason” I would always write “appointment”. The first time she was called out of school for her “appointment” she looked at me dumbfounded and said, “What appointment do I have?” She was only 7 so I told her I would tell her on the way to the car. We’d get outside and I would say, “You have an appointment toooooooo……ride horses!!!!!” Every time after that, if I ever randomly checked her out of school without letting her know that morning, she knew we were going on an adventure. I LOVED that! She LOVED that. Maybe every other month I would do this. An hour before school got out, I would check her out, and we would go everywhere, park, national park, museum, to ride horses, once to a primate sanctuary, once to a place where they let you make your own butter. Most often times we went to my friend’s farm and either fed, pet, or rode horses. She still, at age 20, laughs about how she had appointments to ride horses! We used to roll the windows down, put in our Rascal Flatts CD and sing very loudly at the red lights to entertain the other drivers. 

This week marks the 3rd year my daughter has been ill. Yesterday I drove to the CVS that is 5 miles down the road. I have ventured out a few times in the last 3 months after not driving for 11 years, mostly to get my daughter out of the house as we just drive around the neighborhood with the windows down. After my muscle disease diagnosis I knew that while I could drive, it caused extreme pain, and hindered my ability to then take care of my family. It seems more important to suck up the pain, and get us out of the house, as of late, because the benefits way outweighs the pain.  Yesterday, though, I drove to the CVS by myself. It was the middle of the day and I was so run down by the monotony of these last few years that I thought a drive to pick up something would snap me out of it. It is the first time I have driven alone in 11 years. I got to the CVS, with my windows down, and Rascal Flatts started playing on the radio. 


I silently started to sob. I marveled at the fact that I could violently sob, body shaking all over, tears gushing, and make no audible sound. I sat there and cried for a very long time. I listened to Rascal Flatts and thought about how carefree we were, my daughter and I. Now I just sat in my car and cried. When I lifted my head, I rested it back on the seat. I watched people walking past and into the CVS as I cried there. I wished for a hand to reach in the window and pat me on the shoulder by any passerby. I wished I were noticed. I wished someone could know how much my heart was hurting. My legs felt weak from crying. I felt exhausted. I wondered how I would actually go into the CVS and get something. I couldn’t very well tell my daughter that I went there, had a cry breakdown, and drove home without the items I told her I’d get. I don’t pretend stoic all the time, but yesterday was not the day for her to deal with me as well as what she was going through. I felt all mush in my muscles and wondered how on earth I would go home and be able to now take care of her for the rest of the day. But, I stepped out of my car. The sun hit my face. Car after car after car drove by me and I just stood there with the sun heating up my face. I went in, was amazed at how many items a CVS has! It is the only store I can park right in front of and actually walk in without my scooter. They had a little bit of everything! I got some detergent just because I could! 

When I walked back outside the sun was still beating down and I just stood at the front of my car, closed my eyes and faced the sun. I stood as long as my legs could stand. The sun, if you let it soak in, can really recharge your will. I made the drive home with my windows down, and sang Rascal Flatts all by myself. 

20 thoughts on “The sun.

  1. Life can be so awful. I admire you so much for giving words to pain as it is not easy to feel that pain let alone share it and help others with your story. I wish so many good things for you – knowing that life doesn’t always work that way I still wish them for you because you are a good person and you inspire me. I wish you songs and sun on your face my friend.

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  2. Hmmmm….wondering if some of those early checkouts were during our time together. And now, having my own babies, you’ve inspired me to check them out once in awhile and have fun because you never know what tomorrow brings. You’re both in my thoughts a lot xox

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    • LOL!!! Damnit I am totally busted!!!!! They did begin in the 2nd grade! I didn’t want all checkouts to be doctor appointments! 3rd grade took the cake on early checkouts though. Then when I stopped being able to drive, early checkouts ended. But isn’t it so worth it! Just to realize that sometimes nothing is more important than making that one special moment with your child. Even if you do it just once!

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  3. Beautifully expressed… so… well written. Explosive in a way. Yes, the sun’s energy is a great recharger and healer, I know, I’m a sun worshiper and I haven’t done doctors or meds in over 40 years. So take advantage of all the sun you can get.

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    • Thank you for your comment. I believe nature, the sun, animals, everything around us (other than most human beings) can be great healers. I love the feel of the sun on my face. Although, the right person can also give quite the healing. I trust more in nature than I do from most of humanity. HOpefully that doesnt sound too negative. Most days I would rather spend my time watching the birds fly than taking a chance on time with a person who may or may not leave me feeling less of what I was when nature always builds me.

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      • Nothing to me is ever “too negative” as I look at the world without the mandatory rose coloured glasses. The problem with most “Earthians” (pseudo-human beings as my teachers refer to them or us) is that they are energy sucks and they fail to recognize it in themselves. They suck energy from their environment, but mostly from those they are close to, and of course this poisons them as they also suck energy from their entire artificially constructed civilization. Few of them know how to channel natural energy into others, hence the need for pharmaceutical drugs and out-of-control medical establishments and their “procedures.” Ah well, enjoy the sun, the wind, the sound of if through branches or leaves in summer, the beauty of ripples on water if that is available to you and of course from whatever animals you can be close to, touch, pet or just look at. Animals are great healers.

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      • Throughout my blog are the animals that visit, raccoons, coyote, owls, wrens, a little bit of everything comes to our yard. I love it here and sit outside most days and just …..be calm. It is my only calm. Other than going to the ocean. That is my second calm. The third calm would be laying on my husbands chest. He has a gift of calm. Yes, humans can be suckers. I learned about Reiki and energy long ago but since I was a little girl always loved the power of nature

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  4. i, get your very good blog . i,was abused as a child.different adults took
    turns on me for 6 years .as a result I HAVE M.E. BLADDER AND BOWEL
    PROBLEMS …i,am Alive .if you would like to reply please do .like a chat
    part my story is in a book by .TRACY BLACK ..COPING MEDNANISMS
    mite spelt that wrong.look at AMAZON

    mark

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    • I was reading the book that you have on your website, I am curious when and how you were diagnosed wth M.E.
      living with chronic pain can be so very very hard. I do with the muscle disease that I have.

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      • i ,was diagnosed with m.e. about 9 years ago .this was in Peterbourgh.Cambridgeshire..ware they have a m.e. clinic .i have written
        a second book .NOT,ON MY BLOG YET .this is about ALLERGIES..M.E ,
        Asperger.Sensory problems .was sorry about sexual abuse happened too
        YOU,should NOT happen.
        when i was diagnosed the speacalist asked me had i been bullied YES
        had i been Abused .YES .said this is why I HAVE M.E.will stop here i
        am in floods tears and Snot down my face .YOU .have NOT upset me

        mark

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      • I also have multiple health issues. They thought I had chronic fatigue syndrome but it is actually a muscle disease after they did a biopsy of my muscle. But I have bladder spasm issues and Lyme disease from a tick bite and I also have multiple chemical sensitivities which means I am basically allergic to the world. It can be extremely overwhelming. I also have a mild form of Tourette syndrome so I get anxiety and and overwhelmed easily. I understand very much how overwhelming all of these can be and especially if they are made worse from flashbacks or PTSD from a sex abuser, something that you or I could not help. It is very very horrid that anyone would hurt a child and then that child would then grow up to have after affects. My heart goes out to you. I know how diffficult it can be.

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      • if/when you read this book.my story.THIS IS THE VERY FIRST TIME I
        SPOKE ABOUT IT ,IN ANY DETAIL AT ALL..i, was abused by MEN AND
        LADIES..i,very very much feel YOUR PAIN .my Allergies are HIGH.my
        Anxietys are HIGH.Because i have Asperger Syndrome i have NO body too
        taLK too .PEOPLE do NOT understand Aspergers .i,Wet and Shit myself 7
        days a week .DAMAGE from the sexual abuse .PEOPLE..LAUGH CALL ME
        PISS POT/SHIT FACE .how would they cope/deal with it 7 days a week .MOST DATS i sit down have a GOOD CRY.THIS HELPS SO MUCH…what
        helps YOU .how do YOU cope/deal with it .
        mark

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  5. I too think I trust animals more than people. Well more than some people. Oh, the inexplicable loyalty I receive from the three dogs lying behind my desk chair as I type and the black cat that mews at me as if I understand. I mew back. I’m sorry you are having so many problems. I just returned from a women’s retreat in the mountains where I huff and puff and force weak muscles to get up the hill from my parking space below. The lady leading the retreat was a walking miracle and made me sit back and listen to how she carries on after having both hands and one leg amputated. The remaining foot has no toes and only half a heel after amputations there too. She has an artificial leg and foot and after much fighting with insurance, she now has two prosthetic hands. I watcher her struggle to hold her water bottle and put it between her knees only to have it squish and squirt all over her skirt and chair. She made a joke about it. She struggled with her papers and notes and then told us how much better her life is now than before the hands when she had hooks. This woman had five children ages four to ten I think she said. She talked about being in the hospital after the amputations in excruciating pain and no ability to even push a nurse call button. No way to use her cell phone or get out of bed, watch TV, turn pages of a book. I’ve come home in awe of this woman who now travels far and wide to meet with folks through their amputation process and initial recovery. She’s made it her mission. I have many health issues also but after this weekend, I don’t really want to talk about me. She started her journey with the flu and strep throat which took her into a coma and having her organs shut down from sepsis. Then in septic shock, her body and the meds they put her own helped the organs but in the meantime, pulled circulation from her hands and feet, essentially killing them to keep her alive. They turned black and hurt terribly. She was ready to have them removed by the time surgery came around. I hope this is not depressing to you or any other readers. I found it inspirational and hopeful. She says Jesus held her in his arm when she was all alone and in such pain in the night. She feels she survived for a purpose. To inspire and help others. I hope you have a miracle and feel so much better. I know you’re helping people with your blog. Thanks for your honesty.

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