When I was a little girl, 8years old, I knew God. I sat out in the middle of our 5 acres of woods and I talked to Him. When my grandfather, who lived across the lake from us, passed away, I felt God was with him, and me. I can’t explain to you what He felt like to me but it was like this swirling funnel of wind that surrounded me. The funnel would get bigger and bigger and embrace the earth and the sky and as I sat right in the middle of it all, I felt like somebody. I felt like me. In knowing Him I knew myself. I felt connected to everything. Everything encorporated in that big expanse that surrounded me, had a little bit of God in it. When I touched a toad, or a firefly, or a dragon fly or an earth worm, I felt God.
I lost God, like most children do, soon after I was 8. I could blame the abuse but that wasn’t it. I just got wrapped up in the chaos of the world. The quickly moving parts and people that swoop you up into its turbulence. The chaos continued and I moved further and further away from God. I moved away from the big expanse and the little creatures that reminded me of Him. I got stuck in the concrete of society that is stagnant and preoccupied. I drifted and floated but not as a leaf flies eloquently and gingerly in the wind. I drifted and floated not eloquently at all but like rocks falling down a mountain side. I tumbled and crashed and fell not knowing which direction I would go or what I would hit on the way. I was more like a leaf that fell into the river rapids, getting sucked under over and over and over again.
When I was 23 years old I found God again. It did not happen in a profound way. It was not in a church or a place deemed for God. It was outside. Under the sky where I found Him in the first place. I went out under the stars and I just asked for Him. And there He was. He had been there all along I had just forgotten Him. I felt the big expanse of the sky under the stars and I felt the wet grass under my feet and I felt connected again. I felt like me. I felt like somebody because I felt loved by something so much bigger than what daily chaos can bring.
For me I just know. I don’t question why things happen. I don’t blame Him. I don’t question Him. I can just feel Him in everything around me. When I look out over the ocean and I take a huge breath of the salt air I feel the freedom of knowing. When I watch baby birds, or the little tree frogs jump on me, or a lizard passes me by, I feel little bits of Him everywhere.
I know that for most, life is fast paced, rush rush, hurry to check off a list and finish a day. They talk to God at night or at their place of worship once a week. They read His word in their book of choosing and search for HIs meaning and His plan, His lessons, and His purpose. Each person has their own path and no path is wrong if it is rooted in the goodness of love and light.
I don’t seek God. I don’t need to. He is with me all the time. I can just reach out my hand it will be held. I can ask for a shoulder and it will be provided. I just know. I can feel it all the time. So if you see me watching a bird or the waves in silence and stare it is not because I am thinking or pondering life. I am observing and feeling the great expanse of God in all things around me. I am remembering the most powerful feeling in the most simple experiences just like I did as a child. It is a knowing, that I will never forget again. I was lost, but thankfully I was finally found, and all I had to do was choose to be. He was right there.