Choose the child.

Your child tells you she has been abused. Choose your child.

Your child tells you that her father is abusing her. Choose your child.

You get divorced. Your child doesn’t want you to marry the new man. Your child doesn’t feel comfortable with him. Choose your child. 

Your spouse passes away and you want to date a man your child doesn’t feel comfortable with. Choose your child. 

Your husband abuses someone else’s child. Choose the child. 

Your husband beats your child. Choose your child. 

Your wife is an addict who exposes your child to unsafe conditions. Choose your child. 

You have a choice to let your new partner move in but your teenager will lose his room. Choose your teenager. 

You are considering remarrying and your teenager asks you not to because he doens’t want to “lose”another parent.  Choose your teenager. 

You want to go out with your buddies drinking but that means missing your kid’s baseball game. Choose your child. 

You have the rest of your life to satisfy your own personal needs. There is balance. You can remarry one day. I have heard, “But don’t I deserve to be happy?” Let me tell you this. If it takes you putting another person above your child, or if it takes another person to make you happy, then the answer is no. You don’t deserve to be happy under those parameters. Learn to be happy with what you have already chosen. Your child. Learn for that to be enough. Your CHILD deserves to feel like you CHOSE them. They are only children for a short time. Children DESERVE to be chosen! They deserve to feel they matter.

Do you know what it takes to choose the child? Tell them. I choose you. You are more important than anything else in my life. You come first. Talk to your child. Find out why they feel they feel. Find out what they need and what would make them comfortable. 

I have seen time and time again these scenarios. I’ve watched a child molester’s wife stay. I’ve watched a mother remarry a  man her child did not even like. I’ve seen a teenager choose to be homeless instead of staying in a home where he didn’t feel like he mattered. I have slept in my car because my mother’s new boyfriend took over my room. I moved in with my boyfriend because my parents did not choose me. They chose their new wives and husband’s and their new lives. I know how it feels to be discarded. I know how it feels to not be chosen. Then to only be acknowledged when it is convenient for them. 

Just ask. Ask your child. Ask your teenager. Really. You can find a new sleeping buddy later in life but your child cannot have that love replaced that you’ve chosen to give to another. And that is what happens. That love goes to the newbie and the child gets left behind. I am married. My husband and I constantly make sure that our child feels she matters. 

I am not speaking for every single scenario on earth here. Some children will tell you their step mother or step father coming into their lives saved them. I’m speaking from my own experiences where that was not so. It gets old very quickly not being chosen. Just please, choose your child. It will matter. 

My husband and I just watched the movie Manchester by the Sea. It was incredibly upsetting to me. I won’t give any movie spoilers. The movie got tons of awards. And I don’t quite understand why. I can sum the movie up in one sentence….Life can really suck and we can experience terrible tragedies, but that does not excuse making a choice OTHER than a child. Maybe this movie was so well loved because it was real. Maybe it was so real that it upset me because I am real. Maybe everyone else loves it so much because they found it profound in its real-ness because they themselves have no clue how to be real. There was nothing profound about this movie. It just happened to depict real life people and their experiences with loss. I feel like I could see my own family watching this movie in the theater shaking their heads at the choices people made because they have no idea they did the same thing! Im not judging other people’s reaction to this movie. I am just picturing my own family living in their pretend worlds and thinking if they watched it with me how different our responses would be. They would think…how tragic…not realizing their own daughter experienced deep tragedies that they won’t even acknowledge. 

This movie gave me great anger and great sadness. Because it brought up emotions of not being chosen. Not mattering. I’m sorry my mom and dad didn’t work out but they should have still chosen me. I’m sorry that my parents couldn’t handle the details of my abuse, but they still should have chosen me. 

I live in a small town. People are still choosing sides. 30 something years after the abuse and people are still choosing sides. For money. For clout. For pride. For their profession. They are still choosing. 

I got molested. I told. The town chose the molester. I got molested. I told my family. They chose themselves. The trickle down affect of their choices in this small town do not go unnoticed. And anyone who thinks this was soo long ago just move on….This town doesn’t let you do that. If it weren’t for PTSD, I would not be able to forget here. 

I did nothing wrong. I got molested. I chose to tell the truth. 

And I did not get chosen. 

This is no pity party. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I know I deserved better and still do. This is about all of the other children out there that need to be chosen. Please, choose your child. Please, please, just  choose your child. 

16 thoughts on “Choose the child.

  1. BRAVO, Bethany. Thank you.

    May I add another thought?

    I chose to make my child.
    That is on me.
    I must choose my child.

    Bethany – I have now lived through being the child and being the parent. Thank you for your post. TS

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Very powerful post Bethany, reblogging this on my blog. It’s amazing how many times we as parents chose others above our children. I needed this reminder before my kids grow older. Some precious information here thanks for writing this.❤👌

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Choose the child- Reblog👌 – Shereena Badu

  4. I couldn’t finish this without bawling my eyes out. I’ve said, even at a young agae, that the kids should come first. Now that I am no longer in a relationship, I feel I should stay single until my youngest is grown. I can’t see my self giving a man my attention while my kids are growing and learning everyday. I was told I “need” a husband. My reply was “I NEED MY KIDS!” You are so strong. It sometimes only needs one person to speak up in order to make a difference. You are amazing!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Love this. It hits me hard. Growing up, I was never chosen first. And the scars are still here. The gift? I choose my children and I choose myself when I am falling… as my parents should have when I was a child. Thank you for such a thought provoking post ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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