Cutting holes in the superficial bullshit of life sometimes has to be a physical act. My mother hung these curtains for me years ago. Everything about my mother was for what other people think, what other people see, other people. When we used to go out she used to tell me “You need to put on make up, you could see the man of your dreams out!” Well I am already married to the man of my dreams. What she really meant was ” When people see ME I want them to see YOU in your make up.” My clothes were always a topic when we went out. My hair was always a topic when we went out. My make up was ALWAYS a topic when we went out. When she came over to my house, I needed a rug, I always needed a fucking rug. Apparently an area rug “MAKES” a room. I told her. “We have no carpet for a reason. We have dogs. I cannot push a vacuum with my muscle disease, therefore I cannot clean the rug.” Didn’t matter. All that mattered was that rug. We then needed curtains. That window just looked bare. That wall looked bare. So she put up curtains. I initially liked the curtains because they were made out of the same fabric as her curtains so we matched. Just like she bought me a matching chair to hers that I liked. When I got pregnant before I was married. THAT HAD TO BE A SECRET. SHAME SHAME. I was bullied into hiding my pregnancy. Something I was THRILLED about. I never thought I could get pregnant due to 3 endometriosis surgeries. I was with the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and have spent the last 21 years with. At the time, I just hadn’t gotten married yet. That isn’t the point. The point is what others thought mattered more than what I thought. Which is why my brother was allowed to waterski with the monster who molested me as a child. Because heaven forbid anything see anything but the perfect family. Well guess what the curtains in the world cannot cover up the lies and shame this family has perpetuated.
So, I cut those fuckers down and enjoyed ever single moment. And it wasn’t an “oh no Bethany has lost it” moment. ” oh no Bethany is crazy” moment. Let us be perfectly clear. This was a “I AM RECLAIMING MY LIFE” moment. One that accepts my husband telling me I am gorgeous without make up and me actually believing him. One that accepts me going out to dinner with my friends and wearing sweat pants because that is the only way I can lift my legs, and them being okay with that. One that accepts me for me, all of me. Not my falling out hair, not my lack of make up. But ME.
This moment was an outward gesture of what my heart has always felt, I just nolonger am being bullied by a superficial selfish person who only cares about the “visual” and not what is underneath.
Yes, my mother took me to dinner, she took me to appointments, she made me a meal once a week. But at what price? Do I miss having a personal driver that abided by my wishes to never wear fragrance? Absolutely. Do I realize the conditions that came along with it and how much it hurt me? Absolutely.
I left the curtains hanging all cut up right there one the wall. Because everytime I pass them, I laugh. I laugh at what I did. It makes me smile that I am taking care of me. I am destroying illusions. I am putting holes in what that curtain symbolized. And I laugh at the fact that I am at a place in my life, where I can cut up my curtains and be totally ok with it!!!
My daughter thought it was pretty darn funny too. Life lesson for her: If you have someone in your life that is more concerned about putting up a curtain than listening to the troubles of your heart, it is time to tell them goodbye.
Do you know what the first thing I noticed after I cut the curtains down?
The light shined in!