I took a wheelchair drive today. I still must admit that making a grand exit is not nearly as impactful if you can’t give the door a good slam, or when you aren’t speeding off in a car. Zipping down your wheelchair ramp…yeah it just loses some of that anger flare statement. I wasn’t mad at anyone that I could directly put my finger on, I just had inner rage. I left the house and went around the block. That is my “God Talking” time. He and I have SERIOUS heart to hearts when I go for my wheelchair drives. This has always been. When I could drive the car I never had God conversations. When I went with the dogs in the wheelchair they got used to my conversation. It was also convenient when a jogger passed by because they thought I was talking to the dogs. Now I just straight up say, “I’m not talking to myself, God and I are having a chat.” I commonly get a hmm, if anyone acknowledges me in the first place. I’m sure as they come up behind me they contemplate keeping those headphones in or saying something to this woman whose mouth is moving to no one. Usually by the half block most of whatever has bothered me has lessened to a simmer. When I reach one house in particular and I haven’t gotten my red face down to a pink, I know I need to round the second block. If my voice level to God could stilll be heard in someone’s house if their windows are open, I need to keep going. If I am 3 houses away and STILL know I cannot re-enter my house feeling like the me I know I am, then I just sit. Much to my husband’s dismay I will sit on the side of the road where the sun will hit my face. I close my eyes and let the sun soak into my skin (he is obviously worried one day a car will fly by and hit me). Today it took some extra sun time. I never actually wonder what car drivers that do pass me must think. I am at the end of the block and cars rarely pass anyway. Now I wonder, as I write this, because I can picture myself sitting in my chair, eyes closed, facing the sun. Eh, I don’t care what other people think.
I know I feel okay when I start noticing the things I notice when I am calm. Today it was this:
I was right next to my driveway and I stopped to look at how the fresh green leaves looked bright and soft whereas the ones that hadn’t fallen looked dry and crunchy. You can barely see my mailbox on the right side of the road because we have let jasmine grow into this huge mound.
Then I looked to my right to see if the fox was in her normal spot in the common area acre next to our house. She wasn’t there but I saw this cocoon. It’s as big as someone’s head would be, maybe bigger. It is there in the same tree every year at this time. Way up in the tree! Once I had a panic and started screaming for my husband to save the squirrel who was “caught in a web”. My husband, being always the good sport in regards to my creature in need distress, inspected and informed me that it was a cocoon of some sort and no squirrel was there.:
I know if I am taking pictures then I have reached a manageable me. Our house looked liked its own cocoon. I was sitting there on the side of the road and it looked like our house was in it’s own protective bubble of trees and greenery:
I pulled into the driveway and saw on the left side of the fence, my wisteria was blooming. And to my right, the gardenia my husband bought me for my birthday had three open flowers!!!! They smelled heavenly!
I got to my wheelchair ramp and realized I was happy I couldn’t speed off in a car or slam the door when I was in a fuss. It was best I took a wheelchair drive. I slowly drove up it and as usual felt calmed by my “God talk” and nature.
I also rescued a moth who had flown in the night before making my daughter and I scream as if it were FOR SURE a bat. In the daylight it did not look nearly as scary. I put him on my finger and I could feel his body vibrating through his wings into my finger. It was a really amazing feeling:
I wish that I always had the capability to calm myself down. I wish I could give myself 30 minutes and just talk it out, redirect, distract, appreciate beauty. It doesn’t always work. Most of the time it does, epecially during daylight hours. During the darkness of the night the simmer starts to build and boil and I can feel things starting to churn up again. I wrote this blog to hold off on something that I know is brewing by trying to focus on the good as long as I possibly can.
For now I’m listening to some of my favorite songs with some sort of bluetooth headset thing that my husband got me for my birthday ( I have no clue how this synced with my ipad) and I am looking at this sunset. Most people like the purples and pinks, but I love a good orange/golden streak through a cloud:
I leave you with this picture of a neighbor/friend’s dog who stopped by for a visit. Does she love me? Does she hate me? We still aren’t quite sure! But I love little Madison( for my vision impaired friends, she is a 7lb chihuahua and her nose is next to my face but her eyes tell a story of possible hesitation)