I can think of many things that focus solely on money and have no connection to the individuals that are hurt while they bring in their profits. I was recently introduced to one: Puppy mills. Don’t think for one moment these people care about their animals. They care about the money they will make selling them. I won’t even go into the thousands of animals euthanized while other “special” breeds are being mass produced. I will simply introduce you to Jillian who came directly from a puppy mill:

We don’t know what “special” breed Jillian is. We do know she came from a puppy mill with her two babies. She is 12 lbs. they were “surrendered” under what conditions I don’t even want to know. It is painfully obvious. The pads on her feet are like velvet because they have never run on the ground. She has a blank look because she had no idea what feeling love meant. She was bred for money and discarded like trash. 

We went to look at Jillian,and after deciding that we just couldn’t bring her home, SHE decided she WAS coming home with us and jumped right in the car. So Jillian chose us as foster dog temporarily.  Better than her remaining  in a cage for a week waiting for adoption. 

When we brought her home and introduced her to our back yard she ran like I have never seen a dog run in my life. She felt joy. Absolute joy for the first time. But then she became sad. Her little feet hurt and we researched on how to introduce her to life outside a puppy mill. 

She is petrified of the crate and although it would make our lives much easier to have a moment to ourselves we cannot put her in it. 

She had never been inside a house. The sounds of the dishwasher and the washing machine were very scary. And YET she walked down my wheelchair ramp, walked next to my scooter on a walk, and hasn’t met one person or animal she didn’t love, something that not even our own dogs did!

A woman abused her. Everytime she goes outside to pee she crawls back and rolls over as if the last time she peed she was beaten. How a human being can be so cruel. She only does that if my daughter and I take her out. She is much more at ease with men. I don’t know why I forget about women abusers. Because one has never abused me I suppose. But women can be as equally abusive as men. As Jillian has proven.

I know abuse. I know fear. My heart has been breaking for her since the day we brought her home. Watching her sniff the breeze and learn to walk in the grass has been an amazing experience. She has spent 99% of her days and nights on top of my daughter, my husband, or me. All she wants is love:

Last night on the couch she was wedged in between my legs:

She has to have a paw on you at all times. Some part of her as to be touching a human being:

Who could ever hurt this precious animal. WHOOOO!!!!!!????????

She doesn’t know how to play. We have put dog beds all over the house for her. We put sheets on all the furniture. She can go wherever she wants to feel safe. She played with a toy for 10 seconds last night then looked at me like, “what do I do now?”

Yesterday when I got home from bloodletting (long story) I got chills and so we brought her in the front yard to get her used to the grass:

She wasn’t so thrilled about it but got lots of love. She prefers sitting on the deck on the bench sniffing the air:

But mostly she is just so starved for love. Now that she knows what it feels like she doesn’t want to be away from it for one moment. I checked in on her this morning and she was sleeping on my daughter’s HEAD. I have no clue how my daughter could breathe! 24/7 for the last 5 days has been all about Jillian. And it should be. 

We even put a mattress on the floor in the living room so she had beds everywhere to choose from and we all took turns laying with her. 

She loves to be wrapped in blankets

We may as well have a newborn infant. She requires round the clock attention. She doesn’t have an “energy” about her at all. It is as if her spirit has been crushed and her heart broken. We went in to looking at dogs with the intention of, yes, helping a shelter dog, but also having a dog help us to feel the joy and life of an animal in our house. This is not what we expected. She doesn’t have “life”. But she has love. She craves it. She is soaking it up because she has never felt it. And as the days go by her spirit is slowly being restored. 

When I was younger I wanted to foster a child. Now I know my heart would not be cut out for it. Because I would want to take all the pain away. All of the abuse and hurt. I know first hand that the pain of abuse cannot be taken away. But just like little Jillian, love can soothe the wounds. We are all soothing her the best we can.

She loves men but the minute I open my mouth she cowers. If I say nothing she curls in my lap like life might just be ok.

We have no idea if Jillian will stay with us. She was just brought home as a foster dog.  I will try to look at it like I’ve looked at most things. Sometimes we have ones come into our life temporarily for a reason. Sometimes they stay forever, sometimes only a day. 

I have been typing this outside. Jillian has made it nearly impossible because she insists I pet her every 2 seconds. So my 10 minute typing has taken well over an hour. But how can this face be resisted. 

The kind of person that hurts the innocent, those who cannot protect themselves will never stop shocking me. It will never stop rocking me to my core. I can only wish the rest of the world felt this way and made it one of their life purposes to right wrongs, save the wounded, seek justice, give love to those who have been through trauma,  and protect innocent victims. Even all the little Jillians of the world. Every life matters!

18 thoughts on “Jillian.

  1. What an adorable little sweetie! I hate hate hate puppy mills. I so wish they would be made completely illegal. They are quite prominent in PA and I know people who still buy puppies from pet stores…who get their puppies from mills.

    It’s a tough call because of course those puppies deserve as much love as any pet, and the punds/shelters put you through such hoops before you get approved to adopt, but if people don’t stop buying rather than adopting, the demand stays up and puppy mills stay in business. 😦

    This precious little girl knew exactly where she was going to find some healing love. It’s so good too, that she’s not aggressive toward you and your daughter. I know that many dogs afraid of a particular gender of people will growl and not be safe to be around. Since this little girl is not, she now has a chance to recover and eventually she’ll be able to hear a woman’s voice without being afraid.

    You are such an angel for taking her in and teaching her that love exists. I’m starting to cry now. This is such a bitter sweet story and I’m so touched by it.

    As I was looking at the pic of her between your legs I was thinking her warmth must feel so good to your legs. Anyway, enjoy her. She is one lucky girl now.


    • I totally agree! The puppy mills should be illegal. If these puppies are in shops people will buy them and they DO deserve love but it all has to stop somewhere. If people stopped buying them then the puppy manufactures would stop producing them. They are just a product. Not an animal.
      We are very fortunate that she is doing as well as she is. I read a LOT about puppy mills and tonight she refused to eat and it said to hand feed her and she did eat right out of my hand. I have cried many times over her and ever other dog like her that never received love and just the idea that dogs like her exist and may never be saved. Thankfully right now she is with us. I just took her for a walk with my wheelchair and she jumped in my lap and decided she would rather ride! We just gave her her first bone and she wandered a few minute before burying it in one of her beds. She is cowering less and less. It is sSo hard because I want to praise her with my high pitched voice but I can’t.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It sounds like her little spirit/soul is on its way back with your help though. Even if you can’t praise her with your high voice. Lol.

        Reminds me of an old friend of mine back when I was in my 20s. We used to joke about talking in a high voice by saying, “Talking in a high voice,” while talking in a high voice.

        Never mind, I think you hadda be there. haha.


      • My other dogs were scared of low voices so if we were mad we had to be mad in a high voice! I just happen to have a high voice. My husband yelled yesterday bc he got hurt. Just a normal response and the puppy didnt budge. She went out to pee and i called her and she crawled back! I was like ughhhhhhh! Yet she will lay on my chest and lick my face.


      • A friend of mine lives a few houses down and is a vet. He checked her out. Said about 5 or 6 years old. She still has a scab from being spade. So they fixed her before they dumped her which is odd. The crawling and rolling over is very very upsetting to watch. We are trying to ignore it right now and not pet her when she is doign that but pet her when she is not doing that. Bc petting her when she cowers and crawls just is making it worse. If we ignore it she recovers quicker.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I don’t know for sure, but the petting might reinforce the behavior? Since petting is usually a positive thing.
        I’m guessing here. I don’t know as much as I probably should about how dogs think, having been a pet sitter/dog-walker.

        A friend of mine used to have a German Shepherd mix and she would pee when she got excited, especially if you pet her at the height of her excitement.

        This dog would get so excited at the sight of me that I’d have to wait til she calmed down a bit before I pet her.

        So cool that you have a vet for a neighbor. And yeah, that’s weird they had her spayed. Good though.


      • Yep, that’s what the behaviorist said. Don’t pet them when they do behavior you don’t like. I prob made no sense in my comment. But yes that what we were told so we just ignore it even though it is so pitiful and instinctively i want to reassure her but we havent been.

        Liked by 1 person

      • 🙂 I took a new medication last night to try and lower my heart rate and was awake all night and then i started having trouble talking slurring words, etc all afternoon . I think it is finally wearing off I just didn’t want to look back and read this and think oh bethany wtf were you even trying to say!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • For some reason I cannot read your blog! I get sent to a page that doesnt have anything. Maybe you went private?
        I just tried again and it asked me to request an invite so I did. Hopefully that works.


      • I marked it private and just finished marking each individual post private. I am revamping basically.

        Not sure when I’ll start writing here again. I’m thinking soon and then I may also close comments for a bit as well.

        I had a run in with a jerk, here on WP, who was a catalyst for this. BUT… I was really feeling uncomfortable with sharing what I was writing about in such a public way already.

        I’ve struggled with it for a long time. Which is one reason a lot of time can go by at times between posts for me.

        I just don’t feel this is the right way for me to work through my past and the abuse, etc. I end up avoiding it.

        So although the plan for me is to work through my crap, it just isn’t going to be here.

        I will be blogging again here on ST blog, I just need to get my thoughts together and figure out what it is I want to share and post about.

        There will still be some things on the topic I’ve written about probably and I think I’ll share my few poems that basically come from toxic experiences.

        I’m just not going to go as deep on the blog.

        This is not a judgment though in any way against other people who do need and want to blog publicly. In fact I envy the strength of those who are doing it…including you. It’s been paralyzing me though. And the goal is some semblance of recovery, right? Lol

        I hope you understand. I’ve been missing the connection here of certain people, you being one of those.

        When I get the blog back to Public view status, I’ll likely write a post explaining the change, although I won’t go into anything about the jerk blogger I referred to above.


      • I completely understand wanting it to be private and wanting to be able to choose who you allow into your private thoughts. You are protecting yourself from hurtful people like the one you mentioned. I”m so sorry that happened. That’s the last thing you need is hurtful comments.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks Bethany. Yeah, I think I’m going to go a bit more mundane so to speak. Stuff that doesn’t make me quite as vulnerable. I don’t know, food, nature, pets, opinions on other life stuff.

        The title can still fit well given that I’ve been “shut down” for so long about even that kind of thing. My sister was expert at shutting me down about anything she didn’t agree with me on. And she’s just one example of someone like that who’s been in my life.

        I bought a big fat journal yesterday for doing my sorting and healing all the super private stuff.

        Thanks for understanding.

        Liked by 1 person

      • We have no clue. When we got there they were just brought in. The puppies were trying to attack dogs and people and the mother, who we have , was just sitting there. But yes, agresssion can be helped with a lot of behavior modification. We paid a buttload for our other dog to have a behaviorist dog trainer to help us so I can apply al ot of that to this dog. Aggression is hard though. I am sure they will try and rehab these dogs.

        Liked by 1 person

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