WHEN ONE MAN PUSHES YOU TO SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

A storm came through last night. It threatened to blow away everything I had built. The boundaries I had erected to finally stand up for myself, the strength I have gained from the those who have continuously supported me, torn down in a moment. Two years of moving forward. Two years of release and rebuilding my self worth and dignity I had taken away. Two years of voicing the silence. All ripped down and stomped on, kicked, made fun of, crushed in one fail swoop. I had no idea one man could have the capability of making me wish after everything, that I were dead again. I have fought to want to live. Yet onE man made me wish I were just dead. He stripped me of my goals, my achievements, my progress, and my will. One man shouldn’t be able to do that. I blame myself. I blame that shred of love and hope that still resided in me. I have learned a valuable lesson that I will share. He tricked me, as they do. He pulled me in under fall pretenses of love and I am a sucker for love. “What? You still love me?” And here it begun: everything in gray is from him. Blue is me. And yes, I have asked if it is lawful for me to print this and it is. 


Never meant to hurt me. I jumped right on board. We chatted for an hour about updates, about my daughter and his daughter. As if nothing happened. Then two nights later….

Then God put something in my heart. yes, I credit God. He put it there. It is the instinct that in the past I ignored. And I was reminded by my therapist to alway set boundaries. Boundaries are incredibly important for victims of sexual abuse because we never had them. So I set boundaries. I told him that I wanted a relationship with him but there had to be boundaries such as we never speak of my family that has hurt me. We could not speak of my mom and dad and the past events. I wanted a relationship with him devoid of the past pain. This would protect me from surprises, being caught off guard. Then came the true intentions of him. 


I will now give you a quick educational tour through this message. It is a classic abuser message. Let me break it down….I will not do what you want, but I love you….I will not respect your boundaries….but I love you…It has to only be my way and your way does not matter becasue I am more important….but I still love you….here are MY conditions….yours don’t matter. THAT IS WHAT THIS MESSAGE SAID.

That is what he was saying. But I didn’t see it. Not then. My hairs of protection on my neck stood up. God was trying to warn me that this path was not safe for me. But I hoped. If. Just explained the truth. If I explained what happened to me. If I only  explained the abuse that I endured and how my family denied my feelings, then he would stop his allegiance with them and he would understand my boundaries, he would love me. I was wrong. NEVER EXLAIN TO A PERSON WHO HAS ALREADY CLEARLY STATED THAT ONLY HIS CONDITIONS ARE WHAT MATTER AND THAT YOU DO NOT. Here is what I said:in blue. His reply in gray.


He didn’t hear me. He didn’t validate the abuse just like the rest of my family. He represents every family member who cares more about their own protection of secrets. Let me break down this message for you. This is what he is saying:

Just because you have been a victim of rape and abuse doeesn’t mean you get to talk about it. You don’t get to hold those accountable for what they did not do to protect you. Insert sarcasm for the boundaries I set up. Throw in the working on our relationship  to make me think he actually wants to work on this. He does not. His intention was to hurt me and accuse me and blame me. He disagrees wtih my blog, with my writing and wants me to stop. 

So I explained why I write. Who I write for. I explained in depth the abuse more and why I write. I explained the emotions that come along with PTSD and how writing is healing for me. I write to help others. Here is his reply


I will further interpret what he said for you. He isn’t sorry for anything that happened to me . He is only sorry that I feel the need to write about it. He is one of those people that silence victims. And revictimizes them. Revictimize me. I Made it pretty clear that until he got raped he gets no opinion. It may sound harsh but he GETS no opinion because he was not there. He has no idea how it felt to be destroyed by a man and have a family act as if it never happened. He only comes in 20 years later to lecture me on stopping telling the truth. 

So again. I tried to show him that my blog helped others. It helped me. And I showed him the kind and loving reply I got from someone who truly cares. I will show you his reply to that. 


I copied one of the kindest comments from my friend scottie. I wanted to show him what being supported actually looks like. 

His comments…rainbows…yaaaay.  He believes that what he and my parents feel is “real” and what those who support me are just telling me what I want to hear. But what Scottie said was from a place of real love. I tried to demonstrate what love and support looked like. I even at the end as you can see saw him from the person that he was. A terrible terrible person. As you can see his reply showed nothing. 

So if we go back to the beginning. This person didn’t want to hurt me he said very clearly 

He just wanted to work on our relationship. 

That background is that this is my brother. He was put up for adoption by my mother. When he found us my heart was filled. He was the brother I had wished for my entire life. We had 20 years of complete and pure unconditional love. He wasn’t there through the abuse. He wasn’t there when my family allowed my brother to keep skiing with the man who abused me . He just wasn’t there. So I had hoped that when I told my dad and mom and twin what happened to me, I would get lavished with love and understanding for the rest of my life. Instead, they abandoned me. My brother wanted me to “fix”things wtih my mother. He pressured me to make things better. I told him that I would not do that. Harsh words were spoken. I had not heard from him in 2 years. 

But that initial message. It led me to believe that there was hope. This message showed there was no hope. Yet I continued to engage him like a deserpate pathetic person who is yearning to beloved by at least one family member. My pathetic display is obvious now and the outcome was clear from the beginning. Hindsight.


The sarcasm continued. 

Now let me show you what I wrote to him….


His reply

Let me please share with you now what I chose to shared with him. 

My words:


Again. My brother’s reply

I LIVED THROUGH TORMENT AS A CHILD. I LIVED THROUGH ABUSE. I LIVED THROUGH RAPE. I LIVED THROUGH VIOLATION. I LIVED THROUGH THE SECRETS OF MY FAMILY THAT OVERSHADOWED MY OWN PAIN AND SUFFERING. I HAVE COME A LONG WAY. I HAVE WILLINGLY GONE THROUGH TRAUMA THERAPY ALONE. I HAVE MY FRIENDS, THIS BLOG, MY HUSBAND AND MY DAUGHTER. I HAVE LOST EVERY OTHER MEMBER OF MY FAMILY BECAUSE THEY ARE REPRESENTATIONS OF WHAT YOU HAVE READ ABOVE. THEY DON’T BELIEVE I AM ALLOWED TO SPEAK. I NEED TO “GET OVER IT” I NEED TO “MOVE ON” .  THEY REPRESENT SOCIETY! ALL OF THOSE WHO REVICTIMIZE VICTIMS WITH BLAME AND DENIAL. THE ONLYYY SHAME LIES ON THEM. THEY WILL FOREVER BE SHAMED. 

PEOPLE LIKE MY BROTHER ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF SOCIETY. THEY ARE COWARDS. THEY BLAME VICTIMS. THEY SUPPOPRT PERPETRATORS. 

IN COMPLETELY TRANSPARENCY MY BROTHER PUSHED ME TO SUICIDAL THOUGHTS LAST NIGHT. I WISHED I WERE DEAD. ONE MAN PUSHED ME TO WISHING I WERE JUST DEAD.  I DID NOT PLAN MY DEATH. I WAS JUST PUSHED TOO FAR. I WAS PUSHED TO WISHING ALL OF THIS ENDED. THE PTSD AND NIGHTMARES ARE ENOUGH BUT I HAVE FAMILY THAT WILL PERPETUATE THEIR OWN LIES UNTIL TH EEND OF TIME. THEY WILL NEVER GIVE ME WHAT MY HEART LONGED FOR.. THEY WILL TEAR ME DOWN. LAST NIGHT WAS A PERFECT REMINDER OF THE POWER OF MAN. APOWER HE SHOULD NOT DESERVE AND SHOULD NOT BE GIVEN. I ALLOWED IT. I SHOULD NOT. BUT I AM BROKEN BY THEM. HE KNEW THIS. HE KNEW MY WEAKNESS OF MY DAUGHTER’S ILLNESS AND Y ILLNESS AND THE PTSD. HE KNEW THIS WHEN HE WENT FOR THE JUGLULAR. SELFISH BASTARD THAT HE IS. 

I CALLED MY FRIEND CAROL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND SHE KEPT ME GROUNDED IN LOVE. I REACHED OUT TO THOSSE ON MY BLOG WHOSE EMAILS I HAVE AND THEY KEPT ME GROUNDED IN LOVE AND THE TRUTH. I TOOK MY EMERGENCY MEDICATION. 

I AM OKAY. I AM APPAULED AT ONE MAN’S ABILITY TO REVICTIMIZE CAN HAVE SUCH POWER .

I COULD EASILY SLIP BACKWARDS FROM ALL THE HEALING THAT HAS TAKEN PLACE . I WON’T GIVE HIM THAT PLEASURE. HIS INTENTION WAS TO TRICK ME INTO BELIEVING HE DID NOT WANT TO HURT ME. 

I WILL TAKE YOU BACK TO HIS ORIGINAL MESSAGE.


BEWARE OF WOLVES IN SHEEPS CLOTHING. 

BEWARD OF THEM. 

THEY WILL TRY TO TAKE EVERYTHING FROM YOU THEN BLAME YOU FOR SPEAKING THE TRUTH ABOUT THEIR EVIL WAYS. BY TELILNG ME THAT AS A VICTIM I DIDN’T GET TO SPEAK ABOUT EVERYONE  WHO HAD HURT ME. ?? OH HELL YES I DO. 

IT IS PEOPLE LIKE MY BROTHER THAT WANT TO KEEP US SILENT. IT MAKES THEIR LIVES EASIER. IF THEY LIVE IN DENIAL THEN THEY DON’T HAVE TO SEE THE TRUTH IN CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE. THEY DON’T HAVE TO SEE THAT PTSD EXISTS. 

THIS IS MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH. 

I AM BRINGING AWARENESS TO HOW ONE MAN, WHO KNOWS I AM BROKEN DOWN, FRAGILE, ( I HAD JUST TOLD HIM THE DAY BEFORE WHEN HE WAS PRETENDING TO CARE ABOUT MY DAUGHTER AND HER ILLNESS AND HOW UPSET I WAS) HE WAS PERFECTLY WILLING TO USE MY MENTAL HEALTH AND CRUSH ME TO THE GROUND.  HE WAS WILLING TO USE MY BROKENNESS UNTIL HE HAD STOMPED ME OUT FOR GOOD. 

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE MEN LIKE MY BROTHER AND MY FAMILY. 

DON’T ENGAGE THEM. 

DON’T AGRUE WITH THEM.

DON’T MAKE EXCUSES.

WALK AWAY. 

THEY AREN’T WORTH TAKING YOU TO A PLACE OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. 

IT WAS A HARD LESSON.

IT HAS BEEN LEARNED. 

SINCE HE AND MY FAMILY I HAVE BEEN TOLD READ MY BLOG AND WILL FIGHT TO HAVE ME SILENCED AGAIN. THIS IS A REMEINDER. 

YOU CAN KICK ME, BLAME ME, PUSH MY FACE INTO THE DIRT, DENY THE TRUTH. BUT YOU WILL NOT WIN. IF GETTTING RAPED DID NOT KILL ME, NEITHER  WILL YOU. 

GOOD TRY LAST NIGHT BROTHER. 

I WILL NOT MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN.

LOVE WILL NOLONGER GIVE ME BLINDERS.

ACTIONS WILL BE MY PROOF.

I ONLY PRAY GOD WILL PROTECT ME FROM THE LIKES OF ALL OF YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. UNTIL THEN. MY BOUNDARIES ARE UP. I WILL SET THEM AND I WILL NEVER BE DRAWN IN BY A WOLF AGAIN. EVER. 

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66 thoughts on “WHEN ONE MAN PUSHES YOU TO SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

  1. Dearest Bethany! I am so sorry you were feeling so low after this huge dismissal of your feelings and your truth, once again! I am so sorry for the pain and unfairness of it all. I am glad you are safe and continue to write and share in such detail! You have every right to and are believed! those messages unfortunately feel so familiar to me..I know how painful it is to read and reply…Your real family might have not been able to love you and accept the truth, but your wordpress family always will ❤ many many hugs to you xx

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    • my wordpress family has given me more than my family has ever given me and I am eternally grateful. Thank you for validating my feelings and encouraging me to write even though my family has tried to shut me down. I won’t let them. The messages I posted are very personal. They were a personal attack after years and years of being tricked an manipulated. It may, in reading them seem trite or minimal but after 45 years they may as well have been a knife jabbed directly into my heart saying, ” we do not care about you. we do not care what you have to say. your pain means nothing . only our pride matters.” it pained me beyond words. but today I feel restored. still wounded. but restored. I thank you for the love you have shown and given.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I am so sorry for their ridiculous invalidation! I know how much it hurts! and yes it is a shame that I and so many others have experienced this deep pain..At least we have each other, to support and validate our journeys, even though the pain remains.. Hugs xx

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      • I can’t believe there are so many of us. It is shocking to me how many can relate to me. I want someone to understand and come from a place of understanding but I absolutely hate that others have felt this level of pain and invalidation. It is so sad to me. I want better for everyone, all ofyou, including me. We deserved better all along, we really did.

        Liked by 1 person

    • I am so sorry it is familiar to you. I hate that anyone else experiences such dismissal and denial. They will deny me until the end of time. So it is time for me to own my truth, let go of their denial, and stop letting them take me down and stomp me. I will talk to my therapist about it tomorrow. Thank you for the hugs. Thank you for everything.

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  2. Bethany,

    I’m so sorry you were subjected to this sarcastic dismissal of your experience. As a fellow survivor, you are speaking about things that the vast majority of us go through. What people fail to realize is that survivors need to be supported because of the insidious SECRECY and DENIAL of their reality. Survivors live every single day of their lives having their reality denied by at least one person (the perpetrator). That is MORE than enough denial for anyone, but then add to that others’ denial of your experience? That can be unbearable.

    Might be time to write him off. You’re in my heart and prayers.

    Hugs,

    ~J

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I actually do know. He was not. He is comparing his struggle with rape and there is no comparison. I know what his struggles were. They had nothing to do with being molested or rape, so he gets no opinion on when or how long I can discuss what happened to me or my healing process. He doesn’t like what I have to say because it makes him see what he does not want to see. it interferes with his denial and it interferes with the lies the family has told him. They paint me as the one who has the problem. It is complicated. too complicated to sum up on a blog. but I can assure you. he is not coming from a wounded place nor a compassionate place for me. he is coming from a sarcastic, condescending defense of my mother.
    I will take your advice. I have listened to your words about your mother and how you speak the truth and I will keep doing it. Thank you for supporting me.

    Liked by 2 people

    • My goal for my blog was to reach other men and women, to share my story and in that to heal myself, have a voice, regain my voice, face those who have hurt me even if it is only in words, and connect to others so that their story doesn’t make them feel alone. The ONLY person who has condemned me for this are the people who want to keep the abuse and the lies a secret. They just can’t win. I can’t let them win.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. The abuse, your ex, your brother, everything. You’re so in the right here; don’t let an idiot like your ex try to tell you what you can and can’t write. We NEED victims to speak out and share their stories so that nobody gets abused in the first place. Shine on sweetie 🙂 we’re all here for you.

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  5. Hello Bethany. I am so sorry at what you went through I can’t find the words. I am still reading your post. I wanted to give you a shout out as fast as I could. I stopped reading at the point he asks you when you are going to move on. I want you to know that angered me, no victim should be asked that , or told to get over it. I found this site that talks about that and ptsd. I wanted to share it with you , maybe you could snail mail it to your brother.

    http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/2549755/jewish/Why-Cant-They-Just-Get-Over-It.htm
    excerpt below.
    …..Survivors of abuse would love to be able to move forward with their lives! Why would anyone want to feel trapped by depression, PTSD, dissociative disorders, eating disorders, drug addictions and anxiety? Unfortunately, these are the diverse symptoms that may manifest in survivors of abuse………

    Bethany I want you to know you are important. I hope you know many care including myself. I know how very important you are to your husband and your daughter. I can hardly stand that someone tried to belittle your suffering or silence your voice. You speak out as loud and often as you wish, it is your suffering and your life, not any others. I will go back to your post, I just wanted to quickly say how grand you are. Hugs

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Bethany you are not in any way a desperate pathetic person. The fact is you are an incredibly strong woman who has had a very hard life that would have crushed most people. The health issues you have, your nerve, muscle, and bone problems are almost impossible to comprehend yet you have dealt with them marvelously. Then to that is added the horrible abuse you suffered. How could anyone not admire you for how you have managed to deal with all of this. That you also can share your history openly and fully with others on your blog is another testament to your strength and your deep caring for others. You reach out to people who are suffering, and give of yourself, to help others who are hurting. That takes a true love of people to hear the suffering of others when it can open your own wounds. You listen to the hurt, fears, and terrors of others, never denying them your time or your help. For these things and more you are a hero. You are impressive. You are wonderful. You are Bethany, and I think you are special. Best wishes. Hugs

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    • A person true at heart can see the full picture and has the gift of empathy. You are that person. I cannot filter or censor my words for the liars of the world that cannot hear the truth. In the past I have. I have been bullied into silence. But not any longer. As long as I have this blog and the support system I get on this blog I will continue to tell my story. Because my story is ongoing. My story isn’t finished. It does have bad moments and ptsd moments but it also has beautiful moments and I try to put it all out there so people can see all of me not just the abused and wounded me. There are many parts to me. The illnesses , the ptsd, the abuse, but also the love I have for everyone that has been assaulted and abused and everyone who is fighting to voice what has been silenced in them.
      Thank you again.

      Liked by 2 people

  7. My heart breaks as I read this. How could he do that to you? Man I wish I had him here I would give him a piece of my mind and he wouldn’t like it. But I will not go down to his level just to make a point, but I would do it to defend you my friend. You are a beautiful, sweet, creature who has inspired so many. You have inspired me to voice my verbal abuse and I’m so glad you encouraged and inspired me to do so. I am happier and more free than I have been in years. I am slowly working through my issues, but I am so happy and free. I have you to thank for that. I wouldn’t be here without you. So thank you. Thank you for sharing your story. Don’t let him or anyone else break you and try to tell you that you are something you are not. They aren’t worth it. They all need to have their fucking heads examined and they all need to be checked in to a mental institution and they need to go to therapy to have their brains un brainwashed. I’m so sorry you went through this with your brother. He and your whole family doesn’t get it and they never will. We will pray for them and wish them well. God and Karma and the Universe will take care of them. What goes around comes around. I’m so proud of you my love. I love you and I’m here for you. Hugs Bethany. Hugs! You are not alone!!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Bethany, I know this all too well! The pain you (and I and many others) have been caused by people’s dismissal of our situation, is equal to the original crime. To have to block someone you loved is terrible. I’ve had to do it and it hurts. A LOT! We find balm where we can. The online community of survivors here, the owl, the deer, our gardens, wherever.

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    • It is true . We do find calm where we can. He represents my entire family. His words are the words of everyone who has ever dismissed anything I have ever been through. It is incredibly painful. I just need to accept it for what it is, block him from mylife, and mourn his loss like I have done the rest them. Thank you for understanding. I wish it has not been the same for you too. How hard IS IT to just give love and understanding and say, Gosh I am so so sorry that you went through that and I love you enough to respect your wishes. No one has done that! At least none of my family. Ever. Thank you again.

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  9. It breaks my heart for him to be so unfeeling about Your pain! It has always been the same for me with family. I was told I was always playing the victim, yet the people who said this I had not talked but once to them. And my mom just didn’t talk about it with me at all when I was little and it happened. I truly know that validation would help all of us and compassion. I send you hugs and support and thank you for the help you have been to me!

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    • He broke my heart. He truly did. Baited me with kindness and fake interest just to be hurtful and cruel, blameful and accusatory. Just to know you’ve been through the same is just so heartbreaking. I mean how hard is it to just talk to the person that loves you , that is seeking validation. That’s all. Just validation. And a slap in the face is the result on top of everythign that came before. It can be unbearable it really can. But i cannot let bastards like him take away anything else. I allowed myself to be upset about his words and then i deleted them. I send you compassion too. I really want you to have that. Im so sorry you didn’t get it either

      Liked by 1 person

      • I am here for you whenever you want to share any bit of it. I am so sorry you never got compassion. You deserved compassion and empathy and validation and understanding every single day and I’m so sorry you didn’t get it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I think it may help me to share my story and maybe you can give me insight as to what it does to us. I buried so many feelings under the rug and the rug has a mountain under it. Thank you for sharing your life to help us feel we​ belong somewhere.

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    • Thank you again for writing this. I reread it this morning. It means a lot to me to have support and understanding because I have never had it. Just blame and accusations. Never validation. So thank you truly thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. This is awful. I’m so sorry he did this to you.
    I read this post when you first wrote it but I was at such a loss for words. It just escapes me how anyone, esp. a family member could be so callous. It reminded me so well why I need to stay NC and not get into it with the explaining.

    Your insight on some of my posts has been priceless. You are very astute, are able to understand and see clearly when someone is being…well for loss of better words…a shit and worse.

    Thank you for being here.

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    • He truly broke my heart. But in doing that he put himself and the rest of the family finally to rest with me. I finally got it through my thick skull where I truly stand with all of these people. It was time for me to put them outside my little safe boundary and never let them in again. And I won’t.
      I’m so glad I have been able to give insight and can see things in your posts. Sometimes I worry I am too harsh. I get fiercely protective over those who are kind and innocent and like you get hurt by cruel people.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I don’t see you as harsh at all. I admire your ability to tell it like it is and not hold back. It’s real, which is so important…to me at least. I am struggling with it myself though. I’m still inside a shell trying to prevent rejection from others.

        As for the family crap, it’s so compelling to want to keep on trying to make them see.

        Reading the exchange between the two of you made it so clear how futile it is to go past a certain point. And I will remember that lesson if I see myself in a similar situation.

        Last I heard from my brother it was in the form of an email and all about him and who he was with at that point, what town he was living in and the whole crazy story leading up to them being together. In fact he titled the email “A Story.”

        That was it. Nothing that indicated him being aware why I went no contact with all of them. Although he mentioned no longer being in contact with our sister…which I believe given the reason he gave for cutting contact with her at the time. Not sure if that’s still the status though as it’s been 2 years I think now.

        I often think about (fantasize about) someone in my family…either brother or mother, not so much my sister, coming to the understanding and offering up what would be a REAL apology. That would not happen with my sister for sure. She’s too hardened into her narcissism for that.

        But the problem at this point in time though, would be that I would not trust it to be genuine from the other two either.

        Reading your post drove that home further for me.

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      • That conversation with my brother made things very very real for me. And you are wise to be hesitant in your hope from a narcissist and also hesitant in even believing if you ever did get some sort of apology or connection that it would be genuine. I feel the same. I would always be waiting for their agenda to come through. I think you and I have been hurt enough for one lifetime. Your brother writing to all about him sounds just like the rest of them. No real concern for you or what you went through or like you said even the why of you not being in contact. They must be in serious denial or guilt or all narcissists. Either way you deserve to be loved and not hurt any longer. I fantasize for awhile that I would get a knock on my door from one of them. It was an awakening to speak to my brother and know that that will never happen. I was just wishing that a group of people that were supposed to love me, would. But they don’t know what love is.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve hesitated from the beginning to label them all narcs because of my own flaws and seeing my own narcissistic behavior.

        I understand I have a lot of issues myself. But I also think I’m a bit different in that, I have no problem with admitting those flaws and mistakes or being sorry about them hurting any of them. I also admit to not always being reasonable myself.

        I have no problem apologizing and listening to how I may have hurt them…as long as I’m not being berated and blamed for everything that went on in such a mean and condescending way that the three of them were so good at.

        Fair conversations to work things through to resolution is what I was looking for.

        I avoided too though because I knew it would be painful. But my avoidance did seem to come from knowing that if I tried to say something about some action that bothered me or hurt me, the way it would be handled would be to blame in a mean spirited way. As if to say, “Well you have no reason to complain or feel hurt because you did this.”

        Whether narcs or not, the whole fam dynam is narcissistic for sure.And I do believe that they each fall on the specrum. Unfortunately so do I. Thankfully I am aware and want to change that.

        I understand why they are like that. Both parents were abused and emotionally neglected as well and it continued with us. But I’m not going to excuse that and let it into my life anymore. I don’t even know what it would take for me to trust them. I feel like the bridges are long burned.

        I never wanted to see any of them at my door. That would’ve sent me into a panic. When I would think about it, I would try to work out how I would handle it, esp. if they caught me on my way our or in.

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      • You are the exact opposite of a narcissist! Admitting to your own flaws, being accountable, being compassionate and sorry for your mistakes. Narcisssists cannot do that. You are a good person. We all make mistakes and we all have flaws. But it is in our intention and in the depths of our heart that matters and what we do with that in our actions. You are not a malicious hurtful person with bad intentions. You try to better yourself, find peace, and make things better for others even at the cost of sometimes hurting yourself. Basically the family was dysfunctional even if each of them can’t be labeled narcissists. And you were hurt by them and they cannot even acknowledge that. I was abused but I don’t abuse my daughter. At some point the cycle has to be broken and the excuse of abuse to abuse another has to be stopped and that only happens when a person is aware of it and you seem very aware. You can see they were hurt, so they hurt, and you don’t want that for yourself. I really admire that in you. I hope this didn’t come across as a ramble in every direction. I respect you as a person and am just coming from a place of hearing you and validating you and wishing you well and wishing good things for you

        Liked by 1 person

      • Loving this confidence you have in me. I have struggled believe me. I have been sorry only to do the same thing again.

        I have been dx’d with borderline by one therapist and recently a psychiatrist also saw the traits in one visit.

        And in living with myself and the reading I’ve done along with staying aware of myself, I know it to be true as well.

        It’s tough to come out of an environment like mine without narc traits. I didn’t have kids because I saw too much of my father’s temperament in myself. I never wanted to do that to a child. I suppose that was my way of breaking the cycle.

        I seemed to be aware for most of my life that something wasn’t right. But as a child the verbal capacity is not there. As a young adult I knew something was off as well but a lot of the time I bought into it being all me.

        I wanted then to get help and sought it out. It wasn’t until I read a book (don’t remember now the title) that described borderlines and my heart sank. The descriptions fit me so well.

        I didn’t do a whole lot about it because I couldn’t seem to get the proper help. Not to mention I wanted to just forget about it myself. I was a big drinker and partier then and it seemed to be all I cared about.

        I’m not trying to argue my point for winning purposes. lol. I would love to be wrong. But being honest with myself is a big deal these days.

        I also try to be compassionate with myself (although not always successful) because I know that BPD is really C-PTSD and my brain has been injured.

        Hoping right now that this DBT program I am waiting to start will come through. First individual appt. is set for ed of this month.

        Oh and nope, you were not rambling. …I know you are coming from a good place. You have a huge heart and a good soul. And I am so happy to know you as well. And I so appreciate all of your words here and admiration. I have a tendency to be quite hard on myself and have a tough time with self-forgiveness.

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      • Thank you for sharing your story and your life. I love how honest you are. Sounds to me like you broke the cycle in way more ways than one. I hope your individual apt goes well at the end of the month.

        Liked by 1 person

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