A storm came through last night. It threatened to blow away everything I had built. The boundaries I had erected to finally stand up for myself, the strength I have gained from the those who have continuously supported me, torn down in a moment. Two years of moving forward. Two years of release and rebuilding my self worth and dignity I had taken away. Two years of voicing the silence. All ripped down and stomped on, kicked, made fun of, crushed in one fail swoop. I had no idea one man could have the capability of making me wish after everything, that I were dead again. I have fought to want to live. Yet onE man made me wish I were just dead. He stripped me of my goals, my achievements, my progress, and my will. One man shouldn’t be able to do that. I blame myself. I blame that shred of love and hope that still resided in me. I have learned a valuable lesson that I will share. He tricked me, as they do. He pulled me in under fall pretenses of love and I am a sucker for love. “What? You still love me?” And here it begun: everything in gray is from him. Blue is me. And yes, I have asked if it is lawful for me to print this and it is.
Then God put something in my heart. yes, I credit God. He put it there. It is the instinct that in the past I ignored. And I was reminded by my therapist to alway set boundaries. Boundaries are incredibly important for victims of sexual abuse because we never had them. So I set boundaries. I told him that I wanted a relationship with him but there had to be boundaries such as we never speak of my family that has hurt me. We could not speak of my mom and dad and the past events. I wanted a relationship with him devoid of the past pain. This would protect me from surprises, being caught off guard. Then came the true intentions of him.
I will now give you a quick educational tour through this message. It is a classic abuser message. Let me break it down….I will not do what you want, but I love you….I will not respect your boundaries….but I love you…It has to only be my way and your way does not matter becasue I am more important….but I still love you….here are MY conditions….yours don’t matter. THAT IS WHAT THIS MESSAGE SAID.
That is what he was saying. But I didn’t see it. Not then. My hairs of protection on my neck stood up. God was trying to warn me that this path was not safe for me. But I hoped. If. Just explained the truth. If I explained what happened to me. If I only explained the abuse that I endured and how my family denied my feelings, then he would stop his allegiance with them and he would understand my boundaries, he would love me. I was wrong. NEVER EXLAIN TO A PERSON WHO HAS ALREADY CLEARLY STATED THAT ONLY HIS CONDITIONS ARE WHAT MATTER AND THAT YOU DO NOT. Here is what I said:in blue. His reply in gray.
He didn’t hear me. He didn’t validate the abuse just like the rest of my family. He represents every family member who cares more about their own protection of secrets. Let me break down this message for you. This is what he is saying:
Just because you have been a victim of rape and abuse doeesn’t mean you get to talk about it. You don’t get to hold those accountable for what they did not do to protect you. Insert sarcasm for the boundaries I set up. Throw in the working on our relationship to make me think he actually wants to work on this. He does not. His intention was to hurt me and accuse me and blame me. He disagrees wtih my blog, with my writing and wants me to stop.
So I explained why I write. Who I write for. I explained in depth the abuse more and why I write. I explained the emotions that come along with PTSD and how writing is healing for me. I write to help others. Here is his reply
I will further interpret what he said for you. He isn’t sorry for anything that happened to me . He is only sorry that I feel the need to write about it. He is one of those people that silence victims. And revictimizes them. Revictimize me. I Made it pretty clear that until he got raped he gets no opinion. It may sound harsh but he GETS no opinion because he was not there. He has no idea how it felt to be destroyed by a man and have a family act as if it never happened. He only comes in 20 years later to lecture me on stopping telling the truth.
So again. I tried to show him that my blog helped others. It helped me. And I showed him the kind and loving reply I got from someone who truly cares. I will show you his reply to that.
His comments…rainbows…yaaaay. He believes that what he and my parents feel is “real” and what those who support me are just telling me what I want to hear. But what Scottie said was from a place of real love. I tried to demonstrate what love and support looked like. I even at the end as you can see saw him from the person that he was. A terrible terrible person. As you can see his reply showed nothing.
So if we go back to the beginning. This person didn’t want to hurt me he said very clearly
He just wanted to work on our relationship.
That background is that this is my brother. He was put up for adoption by my mother. When he found us my heart was filled. He was the brother I had wished for my entire life. We had 20 years of complete and pure unconditional love. He wasn’t there through the abuse. He wasn’t there when my family allowed my brother to keep skiing with the man who abused me . He just wasn’t there. So I had hoped that when I told my dad and mom and twin what happened to me, I would get lavished with love and understanding for the rest of my life. Instead, they abandoned me. My brother wanted me to “fix”things wtih my mother. He pressured me to make things better. I told him that I would not do that. Harsh words were spoken. I had not heard from him in 2 years.
But that initial message. It led me to believe that there was hope. This message showed there was no hope. Yet I continued to engage him like a deserpate pathetic person who is yearning to beloved by at least one family member. My pathetic display is obvious now and the outcome was clear from the beginning. Hindsight.
Now let me show you what I wrote to him….
Let me please share with you now what I chose to shared with him.
I LIVED THROUGH TORMENT AS A CHILD. I LIVED THROUGH ABUSE. I LIVED THROUGH RAPE. I LIVED THROUGH VIOLATION. I LIVED THROUGH THE SECRETS OF MY FAMILY THAT OVERSHADOWED MY OWN PAIN AND SUFFERING. I HAVE COME A LONG WAY. I HAVE WILLINGLY GONE THROUGH TRAUMA THERAPY ALONE. I HAVE MY FRIENDS, THIS BLOG, MY HUSBAND AND MY DAUGHTER. I HAVE LOST EVERY OTHER MEMBER OF MY FAMILY BECAUSE THEY ARE REPRESENTATIONS OF WHAT YOU HAVE READ ABOVE. THEY DON’T BELIEVE I AM ALLOWED TO SPEAK. I NEED TO “GET OVER IT” I NEED TO “MOVE ON” . THEY REPRESENT SOCIETY! ALL OF THOSE WHO REVICTIMIZE VICTIMS WITH BLAME AND DENIAL. THE ONLYYY SHAME LIES ON THEM. THEY WILL FOREVER BE SHAMED.
PEOPLE LIKE MY BROTHER ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF SOCIETY. THEY ARE COWARDS. THEY BLAME VICTIMS. THEY SUPPOPRT PERPETRATORS.
IN COMPLETELY TRANSPARENCY MY BROTHER PUSHED ME TO SUICIDAL THOUGHTS LAST NIGHT. I WISHED I WERE DEAD. ONE MAN PUSHED ME TO WISHING I WERE JUST DEAD. I DID NOT PLAN MY DEATH. I WAS JUST PUSHED TOO FAR. I WAS PUSHED TO WISHING ALL OF THIS ENDED. THE PTSD AND NIGHTMARES ARE ENOUGH BUT I HAVE FAMILY THAT WILL PERPETUATE THEIR OWN LIES UNTIL TH EEND OF TIME. THEY WILL NEVER GIVE ME WHAT MY HEART LONGED FOR.. THEY WILL TEAR ME DOWN. LAST NIGHT WAS A PERFECT REMINDER OF THE POWER OF MAN. APOWER HE SHOULD NOT DESERVE AND SHOULD NOT BE GIVEN. I ALLOWED IT. I SHOULD NOT. BUT I AM BROKEN BY THEM. HE KNEW THIS. HE KNEW MY WEAKNESS OF MY DAUGHTER’S ILLNESS AND Y ILLNESS AND THE PTSD. HE KNEW THIS WHEN HE WENT FOR THE JUGLULAR. SELFISH BASTARD THAT HE IS.
I CALLED MY FRIEND CAROL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND SHE KEPT ME GROUNDED IN LOVE. I REACHED OUT TO THOSSE ON MY BLOG WHOSE EMAILS I HAVE AND THEY KEPT ME GROUNDED IN LOVE AND THE TRUTH. I TOOK MY EMERGENCY MEDICATION.
I AM OKAY. I AM APPAULED AT ONE MAN’S ABILITY TO REVICTIMIZE CAN HAVE SUCH POWER .
I COULD EASILY SLIP BACKWARDS FROM ALL THE HEALING THAT HAS TAKEN PLACE . I WON’T GIVE HIM THAT PLEASURE. HIS INTENTION WAS TO TRICK ME INTO BELIEVING HE DID NOT WANT TO HURT ME.
I WILL TAKE YOU BACK TO HIS ORIGINAL MESSAGE.
BEWARD OF THEM.
THEY WILL TRY TO TAKE EVERYTHING FROM YOU THEN BLAME YOU FOR SPEAKING THE TRUTH ABOUT THEIR EVIL WAYS. BY TELILNG ME THAT AS A VICTIM I DIDN’T GET TO SPEAK ABOUT EVERYONE WHO HAD HURT ME. ?? OH HELL YES I DO.
IT IS PEOPLE LIKE MY BROTHER THAT WANT TO KEEP US SILENT. IT MAKES THEIR LIVES EASIER. IF THEY LIVE IN DENIAL THEN THEY DON’T HAVE TO SEE THE TRUTH IN CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE. THEY DON’T HAVE TO SEE THAT PTSD EXISTS.
THIS IS MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH.
I AM BRINGING AWARENESS TO HOW ONE MAN, WHO KNOWS I AM BROKEN DOWN, FRAGILE, ( I HAD JUST TOLD HIM THE DAY BEFORE WHEN HE WAS PRETENDING TO CARE ABOUT MY DAUGHTER AND HER ILLNESS AND HOW UPSET I WAS) HE WAS PERFECTLY WILLING TO USE MY MENTAL HEALTH AND CRUSH ME TO THE GROUND. HE WAS WILLING TO USE MY BROKENNESS UNTIL HE HAD STOMPED ME OUT FOR GOOD.
THERE WILL ALWAYS BE MEN LIKE MY BROTHER AND MY FAMILY.
DON’T ENGAGE THEM.
DON’T AGRUE WITH THEM.
DON’T MAKE EXCUSES.
THEY AREN’T WORTH TAKING YOU TO A PLACE OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS.
IT WAS A HARD LESSON.
IT HAS BEEN LEARNED.
SINCE HE AND MY FAMILY I HAVE BEEN TOLD READ MY BLOG AND WILL FIGHT TO HAVE ME SILENCED AGAIN. THIS IS A REMEINDER.
YOU CAN KICK ME, BLAME ME, PUSH MY FACE INTO THE DIRT, DENY THE TRUTH. BUT YOU WILL NOT WIN. IF GETTTING RAPED DID NOT KILL ME, NEITHER WILL YOU.
GOOD TRY LAST NIGHT BROTHER.
I WILL NOT MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN.
LOVE WILL NOLONGER GIVE ME BLINDERS.
ACTIONS WILL BE MY PROOF.
I ONLY PRAY GOD WILL PROTECT ME FROM THE LIKES OF ALL OF YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. UNTIL THEN. MY BOUNDARIES ARE UP. I WILL SET THEM AND I WILL NEVER BE DRAWN IN BY A WOLF AGAIN. EVER.