Rage

I find rage an interesting topic. 

I looked up the word rage in the dictionary. In every definition it says “violent.” My brother has told me yesterday and my stepfather 2 years ago, that I am a rageful person. They only call it rage because it is something they feel within themselves. It is something they feel within themselves when they read my truthful words. But rage is commonly violent. I am not violent.

I have never done a violent thing in my entire existance. I have not intentionally hurt anyone. I have not physically ever hurt anyone. Infact, since I have felt  rage/violence at the hands of others, I have never exhibited rage. 

When I think of rage I think of a person smashing something on purpose. I think of purposeful anger displayed in a violent way. I have seen violence many times in my life. I have seen physical violence towards animals, children and adults. I have been a victim of rage/violence. I have been shot at. I have had my face slashed with a knife. I have had my head bashed against a wall. I have had my face buried in the carpet in a rageful violent manner while I was raped. 

I know rage. I have experienced rage. My body has been the victim of rage more times than I care to remember or document for this writing purpose. 

I have seen holes punched in walls out of rage. I have seen windows smashed with hammers in rage. I have seen couples scream at each other in rage. 

In my lifetime I have rarely raised my voice. I have rarely yelled. I have never physically displayed any signs of rage. 

Now, do I feel rage? Well…I do not feel violent. Do I feel deep anger within myself on some days? Absolutely. What I have always defined as internal rage is a fire, a boiling, a bubbling of anger that wants to explode. Have I felt this? Yes. Have I ever acted on it? No. I have never destroyed anything, beaten anything, damaged anything. 

Do my words sound rageful? If that means my words have enormous anger at those who have harmed me, those who have perpetrated lies, those who have covered up abuse, and those who continue to abuse me and silence me….then yes, I have spoken those words. 

But to label me as rageful? I do not accept that label. 

A person can try to pin a label on you but that in no way means you have to accept it. You can just lay it back at their feet. They may not pick it up but it is theirs and not yours. 

I am kind. I have empathy, compassion, and a very fragile and sensitive heart. I am outraged at abuse. I am outraged at the way society treats victims of rape and sexual assault. Is outraged the same as rage? No. It is the inability to stand by and watch injustice happen to those who have already been victimized. 

I have emotions. I share them. I do not hold them in. But I have never been rageful. When I tear up the house, bash up the walls, throw the plates at the wall, and chop up pictures on the wall I don’t like , well then I’d say I have experienced a fit of rage, I will let you know when that happens as I am and always have been transparent in my blog. I know of countless people who have had a rage and it is acceptable. It is deemed understandable. So and so just flipped and had a rage because she was so angry that such and such happened. Well, that has never happened to me. Maybe if I didn’t have a muscle disease I COULD have a violent rage. But so far…not happened. 

My current mood is that I am easily aggitated at ignorance. I am easily aggitated with disrespect. I do have anger at the continuing illusion my family has used to try to hurt me. I get to be angry. I get to be aggitated. I don’t take these feelings out on anyone. Ask my husband. Ask my daughter. I get up and take care of my family while dealing with constant and excruciating pain with little complaint.  And IF for a moment, I do feel THAT angry, I close myself in my room until I have calmed down. I go for a wheelchair walk until I have calmed down. 

My brother and my stepfather have said I have rage. I would like to change that word for them to…truth. I simply speak the truth. Perhaps it causes rage within them and they project it on me. I am just human. 

I wonder: would my brother or stepfather stop in the middle of the road to pick up an earthworm from getting run over by a car? Would they chase a treefrog around the house on their hands and knees for an hour to set him back outside? Would they sit in the yard for 5 hours while baby birds learn to fly so that the black snake doesn’t get them? Would they hand feed a baby squirrel with a syringe that fell out of a tree for 6 months every 3 hours? Would they run into a chemical house to save little baby kittens, then hold them on their chest as they each die and bury them one by one? Would they spend 8 years holding the hands of people dying in nursing homes? Would they ….oh who am I kidding. They wouldn’t do any of those things. But I have and I do every day. They cannot even be loyal to their own family, I doubt they would even notice an earthworm trying to get across the road.  Becasue I believe that every little soul matters, they don’t. The certainly don’t believe that my soul matters. So my words cause THEM to feel rage. They are words they don’t want to hear. How can we raise awareness for sexual assault, rape, violence against women, mental health, when there are people like my own brother who give false labels/minimize/revictmize. This is a battle. One I intentend to not lose. 

So if holding somoene accountable for allowing abuse, calling someone a fucking asshole for hurting me, and continuing speaking my life story on my blog makes me full of rage…I guess that is something they will have to live  with. But it is not how I will define myself, nor will I ever. I will just keep speaking the truth. 

22 thoughts on “Rage

  1. They are the ones that to be labeled as enraged. They are the ones that need the rage label. They need to be labeled as stupid and fucking assholes. You are a person who I would consider to be a rageful person. I think they need to have their heads examined. Sending you my love and comforting and encouraging vibes and a huge ass hug! I’m so proud of you. You are not alone. You have support. We all love you and we know the truth. They are just assholes who will never accept the truth and never see the light and even if they do it will be too late. Love you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. problem starters often say that others who tell them no are the problem.. people that tell them no are rocking the boat…people who tell the truth are stirring up problems.. It’s a horrifying fascinating …dynamic by which abusers try to convince others that all they want is peace.. Simply … Hiiiiisterical… dumb stuff it is…

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  3. Bethany,
    You have a better life ahead of you- keep those who love you close to you and make new friends, those that will love you more than the loves you lost.
    And the other thing, don’t pine too much for human love or acceptance.
    My own advice is try to win favor with God as you are amply doing now- continue more in the same vein and don’t waste even a single moment of your life thinking of basically ” idiots” ( sorry). Write a book whenever you feel sad, start writing a few lines. If you like, adopt a little baby who has no one.
    Susie

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    • I wrote a poem on my blog about seeking man’s acceptance over God’s word just for this purpose. Interestingly, I wrote it when I was first contacted by my brother. Somehow I KNEw that it would not end well.
      I have always wanted to adopt a child. If my daughter weren’t sick and if I weren’t. Battling so many illnesses I would absolutely adopt a child. Hopefully one day. This is great advice though. I am not seeking man’s approval anymore.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Forget about men or women, Bethany. Live life to the best of how you know how.
        I have reached a stage in life where I need only my approval for things I do or think. I have not been a victim of sexual abuse but have become frustrated over life and its burdens.

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  4. Pingback: Rage By Bethany K – The Militant Negro™

  5. I have had several violent episodes. It wasn’t until I recognized that the rage wasn’t mine – that other people put their rage on me – and was able to stop taking on other’s feelings that the violence stopped. I never hurt another person, but I did take an axe (a splitting maul) to a lot of the furniture my mother-in-law gave us.

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    • You know….I am so glad you shared this with me. I think you were completely validated in your rage. It was completely justified. And I see no harm I releasing that kind of hurt. But as you wrote it it reminded me that i DID infact have a rage once!!!! My fiancé, long ago was VERY abusive. He did some very very heinous things to me that I still cannot talk about. One day I threw his things out of our upstairs window and I chainsawed all of his furniture up. I think that constitutes a rage!!!!He never even commented. Just packed the rest of his things and moved out. I think I made my point well enough that it stopped his rage towards me. But that is JUST what it was. His rage towards me that I finally acted on. I am So glad so glad you shared this with me. Thank you

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  6. This is important to me. For many years I was the quiet one trying to mold myself into a wall so no one would notice me. I have always been sensitive, too sensitive some say. I was bullied often in school because I was the largest girl, weight & height. The boys and the girls both participated. My twin who was an “acceptable” weight had friends and was left alone. She never came to my defense until 1 time in our Senior year. I started drinking at 16/17, it numbed the pain, gave false confidence, but also gave me the experience of rage. I felt I deserved it because I was nothing. I took all their rage and washed it down with more alcohol to forget. You can only swallow so much rage before it’s released in some way. After years of being treated like nothing something changed. I became mean and started to find ways to defend myself or find my voice. Alcohol still played a big part. You can’t live long this way either. One day there will be someone who is bigger, meaner, with more rage than you. Who will leave you a limp bloody mess and so traumatized you won’t remember why. Nine years sober I have no rage and a quiet voice. I have compassion but I’m fragile. I do have a bubbling anger when my family says I’m not “trying hard enough” or I “don’t want to get better”. When I was younger I thought by the time I was 44 I would be married with a house and children. I have not dated in over 9 years and went through early menopause at 38 so no children. I will most likely never own a house or have someone to share my life with. I have gotten to the point where I don’t like to leave the house. I have no support from anyone in my life. I also can’t find doctors. So I understand.

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    • Oh my gosh I am so glad you wrote this to me. I was also the quiet one. I so can relate to this. The bullying and the being quiet. That kind of pain!
      But 9 years sober. Wow what a huge huge accomplishment. To overcome the numbing of what alcohol did and to face all of this. You are someone I admire immensely.
      I am still quiet. But I am setting boundaries to protect myself.
      I’m so sorry you have no support from any one of them. You have it from me. I have a great amount of compassion for you. I’m sorry that others have not given you that.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for responding it means so much that someone would take the time to read what I have written and understand. I am still quiet and fight hard to be heard. It’s difficult with my Dad because he has hearing problems and asks me to repeat myself often. I have speech problems which makes it hard for me to repeat myself. This leaves one of us angry or frustrated. He has actually walked outside while I was in the middle of a sentence and sometimes I can’t help but think he does it on purpose. I’m going to try to go through HIPPA to get my records or request my records from my Hematologist who has records from my Primary Care doctor. It’s hard when you have Medicare you have to be careful about complaints because other doctors won’t take you on as a patient. I’ve started to change what I eat too. I’ve been Gluten and Lactose free for years but have lost my appetite and have been on a cereal diet for years. I know this isn’t healthy and has to change. Thank you again!

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