But, it was just supposed to be the Big Red Gum, mom.
That was all of the lasting affects that I had imagined. I just had to stay away from the Big Red Gum and I’d be ok.
If I stayed away from that gum then I would forget.
How naive I was to think avoidance of gum would be all I needed.
How naive you were to think that taking me to doctor appointments and making me dinner would be all I needed.
I needed my mother. I needed a mother that I know you once knew how to be.
I remember that mother. I saw, pieces, of her in your selfless moments of trying to make my life easier. Moments.
You so desperately want to stifle your own history and our own mistakes at the cost of loving me.
Did you think that you had put in your time?
Did you check off the boxes in adult hood as you saw fit?
You left your daughter!
Every time my daughter gets sicker I hate you even more for that.
Every time she cries, I hate you more.
Every time she suffers with this illnesss, I hate you more.
Because you should have been here. She deserved to be loved by a village.
I hate you for not being able to love me enough to love her too.
Is your heart shrunken to fit just the man who currently fills your bed?
Is your heart shrunken to just the sons you have captivated and enamored by your superficial ways?
You left your daughter. You left me knowing I was deteriorating while trying to care for my own child.
You didn’t allow me to feel.
You didn’t allow me to express my pain.
You took the easy road.
I hate you for that.
Is it easier for you not to have to think about my suffering?
Is it easier for you to be angry at me, and blame me, than accept me?
God how naive of me. I say this TO God and not in vain.
I thought it all was as simple as staying away from Big Red Gum.
I didn’t know a mother could break her daughter’s heart just as much as a child molester could.
Who knew it would be more than just the gum.