But, mom…

But,  it was just supposed to be the Big Red Gum, mom.

That was all of the lasting affects that I had imagined. I just had to stay away from the Big Red Gum and I’d be ok. 

If I stayed away from that gum then I would forget. 

How naive I was to think avoidance of gum would be all I needed. 

How naive you were to think that taking me to doctor appointments and making me dinner would be all I needed. 

I needed my mother. I needed a mother that I know you once knew how to be. 

I remember that mother. I saw,  pieces, of her in your selfless moments of trying to make my life easier. Moments.

You so desperately want to stifle your own history and our own mistakes at the cost of loving me. 

Did you think that you had put in your time?

Did you check off the boxes in adult hood as you saw fit?

You left your daughter!

Every time my daughter gets sicker I hate you even more for that. 

Every time she cries, I hate you more. 

Every time she suffers with this illnesss, I hate you more. 

Because you should have been here. She deserved to be loved by a village. 

I hate you for not being able to love me enough to love her too.

Is your heart shrunken to fit just the man who currently fills your bed?

Is your heart shrunken to just the sons you have captivated and enamored by your superficial ways?

You left your daughter. You left me knowing I was deteriorating while trying to care for my own child. 

You didn’t allow me to feel. 

You didn’t allow me to express my pain.

You took the easy road.

I hate you for that. 

Is it easier for you not to have to think about my suffering?

Is it easier for you to be angry at me, and blame me, than accept me?

God how naive of me. I say this TO God and not in vain.

I thought it all was as simple as staying away from Big Red Gum.

I didn’t know a mother could break her daughter’s heart just as much as a child molester could.

Who knew it would be more than just the gum.

17 thoughts on “But, mom…

  1. So heart breaking. I always thought (until recently) that a mother could love her child enough to do the difficult things. It makes for a more simple life I suppose to deny and bury all the awful and horrendous stuff that happened… I guess. Not sure it makes it all easier though. If that’s what she thinks it’s an illusion.

    Love is supposed to take over and go, “Well simple isn’t necessarily right. Doing the hard things, getting through the difficult times are what really builds trust, love and…not to mention character.

    I read your tags under your title and had to laugh a little at “mothers who suck.” Not really funny, but it’s more of a bitter chuckle of understanding.

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    • I actually laughed after I wrote that tag. I kept thinking, how do I even tag this??? And I got straight to the point!!
      I think, if I were living in denial, I being the one that was abused, THEN she could also live in denial with me. But if I am facing it and she is running away then that makes her suck. Love IS supposed to surpass all. It just is. My daughter right now….lets just say I have a contrast because my daughter is very unwell and even the thought, the idea, that I would leave her would be lunacy. You don’t leave those you love. Unless you suck.

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      • That’s a relief that you laughed too then at that tag. It’s funny that we both did.

        I’m really sorry about your daughter. I know it’s difficult to see someone you care about suffer in any way. I can’t even begin to imagine how it would be to see your own child in pain and sick.

        And yeah, knowing you, even only through the blogging and chatting in comments in wordpress, know that would be way out of character for you. Your daughter is lucky and blessed to have you for a mom.

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      • Seeing my daughter sick and sicker for 3 years has just torn at my heart in ways I never thought possible. I feel so blessed to have her as my daughter. She is an amazing individual. Amazing. Thanks for saying she’s lucky to have me. That’s really sweet.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I understand. I have come a long way from that though. It used to control who I was inside. On the outside I appeared ok and people didn’t know the secrets that I had that haunted me. I pretended to be “normal.” I pretended to have a loving mother and normal family. The real problem was inside myself, and the damage that they left. I didn’t have real relationships with anyone. I didn’t trust anyone, and to say I love you, it seemed like a lie to me. I was always waiting for them to hurt me, or leave me. I held that anger in for so long I fought anybody who tried to get close. Until, one day God worked through someone that wouldn’t back down at age 30, no matter what I did. He was my pastor. I yelled a lot, I got mad a lot. But God made sure he never left me. Never disappointed me. He loved me like my mother should have loved me and my father should have. I call him Dad now.

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      • I didnt pretend. I had hoped those who loved me would not pretend either. It will take time to grieve and let them go. I am in the process. But it is not easy. So I write. It’s all I can do really. Other than pray and hope that one day I can be at peace from it all.

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  2. I always thought my mom would be there for me, but it turned out she wouldn’t be and I have had to face the hardest things without her. I miss her and her hugs that made me feel so good, but I have a peace about not having her in my life because she’s not the same anymore. She’s verbally abused me and chose to hurt me. I have forgiven her, but she doesn’t care. She doesn’t care about what she did to me. I’m so sorry your mom did that to. I love you and hugs!! Thanks for posting. It really helped me a lot.

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  3. Pingback: Backstory | NOT MY SECRET…overcoming the shame of sexual abuse

  4. This is heartbreaking. I am so sorry. I can relate in a different way with my mother. My mother was extremely selfish and was never there for me. She thinks she was but in my reality she wasn’t. I had to beg her to come to my wedding because there was bad blood at the time. She barely made my wedding shower and didn’t attend my baby shower. She has been out of my life more than in it and it fucking kills me. My son is graduating this week and I have no family if my world to attend. Anyways, back to you. I am very sorry that you had to go through this, it never should have happened. I don’t understand parents at times. How does this kind of stuff happen? Triggers I am sure are unbearable I can’t even imagine your pain and suffering. You are such a good person and why on earth does it always happen to good fucken people??? I don’t get it!! I love you Bethany. You are so strong. And so damn brave for telling your story.

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