No regrets.

Had I known when I got married and had my daughter, that when she was 10 I would be diagnosed with a muscle disease, I look back…I wouldn’t have done anything differently. I have fully loved. I have fully lived. I made my husband and my daughter my priorities. I volunteered to help wounded animals. I volunteered to help the forgotten in nursing homes. I lived in the moment with my husband and daughter, my true family. We were spontaneous! We would drop everything to go horseback riding. We’d drop everything to go swim in the lake. We’d take long walks through the woods and love nature. I have been a good friend to every person who has crossed my path.

I am not in a good place now. My daughter is not in a good place. Our health is chronic, declining, and heartbreaking. I am thankful that I can lay here next to my daughter at 2AM and know that I have no regrets. I have loved these two people more than life itself. I have tried my best to be the mother and wife I always wanted to be and I believe I have succeeded. I’m  happy in the fact that my youth was not wasted on living life in a shell or being what society wanted me to be. Being a wife and a mother are the two things I have wanted since I was eight years old. I am proud of those accomplishments. Proud that I knew to appreciate these two phenomenal human beings and to be grateful every moment I have had wtih them. 

I have no idea what tomorrow brings. I have not lost faith, I have just become very tired. I hope I am pleasantly surprised at the good things that will come. I have two good things always, my husband and daughter. I seek out other good things and I often only find that kind of good existing in nature and animals, flowers, and strangers. The people I thought I could count on faded away, slipped away, and disappeared long ago. There have been many disappointments and many broken promises by those I felt would never let me down. Yet, God has sprinkled a few people in my life lately that make me feel less alone in this painful health journey that my daughter and I are in. I wish there were more. I am thankful though for what I have. 

On my walk today, I stayed out for 2 hours. I took pictures of everything that caught my eye from the sky to the flowers around the neighborhood. Sometimes, these are the only things, aside from my true family, that give me peace. 

Raindrops

Yesterday after my therapy I was feeling particularly drained. It was pouring rain as we were driving home and I wanted to set my intentions on something mindful and positive. I decided I would set out in search of raindrops on anything in nature. My very first flower greeted my at the front door. My gardenia. She smelled amazing and the raindrops on her were just perfectly put. 


I then wanted to find a raindrop that was about to fall and on a stick I found a drop just waiting. I watched it but it never fell. 


I searched out a leaf with the perfect rain drop and found one on my jasmine


And I found the perfect red leaf just waiting to have it’s photo taken.


While under the tree my sweet owl called out. I looked up and there she was. All fluffed up and puffed up from the rain. 


It was a very calming choice for me to make. 

Late in the evening my daughter and I heard a buzzing and went into the kitchen to find this. A beetle caught in a spider web. I know it is blurry. Some of these are


I had a moment of,.. do I let the spider eat? Or do I let the beetle die? I just couldn’t let the beetle die. He was fighting so hard. So I climbed on the bench and got him down with a swiffer. Not the greatest choice for my leg or my shoulder but I don’t always think of myself when I am thinking of saving something, even a beetle. So I got him down, only to have him fly into another spider web. We have two that I leave because, well I don’t bother the spiders. 

So I got the beetle out. Set him outside. Felt very victorious and exhausted from his rescue ONLY to have that sucker fly right back into the house. I have no idea where he went. His fate is still unknown. It was quite the experience. My daughter took a few videos I will try to upload. He was a very big beetle. And very hard and his feet were prickly. It was not my best moment. The video is of my daughter and me trying to wipe the spider web off the little guy


This morning I woke up to these bloomers that I wanted to share. White and orange honey suckle, pink pintas and purple heather, and the sweet flower with a cross on it.


I looked at my house and it looked so small compared to the massive oak tree in the front yard and the back yard.


I love the perspective it gives on how powerful and strong things in nature can be. 

The last thing I wanted to share is this bug who felt he needed to be showcased as he was sitting right there when I walked out. He is an odd looking yellow bug that I have never seen before. And this very white mushroom I felt like sharing just because.


For my friends that are visually impaired I wanted to share with you that I closed my eyes and felt every flower. The ones with corners did not feel like they had corners. They felt soft. Each flower had exactly the same feel, of velvet. I even felt the raindrops on them. I wanted to be able to describe them since you cannot see them. And I thought each would feel somewhat different. But they didn’t. Each flower felt just like velvet. The gardenia had thicker stronger petals whereas the pentas felt more thin and fragile. But all velvety and equally as beautiful. 

The bug and the muschroom I did not touch! I’m thinking the bug was a stinger and the mushroom just looked like…well fungi that I did not want to touch. 

Hoping you all have a good day and can find some beauty if it is only in a raindrop. 

Rebuilding.

I drove around today looking at different angles of the clouds. I watched from different views. I watched from different times. The clouds were ever changing. The sky is always there but it is never quite the same. Moment to moment the sky changes. In just 20 minutes it went from puffy cotton sunshine to dark and rainy. I look at the sky and I feel a peace. After I got home my sweet owl was waiting. The rain came down but in the break I went outside to see if she was still there. She was fanning out her wings to dry. Her brother flew off like he always does but she stayed and chatted with me until it started to rain again. I took a picture of her but she was so high above my head it looks like a blob. But it is her. You can see the edges of her tail feathers.


And the sky was really spectacular:


In Florida it rains almost every afternoon all summer. Here is some Florida rain for you:

I watched the sky change over that 20 minutes and I thought about my life in this last year. One year ago I broke. Life truly broke me. We all have a breaking point. I didn’t know what mine was until I got there. It was after my dog died of cancer. 

That was my low. Since then I have been fighting so hard to get back to me. Rebuild. Face old wounds and start to restore. I don’t know why looking at the clouds reminded me of my breaking point. Watching them move and change so quickly and then the rain just brought up how quickly my life changed. I was managing. Hanging on by a thread and when that thread broke I was oh so broken. I would have thought it would have happened much earlier like when my daughter had her kidney removed, or when my daughter had her gallbladder removed, or when my daughter went ot the ER 30 something times, or when I was sexually assaulted, or when I was diagnosed with a muscle disease, or when I realized my family were all just awful people who left me when I was at my lowest, or when my health kept taking a turn for the worse…but none of those things did it. It was the loss of my dog. That is what broke me. In that brokenness I have learned to look for the light. I have learned to look at the clouds in a completely different way, as a gift. I am no where near feeling healed. But I have faced the demons. I am just trying to bring back the light to as many areas as I can. It may only be for a moment but I will embrace it. The thread finally breaks because the rope that it once was has been chopped at and sawed at and frayed by events far out of our control. I knew the rope was getting thin. It took the final thread to break for me to put the gravity of the events of my life in perspective. I have grown. I demand more, I expect more, and I have boundaries I never knew I would. I have self love and self respect, two things I never even would have looked for. I know I am still broken in many ways. But I do not hide. I expose what I am going through, struggles and victories, because this is real. People need real. This life needs raw and purity. There are far too many people walking around in denial and in denial there will never ever be justice. I stand with others who want to live in the truth. I am blessed to have many standing by my side. 

The problem with darkness.

Managing PTSD during the day is a completely different task than at night. During the day I can step outside. I can smell the flowers and hear the birds. I can search for mindful objects in nature. I can drive my wheelchair until the thoughts and fears and panic has subsided. But as nighttime comes, I just can’t do it anymore. There are no distractions for me. At one point last night I was trying to pinpoint a smell, boiling some cinnamon and cloves on the stove to try and mask the smell then wandering the house aimlessly with the boiling pot until my daughter yelled STOP, GO GET IN BED. Dissociation is awful. I hate that my daughter has to witness it sometimes. It makes me feel horribly guilty that she cannot have a cheery fluffy mom that has no physical illness and no emotional hang ups from years of abuse. At night, sometimes it is what she sees. The imperfections of me. But in that moment I am not thinking of anything. That is the part of dissociation that no one understands. That part of PTSD that no one understands. I’m not worried about what anyone sees or thinks, I am trying to run, escape, find safety, fix the problem, find a solution in a manic state of disillusion It is very complicated. 

But during the day things are easier. 

Yesterday I had to go see the emergency physician working on Sunday. I was extremely thrilled to hear it was a female. I was more put at ease when I heard her laughing frequently while I waited my turn in the waiting room. She was a fantastic woman. When I told her that the Doctors I had seen told me there was nothing they could do about my muscle disease she replied: There is always something to do. She furthered that with the things one could do such as listening to the cardinals, or watching a hawk, or prayer. It was a surreal moment with the Doctor because she was so much like me that I wanted to just hug her and sit with her outside for the rest of the day. I showed her the pictures of my owl. I felt a calm in a moment where I normally would not have because I was in a lot of pain. She was a gift. 

While waiting in the parking lot for my prescriptions I took these photos with my phone. Not the clearest of photos but proof of my ability to stay in the moment, enjoy the moment, live in the moment, and see the beauty, even in a parking lot. I loved watching these birds. I came home feeling positively fine that I have a truckload of health issues, had just been to an emergency physician, and felt physically awful. I felt emotionally fine. But then it got dark out and my scooter smelled of a smell I did not like and the rest is history. 

May you not feel alone in your nighttime darkness and fears. 

Cockroach

Reblog because well she is JUST THAT GOOD!!!

TheFeatheredSleep

lady-insects-3Woman

looked up in to sky

saw there

her future

we are cockroaches

she told her husband that evening at dinner

as he sat trying to eat fast so he could check his messages

annoyed and perpetually irritated with her queries and words

he wished momentarily he could seal her in an Amazon Prime box

and return her with a free print it yourself label

if only marriage were as easy as that to dissolve

okay I’ll take the bait, why are we cockroaches?

he replied eventually with a weary voice, if only to get her to stop

standing with wet hands from washing in the kitchen center

unaware of how absurd and unattractive she was

with her rolled shoulders and sagging bust line

why can’t she look like the girls I subscribe to?

a lazy thought passed behind his eyes as he vainly tried

and failed

to show a…

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The view from down here

I spent two hours on the floor because my leg was in such stabbing pain I couldn’t move. While down there I discovered the lost heart monitor. Hmm, heart rate pretty high on the floor. Oxygen a little low. PROBABLY BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE MY LEG IS DYING!!! But I found the heart monitor that my daughter had lost the day before. And I noticed/wished/ acknowledged the great need for someone, anyone to sweep under the couch. It is criminal under there!

The view down here is interesting. 

Like why have a plant shelf that will just hold non-plants, decorative, materialistic unimportant things, to collect dust. WHYYY I ASK YOU??


I do like my shelves because I love the things on the shelves. Pictures of my daughter jumping horses, shells, stones, little vases, pottery that my daughter made. Not clear pictures because my ipad is resting on my chest.


Seriously, I am still on the floor. My daughter brought me zofran so I didn’t throw up, alcohol to smell so I didn’t pass out, and some ginger to chew on. 

So from this view you see this picture/painting. It is stupid. Like why on earth do we have this hanging! Because it takes up the space on the wall, I liked one of the flowers, and oh right it was free. My old “friend” was trashing it and I snatched that sucker up. The sheet on the couch…my daughter doesn’t want to sit on a dead animal. Her prerogative. We respect each other’s wishes around here.  I do like my little lamp. My mother called it a “”bedroom lamp” whatever the fuck that means. I like the little crystal things hanging off of it. And I LOVE the gourd my friend etched and painted for me for my husband and my, me and my husband, yes, I do not know correct grammar on that one, anniversary. The feather in it is because if you did not know already I LOVE BIRDS!!!!!!


I REALLY AM ON THE FLOOR. TOTALLY NOT KIDDING. BUT NEVER FEAR I AM BEING MONITORED. 


During my monitoring I had a full face make over because, well, what else is there to do and I have a fantastic daughter. If a woman is to lay, lie, or whatever grammar would be THERE on the floor then I suppose she may as well be getting a make over. 

Seriously, I got a make over. We even took a picture! 


I did eventually get off of the floor after wrapping my leg. My daughter took a picture of it. It looks like the size of my calf. My left quad is in serious need of prayers because at this point we have no idea what is causing this to happen. 


Today has been a huge rollercoaster of a day. My leg feeling like it was being stabbed was not as short lived as I had hoped. 

I did look out the back door for 30 seconds to see that my gardenia had bloomed! The one that almost died and was mere sticks, that never blooms past April, and there she was, blooming her little heart out. 

From laying/lying on the floor to looking at and smelling a gardenia. That is a rollercoaster. But…right as I leaned down to take a picture of the gardenia my most favorite little wren sang a song. I recorded it for my friends who are blind and cannot see my pictures. You can hear the wren sing. Right after I stopped recording my sweet owl called out. I’d say the good definitely won for today. 

Must find something good…

I have had 24 hours of relentless anxiety. It is full on PTSD but with an unknown trigger. And my left leg is in unbearable pain. Screaming out pain. Throw up pain. 

I forced myself to leave the house and find something beautiful. Something good. Something that I could focus on for just one minute other than all of this. 

The sky always takes me away. Just for a moment. I will take that moment. And then I came upon vibrant yellow flowers on the  side of the road and a black butterfly. Two black butterflies wrapped up in each other in the air and then landing on the flower then wrapped up in each other in the air then back on the flower. They had a beautiful dance going on. It made me want to dance with my husband. 

And another rock with a flower! I guess I am not the only one in the world who has a rock with a flower growing out of it. It was the palest of pink and so delicate. I actually got up and walked over to it to take the picture. I’m glad I put on shoes which I never do because I cannot walk in them. 




I found some good. I found some beauty. I’ve made it back to my front porch and I am forcing away tears from the pain in my leg.  Must focus on the good. Must focus on the good. 

I think the only thing I CAN do at this point is get back into my owl jammies and call it a day: