Had I known when I got married and had my daughter, that when she was 10 I would be diagnosed with a muscle disease, I look back…I wouldn’t have done anything differently. I have fully loved. I have fully lived. I made my husband and my daughter my priorities. I volunteered to help wounded animals. I volunteered to help the forgotten in nursing homes. I lived in the moment with my husband and daughter, my true family. We were spontaneous! We would drop everything to go horseback riding. We’d drop everything to go swim in the lake. We’d take long walks through the woods and love nature. I have been a good friend to every person who has crossed my path.
I am not in a good place now. My daughter is not in a good place. Our health is chronic, declining, and heartbreaking. I am thankful that I can lay here next to my daughter at 2AM and know that I have no regrets. I have loved these two people more than life itself. I have tried my best to be the mother and wife I always wanted to be and I believe I have succeeded. I’m happy in the fact that my youth was not wasted on living life in a shell or being what society wanted me to be. Being a wife and a mother are the two things I have wanted since I was eight years old. I am proud of those accomplishments. Proud that I knew to appreciate these two phenomenal human beings and to be grateful every moment I have had wtih them.
I have no idea what tomorrow brings. I have not lost faith, I have just become very tired. I hope I am pleasantly surprised at the good things that will come. I have two good things always, my husband and daughter. I seek out other good things and I often only find that kind of good existing in nature and animals, flowers, and strangers. The people I thought I could count on faded away, slipped away, and disappeared long ago. There have been many disappointments and many broken promises by those I felt would never let me down. Yet, God has sprinkled a few people in my life lately that make me feel less alone in this painful health journey that my daughter and I are in. I wish there were more. I am thankful though for what I have.
On my walk today, I stayed out for 2 hours. I took pictures of everything that caught my eye from the sky to the flowers around the neighborhood. Sometimes, these are the only things, aside from my true family, that give me peace.