Last night my husband and I went for an hour walk. A kite (bird) flew above for most of the walk. When we couldn’t see her we could hear her.
It was not a good day. My leg was very painful. I learned that our insurance refused to pay for lidocaine patches (only goes into the muscle and is not systemic) unless I try other medications first. I have no desire to try any more medications and deal with the side affects making things far worse than the actual disease. And for $400 I can have lidocaine patches! Not going to happen. When my leg hurts I feel vulnerable. Vulnerability leads to panic. Panic leads me right back to PTSD. Which is a big jumble of nonsensical manic mess in my brain swirling around. I often snowball.I starting to think about what would happen to my daughter if something happened to me. I am challenged physically yes, but I can push my body to the brink to take care of her. No one has been an integral part of our daily life since she got sick 3 years ago. I have many friends and supportive people in my life but no one knows the day to day happenings and what it takes to care for her. I had a panic. Who will take care of her if I don’t make it?! Really not a good place to go. Muscle disease and PTSD are just plain and simply a bad mix. I usually don’t let myself even GO there. Logically, I made a list of people that could help her if need be and I went on my walk to focus on the good. Find the good. Focus on the good. Get out of your PTSD panic brain. That was my intention. The only way out of a snowball, for me, is to set an intention on something else. We went for a walk.
Then the kite joined us. The kite immediately pulled me back from manic to peace. Just watching her was so peaceful. You are probably thinking there is a cap on kite pictures. Nope. There isn’t. I’m posting many because she was just awesome. I never saw her flap her wings. She just soared one way and then the next way. Her tail barely turned and she would angle sharply left or sharply right. She flew in a perfect circle over our head with her beautiful bird call the entire way. She seemed to just take me away from everything and I just felt and thought about her.
I discovered a few flowers, a mushroom growing out of a tree, and the sky. Always the sky. My top two favorite pictures on our walk were this purplish pink flower. It was right outside the door. I have not planted this flower in many many years. It just decided, hey, I will grow again. All by it self. Just a happy little flower. Then this bug. I have no idea what this bug is. He has brown wings and a blue back. Maybe he is a moth? Do moths eat nectar? He spent a lot of time sipping nectar out of one of my other flowers. I was thankful he sat long enough to pose for me before flying away.