Poetry

Am I dead?

No, my inner voice said.

My thumb is resting on my neck.

I feel my heart beat as I stare at the wall.

How long have I been here?

I know before this I tried to call.

Is anyone coming?

The dryer is thumping with the robe.

Thump thump,

Thump thump,

So loudly it is consuming my very being.

Out of one eye one tear streams. 

I can hear myself breathe

 In rhythm with the dryer.

Every other thump I exhale.

My bony knees hitting each other

So painful, so frail.

Why does nobody notice I am here?

The robe! When will the dryer stop!

Sweat drips down my shoulder.

And the air conditioner just makes me

Colder. I shiver again and shake. 

Someone turn off the dryer!

My eyes are burning.

When was the last time 

I blinked.

I hear a moan.

Did it come from my mouth?

I cannot think

I cannot complete a thought.

Where am I? 

Is this home?

Am I dead?

I just don’t know.

I feel my cracked lips 

Start to bleed. 

Another seizure 

has paralyzed me.

I’m alive.

But I don’t want to be.

35 thoughts on “Poetry

  1. Pingback: Poetry By Bethany K – The Militant Negro™

      • My heart goes out to you!
        It has been many years of struggle for her but she finally found a new doctor five years ago who got her onto the right medicine so she hasn’t had one for five years. It’s amazing.
        How often do you have them, if you don’t mind me asking?

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      • Oh I am so so glad! My brain is kind of mush for 24 hours after. I have been struggling with them for about 12 years now. I will be fine for long periods of time and then every night while I am sleeping I will have them. I woke up yesterday not knowing. My dog used to alert me but he passed away so it is a guessing game. I was nauseous and feeling confused but I also was very sleep deprived. Should have known. I have partial petite seizures. I have only had one grand mal seizure. It’s odd because for a few days after time kind of stands still. Even today is a bit of a blur. I have had a hard time with all of the medications. I have bad reactions to each of them due to my bone and muscle disease. So I’m supposed to take a valium if I feel one coming. Well that is impossible now that my dog is gone. It’s complicated and frustrating. Thank you for asking/ i really appreciate it

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      • Oh I am so sorry you have to go through this. I do understand, well as much as an outsider can. My sister started having hers when she was only about 12 and I was 6. So I learnt early on about the signal and what to do. I grew up pretty fast looking out for her…she was having grand mals from the get go, she was having about 12 a day in the early stages. It was terribly scary for the whole family.
        This new doctor found she was actually overdosing on her medication and when they finally got the dosages right, it made such a difference. she uses valium too. It’s amazing the kindness of strangers though, isn’t it? she has met some amazing people through all of this, when she has been alone.
        I really feel for you! I am so sorry to hear about your dog, are you able to get another one?
        You will be in my prayers ❤

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      • Oh thank you so much for adding me to your prayers. I so appreciate that. That kind of kindness I always remember.
        That must have been awful to watch your sister go through that, scary! Finally to have a doctor to help her must feel like a miracle. Grand mal seizures that many a day is just horrifying. Just that one grand mal seizure I had it took me months to recover from. I think it was about 6 months ago now. They had to pound my body with IV fluids because my muscles produced to much lactic acid and it was dangerous. I can’t remember what it was called. But I felt like, not myself, for months.
        I have such health issues now, that the problem is, I cannot go through the training to get a new dog because I can’t drive to the trainings every day for the few months that are required. It’s very devastating to have lost him for a thousand reasons more than just the seizure. I miss him terribly and it’s been a year now.

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  2. Beautiful piece. I love this picture. I love you and I’m so proud of you for writing about your struggles. I’m so sorry you had a seizure. I know people who have had them and they are not fun. I love you and I’m here for you. I’m sending you all the love, comforting, and healing vibes that I can and a huge ass hug!!

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  3. I’m sorry. I didn’t know I haven’t been keeping up with all my reading lately. Hopeful you get back to yourself as soon as possible. If there’s anything I can do from here to help. Let me know.

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  4. Oh Bethany I missed this. You articulate so well what it felt like but I’m so sorry that happened to you. Gosh all that commenting back and forth with you tonight, I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.

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