Transferring of the tribe.

Today is Day One. 


If a person gets food poisoning and they go home and are violently ill vomitting, would it be appropriate to tell that person, ” Get over it already! You’ve been throwing up long enough!” No, that would be absurd. After I got my leg biopsy and my leg had a ton of stitches would it have been appropriate to the next day say to me, ” Just walk on the leg already! You’ve rested it long enough. Get over it, it was just a leg biopsy and some stitches.” No, that would be absurd. If a person is in a wheelchair because they have MS or muscular dystrophy would it be appropriate to say, ” Come on, just get up and walk already. Get over it. I’m sure you could try harder and do it.” NO, ofcourse not. 

It seems pretty logical what to say and what not to say to someone who has a circumstance completely out of their control, right? You would not tell someone with cancer to just get over their cancer any more than you would tell someone who had just lost their mother to just get over it. These things are so outrageously absurd that no one would think to say them. And yet these same things are said to those recovering from sexual abuse, domestic abuse, and PTSD all the time. ” let it go,” or ” get over it,” or ” we don’t want to talk about that anymore,” or ” why don’t you just move forward.” 

The words said to an abuse victim are often isolating and revictimizing. It just wasn’t enough that we had to make it through the abuse, now we have to make it through everyone else who doesn’t want to deal with the abuse, even if it didn’t happen to them. So we feel alone on an island. You’ve got cousin[fill in the blank] mocking you for being “raw.” You’ve got mom telling you that no one wants to hear about these details. You’ve got uncle {fill in blank} calling a family meeting to discuss the fact that no one must discuss this topic any longer. Everyone is coming at you from all angles. Arrows are flying at you from all directions. Insults and blame all hurled at you. So you end up on your island. Alone. You are silenced all because of abuse you did not choose but you aren’t allowed to feel or discuss.

Then you get on wordpress. You see all of these individuals with hearts and souls that will reach out and give support and love and compassion and empathy. Strangers willing to give you what those right next to you cannot and will not. The more love that is given on WordPress blogs, the more those others are put into a different perspective. This causes a transformation. A shift. A turning point. Those who have hurt you are no longer allowed to hurt you. They have lost their power. Those who love you are taking over and you are embracing that. 

This is called the transferring of the tribe. 

We were born into a family. Each of us were born into a family. A family that was supposed to protect us, love us, and fight for us nomatter what. For many  of us on wordpress, that did not happen. I have read thousands of blogs and their stories are so much like mine. Their struggle, abandonment, loss, abuse, emotions, all are like mine. I began to feel less isolated.  I had a huge understanding of this today. I have been reading a mother’s blog over at https://tryingtimes2017.wordpress.com/2017/07/17/anonymity-was-partly-for-them/.  Her daughter was sexually assaulted. She responded like every  mother should have responded. She did everything humanly possible to give her daughter unconditional love, support, a safe place to express her emotions, a safe place to heal and recover. She fought for her daughter and is still fighting for her. Her daughter matters and she is making sure her daughter knows that. She did just what I would do for my daughter. My daughter is physically ill and has been for almost 4 years now. My heart is broken over her illness. My day revolves around how to make her more comfortable, loved, safe, fought for. This is just for an illness. I know the mother at tryingtimes hurts in her soul when her child is suffering. I hurt in my soul as my child suffers. A mother’s love should be so profound. I read the blog at tryingtimes and I thought about my own feelings toward my daughter and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My mother didn’t fight for me. My mother didn’t embrace me. My mother’s soul is not suffering over me. If it were, she would be laying next to me right now. But she isn’t. Do you know why?

My mother and my family put their pride before and above and beyond their hearts. Pride won. I did not. Not with them at least. When you are in the thick of it with your family and they have shrouded you with shame and blame and silence and persecution…YOU BELIEVE IT. I BELIEVED IT. I let them manipulate me into thinking I was the one with the problem. I was not. The abuser had the problem, my family perpetuated it by not putting me first. 

Therefore, today is Day One. 

My original family is NOT my tribe. 

Today is Day One of my new tribe. 

My original family can continue to live in their lies and their shame, but that cloak is no longer over my shoulders. I did not ask to be molested. I did not want to be molested. I do not want to have PTSD. These were things done to me against my will and not my choice any more than getting food poisoning would have been my choice. In my new tribe no one tells me to ” get over it,” or ” let it go,” because my new tribe understands that recovery from abuse is not linear and has no time stamp. They are there unconditionally. 

I looked at the amount of comments on my blog today. I looked at the views I had. For every negative remark my “family” ever made, there are 300 positive supportive comments on my blog. Our tribe, made up of survivors of abuse on wordpress, is far greater than the insensitive, inhumane, hateful comments from a family that only cares about keeping their secrets. They no longer carry any weight here. 

You all are my tribe. 

We have each other. We know each other. We understand each other. We know the struggles and the fight and the victories and the pitfalls and we are there unconditionally for each other. I see it every day on wordpress and I am blessed and full of gratitude for it. 

There are tons of support groups out there. I am claiming this day as Day One of our tribe on wordpress  support system. We are not in this alone. We are nolonger standing alone. We are nolonger on an island. We nolonger need to listen or even have the voices of those against us rattling around in our brain. 

Today is Day One of my new tribe. The first day of the rest of my life. May our tribe continue to be strong in its great number of fighters, voices which will not be silenced, and unconditional love as a force far greater than our enemies. May we stand strong together and know, we will never be in this alone again. 

40 thoughts on “Transferring of the tribe.

  1. Dear dear Bethany: THANK YOU. I am working up my courage to stand up for myself in my family (of blood). Being with My Bloggy Family helps A MILLION. May I call you Sister??? May I send hugs to my Niece Riley? In my heart. TS

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    • You helped me. You are not alone. You are right here with me inspiring me with the love you have for your daughter, with a mothering I could have only wished for. You are in my tribe with your daughter. I’m right here.

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  2. YOU are important. Sophia is important. You not alone, Yvette. You and Sophia are both part of This Marvelous Family of people who have survived the unspeakable and speak truth and comfort to the rest of the Marvelous Family on some days, and take truth and comfort on other days. Take as needed. This Tribe is rich in wisdom, courage and love. I am proud and joyous to have found and be accepted by all of you. TS

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    • Sweet sweet friend. It is ok!!! This is the place to be real and honest in your suffering. Don’t ever apologize!!!! We are all here to hold your hand. Please know you matter and never apologize for being real. You never have to do that here.

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  3. I feel
    Like I am suffocating . My daughter broke up with her boyfriend today because she doesn’t feel worthy because she feels
    Like she’s making him pay for every bad mans mistakes. Because I allowed her an her sister to trust my mom again she’s paying for that mistake. It’s my fault she was put in that situation. To thrown 3 years backwards to feel worthless after all that work she’s done.

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    • Your daughter needs more time to heal. Maybe the boyfriend wasn’t part of the healing plan right now. Sometimes we have to work through this without having to worry about a partner. She is worthy but until she feels worthy then maybe possibly it is ok she is not with him so she can work on her own self worth?
      As mothers we make mistakes. You could not foresee what happened. She will feel worth again when she gets those other people’s words our of her head and is filled with the voices of the love of you. It will be ok. Breathe. Sleep. Tomorrow will be better. It just will.

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  4. This was so inspiring – Thanks! It was exactly what I needed to hear. I like to listen to Broken Angel by Boyce Avenue when I am triggered and remember how my x-family (X=crossed out of my life) treated me. The verse “the blood in your veins as it carried his name, turns thinner than water” sums up how I feel towards them. Stay brave BethanyK 🙂 You’re awesome.

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    • Ok I’m going to ponder this today..the name. I was just commenting to someone else on this post that it is a tribe of people who can love unconditionally and empathetically. That is the most important part. Not necessarily where we came from but who we choose to surround ourself with from now on. Day One of choosing those who love us instead of those who do not.

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  5. So much of what you say is true… but I have M.S. (been dx’d for more than 20 years) and people still tell me I just need to exercise or build myself up. I think all people react that way when they don’t understand, and people more than anything don’t understand Invisible Chronic Illness like M.S. or PTSD. Just my experience. Welcome to the tribe none of us wanted to join. ❤

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    • I know! You’re right! People tell me the same. If I ate a hamburger maybe my muscles wouldn’t be so bad. Um yeah it’s a genetic disease so a hamburger won’t help. I think the comments will come for anyone and everyone. I thought about that after I wrote it. I’m so sorry people say those things to you and think it is ok. It is So NOT ok.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I would more say this is a tribe of those who can love and give empathy unconditionally. Unlike the tribe I was born in to. No necessarily a tribe I was stuck in due to abuse. The abuse did show the true colors of my original family which has allowed me to find others who know how to love beyond borders and beyond blood in a way my family has never done

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  6. This hit the proverbial nail on the head! LOVE your words. It sucks to realize that your family put everything and everyone above you and your well being….I too know that feeling. But isn’t it amazing to meet your tribe? The ones you never have to question, those are the ones we all need to hold close. Thank you for your honesty. It helps me to know I am never alone.

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