If I could only stop dreaming!

I used to love dreaming. I used to dream of my Nana and picnics. I used to dream that I lived with Native American Indians every night. I used to dream that I could see and visit loved ones that passed away. I don’t dream those dreams anymore. My dreams have turned to nightmares. Reminders. I don’t want reminders. I don’t know why they come. Are they being purged? If so then why do I need repeaters? Something I need to face? Well frankly I am tired of facing new old things. Really, my plate overfloweth with garbage from that past that is being sifted through and discarded. New things really upset me. Last night I had a dream that I was in the hospital and desperately needed a ride home. Everyone from my past, my family, my friends, were all playing football in the hospital waiting room as if I wasn’t even there needing to be taken home after surgery. That stupid seemingly meaningless dream morphed into the truth about my past. I was so in need of help and everyone was just acting out their lives around me oblivious. Completely oblivious. This dream took me to the truth that I really am quite tired of remembering. One event that was especially bothersome.

I became sick when I was 18 years old. It was when my doctors now think that I contracted Lyme disease because I had also Rocky Mountain spotted fever. At that time I had quit working as a professional waterskiier and moved in with my boyfriend to get away from the lake and the memories of the childmolester ski coach. When I got sick I was very much alone. I was very very sick. I had extreme weakness and vertigo. That spring break my brother had come home from college with his college friend and my dad wanted us to go to the beach. Or maybe it was senior spring break. Funny, I don’t recall. I missed my senior year of highschool being in a mental hosptial and all. So my time frame, much to my family’s dismay is always a little off. My facts are always correct. But the year and the exact time is sometimes off. Abuse and PTSD can affect time. They don’t know that because they are selfish pricks. Anyway, I was so sick but dad didn’t really acknowledge that. He insisted I go to the beach with them and so I did. I remember two things about that trip. My dad asking me to go down to the beach where he and my brother and his friend were playing football. That was the first. It took all the strength I had to walk down to that beach. I sat down and almost immediately my dad and brother and friend tossed the football in my direction, one of them caught it and fell on top of me and hurt me. I started to cry but no one cared. They were so into what they were doing they were oblivious to me. Just like in my dream. I walked up to the hotel. I didn’t matter. The second thing I remember is the hot tub. I didn’t bring a bathing suit because I knew I was too sick to get in the water. They all wanted me to get in the hot tub. I did. I was so obedient to every one else’s wishes. I got into the hot tub. I felt immediately sick. They had been drinking alcohol. I stood up and my dad immediately drug his finger down the front of my shirt and in between my breasts and commented that I was not wearing a bra. They were all drunk. I am sure if you asked any of them they won’t remember. I do. I didn’t matter. At 18 years old, not even living at home, I was repeatedly brought back in and shown that I did not matter. 

My dad, brother, entire family are all gone now. Not dead. Just no longer in my life all of their own choosing except my father. I ended my relationship with my father. The family just chose to side with him. But I ended it with him. I couldn’t let him disappointment me anymore and I couldn’t go on with these lies about the past eating at me. The truth had to be told . They don’t like the truth. Never have. I told the truth at 43 years of age and poof they were gone. My dreams just remind me that I should have been the one to poof them out of my life long long ago. I was unable to though. I didn’t see them for who they were. I was molded, brainwashed, and weak. 

I don’t want to remember them. I don’t want to fall asleep and be reminded of how many people let me fall and stepped on me when I was down there. I don’t want to dream anymore. 

I do have a plan though. I plan to discuss these dreams in therapy. Perhaps, if I go back to that time while I am awake, and choosing, I can create a new image. Perhaps I can save myself, punch my father in the face, choose not to go to the beach at all, had a voice. Perhaps in doing that I can give my body and mind what it never got before, validation, love, respect, and I will stop dreaming. It’s worth a shot. I don’t have much control over what happens in my dreams. It is helpless there. Which seems so unfair! I’m going to try and change that. I can only hope that facing each thing that comes up in my dreams head on will make them disappear. 

21 thoughts on “If I could only stop dreaming!

  1. …I could relate to so much of what you said in this post,,Especially the feeling of ‘I did not matter’.PTSD dreams are so real and awful..I have been having these types of dreams almost every night at the moment..Waking up distressed, anxious..seeing both my parents..their anger, their coldness..It is truly horrible that our mind won’t let us forget..I am sorry this is the same for you. 😦 Sending you many hugs.. ❤

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    • It leaves a residue! I wake up and am like ughhhhhh now I have THIS on top of all of THAT.
      It has taken a long time to address and accept that I did not matter and work on loving myself in the areas that no one else did. I had to first accept that I really just didn’t matter to start working on the fact that I DO.
      I’m so sorry you are dealing with the same type of dreams. They really are terrible. Now I have sleep anxiety! I just don’t want to go to sleep because of the unknown. So tonight I thought I would write all of the blogs that have been in my mind the last few weeks, I would put them all down and hope that others understood. Thank you for understanding!

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  2. Bethany
    You are a beautiful woman- inside and out. You need to live in the present. You have a beautiful girl, a loving husband- much more than many in your past life may have today. It is easy for me to say this, you may think but believe me I can understand what you are going through and I pray for you whenever I think of you, which is quite often.
    I feel you need to take the bible and seek its truth. Focus on your current life and your future life- if at all those people have only destroyed your physical body. They couldn’t take your brain, or your soul or your spirit.
    I am a Christian too but only now – at 48 am I truly reading the bible, with a child like curiosity. I suggest you talk to God , to Jesus and ask your questions to him- you will get your answers and peace. These dreams will not haunt you and they shouldn’t. I will pray for your healing if you will allow me to and you will open your mind to allow God to come in.
    With all sincerity and love,
    Susie

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    • I have a few questions I would like to ask you out of true curiosity. 1. Do you think I am not doing my best through mindfulness and through therapy to live in the present moment? 2. Do you know my relationship with God? 3. Do you know if I have Jesus in my heart already? 4. Do you know how often I read the bible? 5. Do you believe those who have Jesus in their hearts will no longer have bad dreams or PTSD?
      I ask these questions sincerely. I would like to know if you know these answers

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      • Bethany,
        I know that our Lord loves you. I know that he led you through these experiences so you could be a living witness for others. I think the answer to question 1, would be yes, I think you are doing your best to live in the moment- your daily walks and looking out for new things are testimony.
        2. I am sure your relationship with God is strong and that is why I had the audacity to write to you.
        3. I think you must have Jesus in your heart from your own writing.
        4. About how often you read the Bible, I can guess that you do read it all the time.
        5. I think those who have Jesus in their heart will still continue to hurt and ask Why me Lord .
        Susie

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      • Great! That is what I was hoping!
        I sleep with my bible and I read it every single morning when I wake up and other times I am led throughout the day. I have plaques and scriptures of my favorite verses all over my house. My relationship with God is very strong. It always has been and always will be. It is very personal and I feel God’s presence throughout my days and my life.
        I also embrace and respect other’s religions as I am an ordained chaplain and I have prayed for many with faith that were in their final stages of life. 1/2 of my family are Jewish. 1/2 of my family are christian. I do not judge anyone for their religious choices and I believe we should love and accept those who believe like us and who do not. I love all people of all races, gay, straight, transgender…I never have and never will discriminate.
        Jesus and I are BFFs and that will not change. He has always been in my heart and always will be. Having him in my heart does not take away my diagnosises or ease my PTSD suffering. BUT I do know that I am not alone.
        I will end this by saying that I appreciate any and all prayers that you can send my way!

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      • I will Bethany. Let me confess when I saw your message, my heart sank, thinking you were offended at what I wrote. Then my reaction was to hide and not respond and then I thought and prayed and wrote the reply. I will continue to uphold you in prayers and appreciate that you accept people of all types in your tribe.
        Susie

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      • No on the contrary I was simply interested in your thought process and what you felt of me and it was my hope that you knew what was already in my heart. I am very glad you prayed about it and responded in such a kind and gentle way to help show me that you truly do care about me and that you do really know me like I thought you did.
        I accept everyone in my tribe! We can all learn so much from each other and lift each other up in ways that I have found others cannot. We are a truly blessed group here. I appreciate your honest answer and thank you for taking the time to message me and pray for me. I really do love knowing that there are those out there who I remain in their heart and they think to pray for me. It is very comforting.

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  3. I have had dreams for many years. It is good to talk about them in therapy and I think changing the dream in your conscious mind will help. A great idea. For years I dreamed my father was driving a bus with me sitting beside me. He look crazed and was careening around the road. After a long time in therapy, I dreamed I was driving the bus all by myself. I knew that was a break-through.

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  4. After reading this and being reminded of some of the things you went through, I might change my previous comment that hoped for some reconciliation with your family.
    Of course you would cooperate with what the family unit was pressuring you to do by getting in the hot tub. Who wouldn’t? Everyone wants family and to be part of it.
    You are not the problem because you didn’t say no. Your Dad was for pressuring you. And then his disturbing behavior with the finger down your chest and the leering comment.
    They have denied their cowardly behavior when you were being sexually attacked by the ski monster. They looked away because they felt so good about their son’s involvement and achievements.
    Rather than admit their responsibility and beg forgiveness with true sorrow, they bring you down, treat you badly, and humiliate you bullies do. Tom was the same with a lifetime of belittling that caused much damage.
    And the dreams. I went through a period not long ago where I dreamed of family members or woke and though about them. The instinct for family, for tribe, is part of survival. These periods may still come and go. It is a yearning that arises when our defenses are down during the sleep hours. But some families are just not safe. They never get their ‘shit’ together.

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    • This is so sweet. I just replied to your other comment saying that they hate me so I know that will never happen but you just had some good affirmations that what they feel isn’t even the point it is their actions that make me better off staying away from THEM. So thank you.
      Tom was a lot like them. It just wore me down to bare threads.
      My family would not be safe for me you are right.
      Hopefully the dreams will just go. Hopefully it is a process that I am dreaming of as I go through therapy and work on letting them go and it is just natural.
      I also think you are right that there is a yearning for family as a primal instinct.
      Just can’t be that family any more.
      Thank you Patricia. I really appreciated this

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  5. Thanks for sharing these dream experiences. I don’t have any personal experience with what you’ve been through nor your struggles in the present. So, I have no advice to offer – my gift to you. I’m glad you’re talking these things out with a professional and that you are determined to address your own needs first. I hope the sleep issue is resolved soon. I guess I’m blessed – I rarely remember my dreams.

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  6. My heart breaks as I read this. I’m so sorry. You’re family are pricks. I hate them. I can’t stand them. I’m so glad you are speaking to them and they are not in your life. They don’t deserve to be. I am so you have Lyme Disease and that you had Rocky Mountain spotted fever. I’m so sorry you have these terrible dreams/nightmares. I think you should talk about in therapy. I think that would be a great help to you. You never know what it could do for you. It could free you from having these nightmares and dreams at night. I’ve had nightmares and dreams, but nothing like what you have described. I wouldn’t wish that on your or anyone not even my worst enemy. I love you. I’m so proud of you and I’m always here for you. I love you!

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    • Oh I talk about everything in therapy. We have touched on my dreams before but not lately. We take the highest stress thing that is the most pressing and we address that first. So the dream thing takes a back seat. But I think it has moved forward so we need to talk about that this week. Thank you for being here for me!!!

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      • That’s awesome. Therapy can be very helpful. I think having the right therapist is a big help. It sounds like you have a great therapist. Well I can understand that. I think talking about the highest stress thing is important, but I agree I think it has moved forward. I’m so proud of you. You are so welcome. Thank you for being there for me.

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  7. I’m sorry you have been dreaming in such a negative way. I must say, donyou see that healing that work you have done on your own!!?? It’s there where you recognize the events that it was referencing. Twanda!!! You did that on your own!!!! Without your therapist. Celebrate that feat because that is so huge and impactful!!! I have to say that dreams have been difficult for me to over come as well, every time you write I understand Sophia so much more. You enable me empathy and continuing love and patience in her healing.

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    • Thank you!
      I appreciate you!
      What you are doing for Sophia is powerful towards her healing. The empathy and patience. I said it before and I will say it again…I wish I had a mother just like you. She is so fortunate.
      As mothers we do the best we can right! You and I, as mothers, do what we can for our daughters to the best of our ability. Not everyone can say that!

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