*graphic sexual abuse detail trigger warning.
*photograph of me looking in the mirror by me
“Such shameful things should not be spoken of,” she said.
“You don’t need to tell everyone the nitty gritty of what happened to you,” he said.
“No one wants to know the details of the abuse,” they said.
“You are tarnishing the family name,” she said.
“You are making us look bad,” he said.
“You are going to hell for what you have said,” the wife of the man who abused me said.
I DID NOT CHOOSE TO BE ABUSED! THE DETAILS OF THAT ABUSE ARE NOT MY SHAME. THEY LIE ON THE MEN THAT COMMITED THE HEINOUS ACTS AGAINST ME!!!
Abuse was inflicted upon me. It started when I was a very young girl. The man that took me skiing every afternoon on our lake, took me to his house and abused me first. This happened for years. He made me feel ashamed. He made me feel small. He made me feel unworthy of love without hurt. He molded my brain by repeated sexual abuse. I was rubbed around on his penis, layed on top of, touched repeatedly sexually, and forced to watch porn. He groomed me to be his victim. I was trapped in his web. He silenced me. It would take me 30 years to find my voice again. I was shamed into silence by him.
A friend of his abused me during the same time. I was 14 years old. He made me pull out his penis and I was unable to say no. I was frozen. I was petrified. I was ashamed. I just a child still. I wanted to be a child still. He took that away from me. The moment he grabbed my hand. The moment he ordered me and I was unable to say no to him, he took the rest of my childhood. The inability to say no was programmed. The inability to say no was fear based and trauma inflicted and trauma induced. I could not speak.
That same year I was sexually abused at a ski school by another friend of the man on my lake. They were all connected to the waterskiing world. Three men had sexually abused me before my 15th birthday and I was overtaken by shame.
All I knew was abuse and shame. I felt dirty. I felt used. I felt like I would rather be dead more often than not as the years went on. During my late teenage years, when men showed interest in me I jumped at the chance to experience something other than abuse. I was so conditioned to be silent though that I fell into abusive relationships that I ended up being trapped in time and time again.
I had a guy friend during those late teen years. He thought I was a virgin. He wanted to take that from me. I thought I could take back myself by controlling what happened with him. He offered me a large sum of money for my virginity. I needed the money to pay my bills. I was so sick and living off of ramen noodles that I just wanted to pay my bills and be taken out to dinner. I allowed him to have sex with me for a price. I thought the price was me regaining back control over my body. I was clearly not a virgin due to all of the previous years of abuse. He thought I was though. He thought I had worth because of my virginity. He wanted to take that. I thought by being in control of this decision I could regain my choice of my body. I thought I had to say yes. I had never said no. I thought yes would mean my choice. Yes was not yes. He knew it and I knew it. I had just sold myself and it was a shame that would not be washed off for a long time.
I searched for love. I wanted to be loved with no strings attached and no shame. I wanted love that did not involve feeling used. Loved beyond physical. I did not find that kind of love. The boyfriend that I had at 23 years old was the worst. He put a ring on my finger to ensure the use of me. He got to me after 11 years of constant sexual abuse. He came in at my weakest moment and took the last parts of me. Someone recently asked me if I wrote about domestic abuse. I naively said no. I wrote about sexual abuse. I had not come to accept what had happened to me with my fiancé of a year when I was 23. I would like to change my answer to yes. I do write about domestic abuse… now.
He gave me the greatest shame. If there is a shame greater than another. By the time he got to me I had given up. I allowed him to use my body in some of the most vile ways I had never even heard of. I couldn’t say no. I never said no. He used every square inch of my body at will. I was at his disposal at all times. That is all I ever knew. I had never known the idea of love without suffering. I love you always meant harm to my body. He said he loved me. He also caused great suffering. He was fixated on feces. He enjoyed pooping on me. I just lay there. He was also into sodomizing. Something I had never had happen in sexual abuse before. I thought domestic abuse was being hit or beaten or berated. I just never thought of being bent over a table and sodomized as domestic abuse. I never said no. I never said no to anyone. I never said no when I was 11. I never said no when I was 14. I never said no when I was 18. I never said no when I was 23. I took on the shame of everything everyone of those men did to me because I felt because I never said no that it was my shame. I didn’t say no but he knew perfectly well what he was doing to me. He was pathological. He was a sociopath. He had no real feelings just his sexual urges and how often he could use me to satisfy those at a great cost to my body and my soul.
I felt such guilt and such shame for all of these years of abuse. That was before. This is now.
I know now I could not have said no when I was 11. I was conditioned. I was silenced. I did not have a chance to say no. That man worked on manipulating me for years. By the time he was finished with me, “no” was not in my vocabulary. I will NOT feel shame for what a 60 year old man did to me as a child! That shame lies solely on him.
The man that abused me at ski school was in his late 20’s. He came to me in my sleep and layed on top of me. Woke me up with his tongue in my mouth. I was only 14. I was scared. I was horrified. I could not say no. I shouldn’t have had to. I was just a child. I will NOT feel shame for what he did to me. The shame lies on him.
The friend of the original abuser who made me touch him when I was 14. He was in his 30’s. He trapped me. Grabbed my hand. I was frozen. I could not speak. I didn’t know what he was going to do. What was going to happen to me now? I was alone in another country at the mercy of this man. I will NOT feel shame for what he did to me as a child. That shame lies on him.
These men are predators. They preyed upon me. The shame lies on them.
The fear stays with me in the form of hundreds of PTSD triggers. I am working on that. Getting rid of the shame was the first step.
For years I felt I did deserve shame for allowing a man to have sex with me for money. Until now. He knew I had been abused. He knew how fragile I was. He also was willing to pay money for my virginity. He is deplorable. He is disgusting. ALL of the shame lies on that predator. As he was having sex with me I never moved. I cried. I lay there and cried. He did not stop. He simply finished and put money on the table next to me. I was desperate. He took advantage of that. A man willing to pay his “friend” for her virginity is an abomination to human kind. I no longer feel shame for allowing him to pay me for sex. All of the shame lies on him.
My fiancé. He was a sexual deviant. He liked to have sex with anything. Fruit. Holes in the wall. It did not matter to him. He also allowed his brother to watch. There was a secret place in the door where he let his brother watch. When we moved in together and he knew there was no one to curtail his behavior. His violence and repulsive behavior escalated. I had no idea how to get out. I knew that he would kill me in the end. Not physically. Mentally. I knew that what he was doing to my body physically would eventually end my life. I had given up. When he would wake me up and force himself on me I just lay there and took it. I thought it would stop. It didn’t. He would go on for hours. He damaged my body. You don’t imagine that your fiancé will rape you. Mine did. Does the shame lie on me for not fighting him and telling him no? It does not. The shame lies on him. He knew what he was doing. He knew that this is not what I wanted. The words did not need to be spoken to any of these men. That is just another way to blame women and children in their inability to speak. No. I will not allow that to continue. A child or woman’s inability to tell a man no while he is assaulting her does not make it her fault. The man committing the act holds all accountability for the shameful acts HE has committed. Lack of voice is not an open door to a child’s body or anyone else’s.
All of the sexual abuse commited against me was just that. Sexual abuse. It was not consentual. I did not consent. I was a victim of repeated sexual abuse. I was unable to consent. They KNEW that. They knew exactly what they were doing. Pedophiles and sex offenders know wha they are doing. They will trick you into thinking it was your fault, you were to blame, or you should have said no. It wasn’t your fault. Ever. Listen to me when I say this. Get their lies and their words out of your head. Listen to my words when I say that it was never your fault.
These are a few men that have violated my body. I share these words and as I do it pains me. It hurts my actual body to remember. My body remembers. Every part of me remembers. They are hard words to speak and write. Predators do not want the truth of what they do to be told. Social media is afraid to tell the details of sexual trafficking which is essentially what happened to me. My family does not want me to speak of these details. They have even blamed me for some of them. Society does not want to hear these words. They don’t want to hear rape, sodomy, sexual deviant, rapist, child molester. Ouch. The words hurt to hear. Put them on the face of an 11 year old girl and no one wants to know these details. In this silence the bad guys keep their power. We regain our power. We take back our power by using our voice to release THEIR secrets and THEIR shame.
I was sexually abused when I was 11 years old. That is when it all began. He destroyed my innocence, my free will, my self esteem, my self worth, and my essential sense of self. After him there were predators just sitting in wait for me. There are many predators out there. For those of us who have been through an entire childhood of sexual abuse, I can only speak for myself, I was an easy target. And that is not my fault.
Lets keep the blame where it should be, on the predator.
Nothing was my fault. I may not have said “no” but I didn’t need to. Each of these men knew they were committing horrific crimes against me. They knew it and they enjoyed it.
They are predators. I cannot say it enough times. All of the shame lies on them. They are shameful criminals.
It took me until I was 43 years old to speak the full truth of the things that have happened to me. Those men threatened me and used fear to silence me. I am not afraid of them anymore. I am not afraid of family who blames me. I am not afraid of any of THEM. I am working on recovery. I am striving to heal from traumatic abuse every single day. It started with me breaking the silence.
These men I have spoken of are now in my past. Unfortunately, the years of repeated trauma as a child caused severe PTSD. I have learned through therapy that PTSD and “freezing” and “dissociation” that began as a child carried through to the other abuses. The dissociative states of PTSD happened every time abuse occurred. Therapy has helped me to understand why I could never say no and how I lost my voice as a young child. I am regaining my voice. I am speaking the truth. I am setting boundaries. I am saying “NO”. I have rebuilt my self worth. I have learned self love. I have taken back what was taken from me all of those years ago. I am here now to share my story so that we can come together as survivors and let go of the shame that was put on us.
I have been married now for over 20 years. I have learned what true love is. I have learned what true love means. I have been loved. I know love. In true love there is no suffering. My husband has allowed me a safe 20 years to heal and know what being loved is supposed to be.
I no longer feel shame for what others have done to me.
I no longer feel silenced by what others have done to me.
I look into the mirror and I know…This is NOT MY SECRET.
I look into the mirror and I know. This is NOT MY SHAME.
Release the shame. Put it back on the perpetrator. It was never yours to begin with.