So I sit. 

So here I sit in a waiting room. My daughter had a 2:30 Doctor’s appointment. I have therapy at 3:00. My husband is our only driver. So I am sitting here for 45 minutes in the waiting room until my 50 minute therapy appointment. My daughter’s Doctor appointment will most likely be 3 hours. So I plan on driving my scooter through this neighborhood behind my therapist’s office and to some restaurants to get something to eat so I don’t have to spend a total of 3 hours here in this therapy office. I’ve never just driven my motorized scooter out and about other than my neighborhood. I will take pictures along the way. I brought a towel, garbage bags to cover my scooter, a jacket, an umbrella, water, protein bar. All the things one must think of when out alone in a motorized scooter for 3 hours. I stayed up most of the night last night. I was thinking of how absolutely alone I am. I didn’t allow the tears to come. I fear if they come then I will not be able to ever stop them. There is a sob that is just sitting under the surface. Having PTSD and multiple chemical sensitivities on top of this muscle disease makes things complicated. I needed a ride. I needed a ride from someone who would respect me and not wear cologne. I needed someone without an air freshener in the car so I did not have to vomit before my 3 hour outing right now. I asked. I called. No one was available. Circumstances have led me to needing a ride every other Tuesday if I want to continue going to trauma therapy. I have offered to pay someone who is willing to simply not wear cologne or put an air freshener in their car. I have not found anyone yet…

When someone hears my story of abuse I always hear “ Let me at him! If I could only get my hands on that man.” As if someone would actually do something. Actions. I rarely see them. I hear a LOT what someone WOULD do.I lay awake last night and thought of my best friend Laura who passed away. As she was going through chemo she would call and ask if when in town I needed anything. She is gone now. No one calls and asks if I need anything. They KNOW. Everyone knows my situation. They know I am taking care of my daughter who cannot care for herself. You’d think someone, anyone, would call me and ask, “ hey do you need anything from the store?” But people don’t think like that. Laura did. I do. When I could drive and when I was ok I would call every day to anyone that was struggling and ask if they needed something. I volunteered my time 20-40 hours a week with hospice giving to someone who didn’t ask. But someone who I KNEW was in need. Isn’t that what we are supposed to do?

I always hear “what would Jesus do?” Will you REALLY do what Jesus would do? Because He loved. He helped. He went OUT and He SOUGHT people in need to help them. I often wonder when people ask what would Jesus do, WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO REALLY DO. Laura always did what Jesus would do. 

I don’t feel alone for mysterious reasons. I feel alone because the people that are in my life have left me to feel alone. My husband carries the full burden. Not that I have no one. Oh I have tons of people in my life. My phone has not rung one time in 3 months though . I get texted. I visit with neighbors in the road on my walks.  Everyone is just so “busy” and I understand. I do. But I have been at home for 3 years with my daughter. To hear someone say they would take care of business when it comes to the man who abused me makes me laugh. Because those people can’t even pick up a prescription for me. 

What will happen when I break. How long can I continue with this muscle disease, this Lyme disease, this PTSD, while caring fully for another human being? What will happen when I break? It makes me hate my family so much. I sit here in this therapy waiting room and I hate them . Every one of them. They abandoned their daughter, sister, cousin, niece for WHAT? Because I told the truth? Bastards. I really could have used help in these past 3 years with my daughter. I could use help in what is to come next. They are gone though…can’t waste more time. But I would be lying if I didn’t say they didn’t cross my mind and I did not  hate them for what they have done to me. My blog is and always will be brutally honest in all ways. 

So I reached out to someone, many in the last few days, and they said “you probably need to just ask your therapist.” Heaven help the next person that tells me that! A friend is a friend. They listen. A therapist is a paid professional, and the one I chose is dealing with my trauma and PTSD. She is not being paid to be my friend, to sit with me and love me and comfort me and guide me when I am trying to find a way to GET to therapy! Am I to ask my therapist how to find a ride to see her? Am I to ask my therapist how to get the stuck tire off my damn wheelchair? That’s still on there. It’s a cop out for people who cannot be present to tell me to just ask my therapist when what I really am in need of is a friend.

So I sit here in the waiting room waiting to talk about PTSD and trauma and then I will I get to come out to all of this… I just wonder. How long until I break. When I break what will that look like. I suppose something else my husband will have to deal with as he is realistically all I have. 

So I sit here. Listening to my music on my ipad with no internet writing. Listening to michael jackson tell me “you are not alone” and maybe if I listen to it long enough I will feel I am truly not. 

I’m writing this in my notes. Oh no, I’ve started to cry. Oh no. This is not good. Crying in a waiting room is just not good… to be continued….
Part 2
I put my head down and sobbed in the waiting room. I could not stop. The room was full of people and children and sadly my tears brought tears to others. I mean we are all fragile going in to therapy. I suppose a sobbing girl with her head down on the scooter was too much for others. 

But I felt a hand on me. A very kind woman just put her arms around me and embraced me in the must nurturing loving hug I have had in YEARS. I sobbed on her shoulder. She was there at just the right time to remind me that I am not really alone. Then my therapist brought me back. I sobbed uncontrollably in therapy and got absolutely NOTHING accomplished. I left and I cried down the road (with no side walks holy crap!) and to the door of a pizza shop. I knocked on the door because I couldn’t open it. Finally someone saw me and they were SO incredibly accommodating. I could not have asked for kinder more accommodating people! I ate for the first time in days. My husband and daughter got there shortly after and picked me up. My daughter wanted to go and see my sweet sweet horse. So we drove her there. And my sweet horse did not disappoint. She loved my daughter just like she loves me. Horse love is a beautiful thing. 

I got home and needed to not be thrown right back into LIFE and left immediately on my scooter knowing well it would hurt my body to stay out but I just needed more time. I saw a flower that I HAD to take a picture of in someone’s yard. They immediately came out to tell me that they loved my new hair cut and that I could take pictures anytime of anything in their yard. I then saw a cardinal which I have been looking for to take a picture of for weeks and weeks! Today was red day so I was in search of red things. I will post a blurry red bird picture and some red flowers that I also found. More kindness found its way to me. 

I feel the tears are coming back again so I have to tell you all that I have not read any blogs in the last few days and probably won’t for a few more. It is not that I don’t want to give love and support to all of the courageous voices, I do! My brain just cannot have any input right now. I am right on the edge and hoping I don’t fall off. 

I will end this post with some important thoughts. Crying is human. I am human. I feel deeply and profoundly. I hurt equally as profoundly and deeply. I also feel joy JUST as deeply. When I was hugged in a waiting room…WHAT A GIFT WAS THAT!!!! To be loved! It is a beautiful thing. To see the horse and to see some beautiful flowers. It is a beautiful thing. I feel deeply on all levels. I am fortunate to love as deeply as I sometimes hurt. 

Here are pictures of my road trip from therapy to pizza in my scooter with no sidewalks yikes! I took you along my trek.



After being picked up we went to see my sweet(they totally aren’t mine, just visited) horse. 


And for the focus of red, here are the reds I found. FINALLY a red bird and 2 different red flowers. 


My favorite is always the sky so I will lastly put my favorites of the sky today. In the second picture there were white birds in a tree. In the last pictue, there was a faint rainbow. Rainbows will forever remind me of my sweet Laura who loved them so much, who loved me and I her, who I will look forward to embracing again in heaven.

28 thoughts on “So I sit. 

  1. This was an amazing post. I was crying by the time you got to the part about the HUG. What an experience to share. I am so glad that there was another human being In that waiting room with you. She truly thought of what she would need in that moment and gave it to you. I wish I was in Florida with you, I’d take you to your appointment. Without perfume or air freshener. I often found that in my drive to therapy I would sob all the way there. It’s ok to cry when we need too. If you feel a break coming brace yourself, they are tiresome. It please try to get your me time, try to rest but it’s difficult. I know. Easier said then done. It’s ok if you do break.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you for reading it. I knew it was long when I looked at it but I felt if I shortened it it wouldnt be the whole story of my day. I rarely cry. It was really the oddest thing ever for me to cry like that. I got nothing accomplished in therapy which sucks.
      I wish you lived here too. I sure could use the help. But you my friend have your hands full!!! You dont need to be driving me around!
      I think I actually broke a long time ago. Ive been trying to put the pieces back together one at a time but for some reason life just keeps taking another piece down and stepping on it.
      The hug…it was just genuine. It was nurturing. It was motherly. It was like a best friend. Cant really explain it. But if I had something like that growing up, 2 years ago, 10 years ago, now, every day, wow, imagine how that would be.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Oh, Bethany.. I felt all kinds of emotions as I read this. Sorrow. Anger at the people in your life that are always “too busy.” Anger at your family. Sadness. Wanting to cry. Remembering how horrible it feels to sense that you are about to break. And remembering how horrible it feels to break.

    And then — the wonderful horse! And your darling daughter beside you, being loved by the horse! And the cardinal, just when you were looking for red things! Truly you have a special spirit, for so many animals to love you and be drawn to you.

    Best of all, the HUG. ❤

    Here is a ((HUG)) from me to you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for the hug from afar. Thank you for writing to me and understanding my pain. I’ve actually never felt this way before. This is new for me. I’ve been sad, depressed, had anxiety, all the PTSD stuff, but never like this. Never breaking down in public like that and feeling hopeless.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m so glad you have a therapist now. I hope you are sharing these feelings with her.

        I wish I could drive you to your appointments. We don’t have an air freshener in our car, because those things make me carsick. I rarely wear perfume, and I certainly wouldn’t it I were going to be around you.

        I used to have extreme allergic sensitivities to all kinds of scents. When I was in my 20s, walking past a scented candle display in the mall would make me very dizzy and almost pass out. For some reason, these sensitivities have gotten much less with age. I hope the same thing happens with you!

        I remember how frustrated I used to feel, when people would downplay my allergies to scents. They thought it was in my head. But the allergy testing I had done, proved that I was very allergic to a wide range of things

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      • Yes my sensitivities are extreme. It is because my nervous system is jacked up and my immune system knows it cannot fight off much with the lyme disease and muscle disease. My doctor said it is pretty normal to have these reactions when the body is so taxed. The last chemical I was exposed to I threw up.
        I have had a therapists my entire life. This one I have had for about 8 months now. She is specific to trauma therapy. So we focus on that.
        I wish you could drive me too!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Dearest Bethany, I am so so sad for your struggles and loneliness yet too far away to visit you and be a loyal friend…I am so glad on the other hand that this lady offered you a hug when you needed it! Love & comfort are so important..I wish you many more moments like this…I also only have my husband, so I know how you feel..Hugs hugs and more hugs! xxx Ps: That horse is a beautiful soul just like your daughter and you! ❤

    Like

    • Thank you for this kindness. Always appreciated to wake up and see kind words sent to me. I have more kindness shown to me on my blog than I have every experienced in my life. Yet a random hug in a doctor’s office does sit high up there on gifts of great measure!!!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh my beautiful friend. My heart breaks for you. I wish I lived closer. I would take you anywhere you needed to go and I would hold you when you cry and just shower you with lots of love. I’m so sorry. I truly am that your family can’t see the pain they are causing you and that they are so fucking stupid and just plain fucking blind. I hate them too. I read this and I think this is exactly how I feel. My family I have built here in Winston has done the same thing to me. They helped me when I needed it and then oh hey you’re on your own. Don’t offer to help or anything. They probably forgot about me. I thank God for those kind people you met after your session. I cry because you are in pain and there’s nothing I can do except be there for you. So I am crying with you and loving you through this because you’ve done the same for me. Tear are coming. I just hate this for you. I hate what you are doing through. I love you and I’m always here for you. I truly mean that. Thanks for what you have done for me and your friendship. It means so much to me. It truly does.

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  5. Oh Bethany, your words are so powerful. They tear at any pretext and show that while you have heart and love, others lack them. I won’t insult you by suggesting different transportation ideas, I am sure you have tried them all. May I reblog this post to show the how important the need is? I want to show the way it is for someone who really lives with these needs and conditions. I know that if wishes were horses we all would have them, but I really wish things were different for you and your family. I admire your husband and his strength. Two great hearts found each other in your love for each other. Thank you for writing this, I think we all can do better. I will remember this post, these needs when I get walking and have a vehicle again. With much love and respect many hugs.

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  6. Reblogged this on Scotties Toy Box and commented:
    We are often told how our actions can have huge consequences for others. As these powerful words demonstrate it is also the actions we don’t take that can hurt others so badly. I live in an retirement mobile home and I have known of older people who have moved back to where their families were from because they did not drive anymore and needed to have people to take them places. They simply couldn’t trust that when they needed it rides would be there. I know that in my area one of the things hospice volunteers do is drive home hospice patients to their appointments. Why must it be that someone needs hospice care before they have a way to get the things they need. I was visiting an elderly lady and she was getting her morning coffee and her milk was bad. But just a little she said as she used it. I stopped her, and asked why she was going to use milk that had passed. She looked at me and replied “because it is all I have”. I went and got her new milk. These words have reminded me to be thankful, I am going to not only walk again someday, I will be able to drive. When I do I hope I remember this post, and think of those around me, and offer to help. The old saying do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I will ask if they need anything or if they have an appointment, because some day if I am lucky I will be elderly and I will not be able to drive, and I don’t want to have to use spoiled milk. Hugs

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  7. I’m sitting here crying right along with you. I wish I had the capacity to communicate what I am feeling as eloquently as you. Reading this post today was like looking into my own brain. The pain, the trauma, the sadness. The disbelief of how people who supposedly love and care about you can ignore and even be so terribly heartless. I am a person who views the world of the people in my life. I am not perfect and I know I have missed opportunities to help another because I was not paying close enough attention. What I do know though, is if you and I were close, I know I would be with you every Tuesday, stinky from lack of perfume 🙂 in a vehicle that probably smelled heavily of dog because no air freshener. ❤

    Like

    • I love dog smell!!!! My car still smells of dog and then I miss my dog 😦 I rode with my old neighbor and she was like “the car smells of dog” who cares! Those are natural smells. I can’t tolerate the chemically made ones!
      My heart goes out to you. You truly understand. You and I are very very much alike. We feel deeply. Seeing the heartlessness is painful.
      Thank you for such sweetness you have left me here

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  8. Love your honesty! You are strong and brave! Yes, we need more people to be real and care about the things Jesus cared about. He gives us blessings along the way- so glad for the people who surprised you with kindness.
    I have been down the lonely road too! Thank you for sharing and keeping it real!

    Liked by 1 person

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