So here I sit in a waiting room. My daughter had a 2:30 Doctor’s appointment. I have therapy at 3:00. My husband is our only driver. So I am sitting here for 45 minutes in the waiting room until my 50 minute therapy appointment. My daughter’s Doctor appointment will most likely be 3 hours. So I plan on driving my scooter through this neighborhood behind my therapist’s office and to some restaurants to get something to eat so I don’t have to spend a total of 3 hours here in this therapy office. I’ve never just driven my motorized scooter out and about other than my neighborhood. I will take pictures along the way. I brought a towel, garbage bags to cover my scooter, a jacket, an umbrella, water, protein bar. All the things one must think of when out alone in a motorized scooter for 3 hours. I stayed up most of the night last night. I was thinking of how absolutely alone I am. I didn’t allow the tears to come. I fear if they come then I will not be able to ever stop them. There is a sob that is just sitting under the surface. Having PTSD and multiple chemical sensitivities on top of this muscle disease makes things complicated. I needed a ride. I needed a ride from someone who would respect me and not wear cologne. I needed someone without an air freshener in the car so I did not have to vomit before my 3 hour outing right now. I asked. I called. No one was available. Circumstances have led me to needing a ride every other Tuesday if I want to continue going to trauma therapy. I have offered to pay someone who is willing to simply not wear cologne or put an air freshener in their car. I have not found anyone yet…
When someone hears my story of abuse I always hear “ Let me at him! If I could only get my hands on that man.” As if someone would actually do something. Actions. I rarely see them. I hear a LOT what someone WOULD do.I lay awake last night and thought of my best friend Laura who passed away. As she was going through chemo she would call and ask if when in town I needed anything. She is gone now. No one calls and asks if I need anything. They KNOW. Everyone knows my situation. They know I am taking care of my daughter who cannot care for herself. You’d think someone, anyone, would call me and ask, “ hey do you need anything from the store?” But people don’t think like that. Laura did. I do. When I could drive and when I was ok I would call every day to anyone that was struggling and ask if they needed something. I volunteered my time 20-40 hours a week with hospice giving to someone who didn’t ask. But someone who I KNEW was in need. Isn’t that what we are supposed to do?
I always hear “what would Jesus do?” Will you REALLY do what Jesus would do? Because He loved. He helped. He went OUT and He SOUGHT people in need to help them. I often wonder when people ask what would Jesus do, WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO REALLY DO. Laura always did what Jesus would do.
I don’t feel alone for mysterious reasons. I feel alone because the people that are in my life have left me to feel alone. My husband carries the full burden. Not that I have no one. Oh I have tons of people in my life. My phone has not rung one time in 3 months though . I get texted. I visit with neighbors in the road on my walks. Everyone is just so “busy” and I understand. I do. But I have been at home for 3 years with my daughter. To hear someone say they would take care of business when it comes to the man who abused me makes me laugh. Because those people can’t even pick up a prescription for me.
What will happen when I break. How long can I continue with this muscle disease, this Lyme disease, this PTSD, while caring fully for another human being? What will happen when I break? It makes me hate my family so much. I sit here in this therapy waiting room and I hate them . Every one of them. They abandoned their daughter, sister, cousin, niece for WHAT? Because I told the truth? Bastards. I really could have used help in these past 3 years with my daughter. I could use help in what is to come next. They are gone though…can’t waste more time. But I would be lying if I didn’t say they didn’t cross my mind and I did not hate them for what they have done to me. My blog is and always will be brutally honest in all ways.
So I reached out to someone, many in the last few days, and they said “you probably need to just ask your therapist.” Heaven help the next person that tells me that! A friend is a friend. They listen. A therapist is a paid professional, and the one I chose is dealing with my trauma and PTSD. She is not being paid to be my friend, to sit with me and love me and comfort me and guide me when I am trying to find a way to GET to therapy! Am I to ask my therapist how to find a ride to see her? Am I to ask my therapist how to get the stuck tire off my damn wheelchair? That’s still on there. It’s a cop out for people who cannot be present to tell me to just ask my therapist when what I really am in need of is a friend.
So I sit here in the waiting room waiting to talk about PTSD and trauma and then I will I get to come out to all of this… I just wonder. How long until I break. When I break what will that look like. I suppose something else my husband will have to deal with as he is realistically all I have.
So I sit here. Listening to my music on my ipad with no internet writing. Listening to michael jackson tell me “you are not alone” and maybe if I listen to it long enough I will feel I am truly not.
I’m writing this in my notes. Oh no, I’ve started to cry. Oh no. This is not good. Crying in a waiting room is just not good… to be continued….
I put my head down and sobbed in the waiting room. I could not stop. The room was full of people and children and sadly my tears brought tears to others. I mean we are all fragile going in to therapy. I suppose a sobbing girl with her head down on the scooter was too much for others.
But I felt a hand on me. A very kind woman just put her arms around me and embraced me in the must nurturing loving hug I have had in YEARS. I sobbed on her shoulder. She was there at just the right time to remind me that I am not really alone. Then my therapist brought me back. I sobbed uncontrollably in therapy and got absolutely NOTHING accomplished. I left and I cried down the road (with no side walks holy crap!) and to the door of a pizza shop. I knocked on the door because I couldn’t open it. Finally someone saw me and they were SO incredibly accommodating. I could not have asked for kinder more accommodating people! I ate for the first time in days. My husband and daughter got there shortly after and picked me up. My daughter wanted to go and see my sweet sweet horse. So we drove her there. And my sweet horse did not disappoint. She loved my daughter just like she loves me. Horse love is a beautiful thing.
I got home and needed to not be thrown right back into LIFE and left immediately on my scooter knowing well it would hurt my body to stay out but I just needed more time. I saw a flower that I HAD to take a picture of in someone’s yard. They immediately came out to tell me that they loved my new hair cut and that I could take pictures anytime of anything in their yard. I then saw a cardinal which I have been looking for to take a picture of for weeks and weeks! Today was red day so I was in search of red things. I will post a blurry red bird picture and some red flowers that I also found. More kindness found its way to me.
I feel the tears are coming back again so I have to tell you all that I have not read any blogs in the last few days and probably won’t for a few more. It is not that I don’t want to give love and support to all of the courageous voices, I do! My brain just cannot have any input right now. I am right on the edge and hoping I don’t fall off.
I will end this post with some important thoughts. Crying is human. I am human. I feel deeply and profoundly. I hurt equally as profoundly and deeply. I also feel joy JUST as deeply. When I was hugged in a waiting room…WHAT A GIFT WAS THAT!!!! To be loved! It is a beautiful thing. To see the horse and to see some beautiful flowers. It is a beautiful thing. I feel deeply on all levels. I am fortunate to love as deeply as I sometimes hurt.
Here are pictures of my road trip from therapy to pizza in my scooter with no sidewalks yikes! I took you along my trek.
My favorite is always the sky so I will lastly put my favorites of the sky today. In the second picture there were white birds in a tree. In the last pictue, there was a faint rainbow. Rainbows will forever remind me of my sweet Laura who loved them so much, who loved me and I her, who I will look forward to embracing again in heaven.