The last few days have been exceptionally hard for me. My legs stopped working. They occasionally do this. They feel disconnected from my body and I cannot lift them. If I can move them they have stabbing extreme pain. I knew it was coming and so I took a quick shower. I thought the warm water would help. It caused extreme cramping. I actually started yelling at my leg to “be strong! Stop this! Come on! Buck up! Work already!!!!” Yelling at my leg did not work. As soon as I got out of the shower I could not lift my leg to even get dressed so my husband helped me. For 14 hours I could not move them. I tried about 5 hours in because I had to pee and the extreme pain caused screaming in agony. So I had to pee in a cup. Yep. The truth of living with a disease is not always pretty! But we do what we have to do. I was unable to move after I fell on the futon that is in my room. I had to sleep there for 2 days. My bed is to high to get in and out of.
That, right there, in and of itself, petrified me. It scaresd me to death. The vulnerability. The helplessness. The pain an agony. The, what will happen next. It is very very scary. My shoulder is so fragile that I cannot be lifted by my arms because my shoulder would just pop right out. I can’t use my arms to push up. It is just a lose lose. I cannot get into my scooter because then I cannot get out of my scooter.
So that has been my last few days.
I got up today and my legs started working again. The pain is there but it is less. I got in my scooter this evening determined to go out and find something good. I found a feather. It was the fluffy undercoat feather of an owl. It was softer than cotton. Then I found another feather that had some owl markings on the end. As I went around the block another, then another then another, and then, my owl. There she was. In all of her glory. She did not speak to me. I heard two owls hooting in the distance. She just looked at me. Her big eyes seem smaller now that she is so big. She was so beautiful. I told her about my last few bad days. I mean this owl has been listening to me for going on 6 months now. She just looked into my eyes and listened. I took a few pictures of her but this time I really didn’t want to photograph. I wanted to just be. So I sat in her presence and just let us be together. I said to her with a flick of my hand, ” Alright I know you want to hung just go on.” Sure enough she flew away.
After I left her I turned around and there was a rainbow in the sky. I took a quick picture and my ipad died. Battery dead. When I came home and charged it I looked at the pictures. The owl had these sparkling colors all around her. She was way above my head so she is not so clear. But the colors. I have never seen that before. Purple, green pink blue. Is this just a camera thing? Whatever it was it was really spectacular to look at. Maybe just something the camera did. And the rainbow. There was not a cloud in the sky. No rain. Just a rainbow. A beautiful rainbow.
Something good was found.