I was looking up the title of my book: The Secrets of Lilly Lake, and up pops this news article about Lily Lake. It is spelled different ways on different signs/sites so I am not sure what the real spelling is but here is the article.
On the cover of the article is this picture:
I was so sickened by this article and this picture that I lay awake late into the night. This man is the man who molested me through out my childhood. We calculated the times and dates today and he had over 200 opportunities to assault me.
When an individual says: “Forgive and forget….move on….let it go…” I am pretty sure they are unaware of social media reminders (hard to forget when reminded) PTSD, triggers, and the burden they are putting on the individual to have to DO something. I want to know if the person who throws out this insensitive advice knows what it even feels like to BE raped. Now, the man who abused me, HE can apologize, but How am I burdened to let him go. How am I burdened with years of therapy to somehow learn how to release the chains he has over me, release the power he has. It is not that he has any power over me at all. He HURT me. My body and my mind remembers these things through nightmares and PTSD. I go through all of this therapy and still suffer immensely and someone has the NERVE, the gall, the audacity, to suggest, let it go!!!
I am not educated enough on the ins and outs of white privledge to comment on that topic. I can tell you that this man has a good amount of money, well known in society, and is PRIVLEDGED!!!! He happens to be white. Does that have anything to do with it? I have no idea and therefore I don’t want to get into the color of his skin. Somehow though, someway, I feel if he had a different skin color, different socioeconomic status, his outcome would have been different. Just a thought so try not to tear me apart on this issue. Right now, his color means nothing to me.
I care that he is featured on a newspaper article as some sort of superman. But he is just a pedophile.
I went to bed last night thinking about how he has no power over me. I just have unwanted memory of him. The nerve of someone to tell me I need therapy., Tell me I need different modalities to help me. You can tell me any suggestions you want to tell me but the truth of the matter is that evil happened to me. Nothing will take that away. Good can exist within it and within me and around me. But the evil that has been done to me by this man and others is a part of who I am. PTSD did not happen on it’s own. I very much wish I could send the thousands of dollars of bills for mental health (that by the way have still not allowed me to “let him go.”
Furthermore I am sick and tired of the stigma of mental illness or mental health. If I explore and examine and express my rage, my anger, my depression, my anxiety, my ongoing issues with the abuse then I am judged. Yes some asshole can park in a disabled parking spot and just be called an asshole. Someone at an office can send me the wrong bill, over charge, over bill, late fee, as a mistake, and I am supposed to THANK her for fixing HER problem.
There are no stigmas for being a straight up asshole and there should be. But stigmas for anxiety, OCD, PTSD galore. “I had an OCD moment earlier.” I has a total “panic” when I forgot my keys. ” I had a total “crazy” episode when my mother in law wanted cheese trays at my wedding. NO! These terms are not lightly used. A PANIC is what happened yesterday when I could not feel my legs, dissociative did (another misunderstood stigma word) an had no clue where I was for a good hour. I hate the word crazy. But if you were to use it it would be the screaming that happens in my head when a person comes up and hugs me with the cologne the man who raped me was wearing and my head goes manic(preferred word) and I have to then scrub myself in the shower until I almost bleed.
All because of MR. Famous up there in his picture and his glory. So “get over it” is not in my vocabulary. Telling me to “calm down” won’t help me. If you take the time to learn about PTSD you will understand me. But people won’t any more than they will try to understand what multiple chemical sensitivities are or my muscle disease.
Hence. Me feeling alone.
I said it a few days ago and I will say it again, I am not Okay. And I am Okay with saying on MY blog that I am not Okay. I am overwhelmed wtih the magnitude of weight put on my shoulders of healing from abuse, healing from a muscle disease, caring for my daughter, and living with the consequences of these disorders in the face of constant judgment.
This man gets to be on a cover of a newspaper, our newspaper, honored. Where am I? I overcame his abuse to become a professional waterskier myself. But they want to focus on his family who along with the entire ski team AND my family covered up what he did to me.
And I am the one who needs to “let go?” Because it will “heal me to feel peace and love.” I will NEVER feel peace and love for a pedophile and those who support him. EVER. That does not keep me or hinder my healing. Anyone wants to honor that man on the cover of a newspaper you go for it.
God will see fit to do what HE so chooses with that man.
It is NOT MY responsibility to do ANYTHING FOR HIM in the name of somehow helping myself.
I will just step over his memory as best I can like I step over a dropped piece of food on the floor. Step over and move towards the best things I can like love for my family, animals, friends, but him? He gets nothing from me.