Restored.

My husband found everyone who is following me. He found everyone who I was following and pressed “follow” 1000 times so as to save my headache from getting worse. I looked at the 70 plus pages and was feeling overwhelmed. My right eye was hurting. So he took over. He said it was no big deal. But it restored my blog and he restored my old posts that had been removed. No big deal to one person that is empathetic and unconditional and compassionate sure can be restoring to someone who is downhearted.

Being restored is a good feeling. It is an exhale. I realized when he was finished I exhaled. And I felt relaxed.

It got me to thinking about being restored. What does it take to feel restored. Rest, quiet, laughs, comfort, love, nature. I am sure each person has their own ways of restoring. Today I will focus on how else I can restore other aspects of my life. To restore a blog and to be able to exhale means I need to focus on restoring me and the exhale will, I am sure, be rewarding to my heart, soul, and body.

My account got hacked

My account got hacked I believe as I have lost 400 followers and I am no longer following many of my favorites. I have not commented on your blog for a few weeks or a month and due to my current memory issues PLEASE comment on this blog so that I can make sure I am following you!

My facebook was also hacked and every single one of my blog posts was removed. That had to have taken time. 

I’m not concerned. It will all work out with a password change, etc. I am mostly concerned with the number of people I was following that are nolonger on my list and my lack of ability to recall specific blog names. 

So send me your link please if you notice I have not been commenting on your blog so I am sure to be following. 

Sorry for any inconvenience and I am so sorry if I have been absent from your blog because of some hack job. 

This has been a bizarre 2 weeks.

* UPDATE. I JUST LOOKED AT MY FOLLOWED SITES AND I WAS FOLLOWING 1700 PEOPLE AND NOW I AM ONLY FOLLOWING 358. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FIND THOSE I 1000 PEOPLE I WAS FOLLOWING BEFORE. I’M SO UPSET. SUGGESTIONS? I WAS ABLE TO RESTORE A FEW BLOG POSTS THAT WERE REMOVED BUT HOW DO I RESTORE PEOPLE

Memory loss…what a ride!!!!!

OK. I have to laugh at the fact that I know I just wrote a blog post and a poem? Yeah. I cannot remember if I posted my mindful pictures from today so if I did, well…here they are again!!!!! I can’t go back and read my blog because it will give me a memory that I am supposed to remember on my own. So I have no clue if I posted these yet! Today is not a good memory day for me. Yesterday was better. It will ebb and flow and I guess halt for a few months. 

Today I got a CT of my brain to see if there are blockages that are causing the seizures. I had a Doctor appointment from my most favorite doctor ever. She listens. She hears. She processes. She acts. I adore her. I could not be in better hands than hers. One of my pupils is still affected from whatever happened to my brain from the seizures. I am still working on my seizure meds getting them to the max dose. We will not know about my memory until 6 months. I have fragmented memories. I remember everything from the past and things that people bring to my attention now. As soon as they remind me it will trigger a little memory and I go ohhh right I remember that. But some things still don’t make sense at all to me. So…that is where I am with THAT!!!!! I have some short term memory loss and long term memory loss. It is bizarre and odd. I guess whatever has caused my PTSD is not in the forefront of my memories right now because I have not been “triggered” today. At least not that I remember 🙂

From my mindful walk with my husband we found every variety of lantana. White, yellow, yellow and pink, orange, and some of them were planted and one was just randomly in a ditch. The sunset in hues of orange, pink, lavender. When I got the CT dye it felt like this burning all over my body. He said it would feel like that because it had to be pushed fast for the angiogram of my brain. The sunset reminded me of that heat. But I tried to make that memory into something good. A sunset of warmth instead of dye of heat. As long as the day ends in the sky and flowers, then I call it a good day. 

Poetry

*photos of peeling pine bark and the inside ridges of a tree trunk after it has been chopped up into firewood
You can trace the ridges of my internal scars.

You can drag your finger over the layers of peeling bark.

You can follow me into the depths of my heart

Or you can stay right where you are

Standing in the dark.

Poetry


Mental illness

It holds an unfounded stigma.

To slander 

Or degrade

To discriminate.

Because of illness

Makes one quite the pathetic enigma.

Should it not be a crime?

To intentionally 

Revictimize?

Based on the state 

Of a diagnosis 

Of the mind?

Yet they do

Lower themselves

To a lesser

Of a snail’s slime.

Which reflects only a mirror

To them.

With that

I am perfectly fine. 

Poetry

*photograph of punching bag Bob. I may use him every day for my posts 🙂
When a liar starts believing his own lies

He becomes a dangerous man.

When denial becomes his reality

He becomes a dangerous man.

When truth becomes the enemy

There creates a dangerous man.

When others follow a dangerous man

When others support a dangerous man

We then have an epidemic 

On our hands

By their hands

And victims become afraid 

To take their stand

Don’t be afraid of the dangerous man

He is only as dangerous as your mind allows him to be.

Don’t feed the ego of the “dangerous” man.

Then you will be treading 

On truly dangerous land.

I stand

For the righteous man.

I will stand

A survivor

Holding the right man’s hand. 
* The word man is meant to mean human kind. It can be used interchangeably with the word woman. Your choice. 

Why I describe my photos


1. Punching bag Bob. He is scary as hell right? My husband confirmed that he is called Bob. I felt his face and it feels like an actual human being. All of his features feel human. How odd they would make a punching bag that felt like a human.

2 and 3 and 4.  The clouds look just like cotton candy. I wish I could reach up and grabs them and hold them. They look like they would smell like strawberries and blueberry ice cream or cotton candy. 

5. The sun was setting behind the trees. It was a perfect ball of orange. It looked like a scoop of orange sherbet on a cone. I think I have ice cream on the mind. 

6. On my walk I came across this pink flower that had a spike coming out of it with yellow dots

7. After I got home, my daughter wanted me to sit on the deck with her. The mosquitos ate us up. They are out of control due to all of the water now on the prairie from the hurricane rains. Anyway, this picture is of my glass door. There is a tiny green tree frog. He is looking at a yellow moth right next to him about twice his size. My daughter and I waited. Will the frog eat the moth. We waited. We watched. We then wondered why we were watching!!!!!! Then we came inside after the moth flew away. During that time we heard my sweet owl hooting. The possum that frequents the back yard came wandering by and he smells just like goats smell. It is an unpleasant smell so we came in. 

When I go for walks and post pictures, I often describe them, kind of like this, for my friend Carol Anne. She was born blind. I want her to “see” what I see and so I will describe as best I can what I am seeing. I always think of her on my walks because I want to share my experiences not just with my eyes but with other senses. 

Carol Anne has a blog. Here is the link. https://therapybits.com/ 

It is a private blog so you will have to request access. 

I have met some pretty awesome bloggers in the last two years. She is one of them. She has taught me patience. She has taught me to experience life with my other senses. She has taught me perseverance and she has been an inspiration. Check out her blog if you can. And know when I am describing what you are easily seeing, it is for her:)