Day 1. Mindful walk. Determined! Waaaaahhhh my back hurts. Spine hurts. Leg hurts. This so isn’t working. Now I’ve gone too far. Road is too bumpy. Hurting my arms. This sucks. I should have never left the house. Pause. Beautiful flowers. Will just sit here and smell them. Going down this person’s driveway. Must take a moment and smell the flowers…literally.
I just went way too far. It will be a mile home down this road that I NEVER go down. I will never go down this road again. Causing pain. Now causing anxiety over the pain that will come later. AHHHHHHH mindful broken alert people. Mindful broken.
So this kid is coming towards me and he makes me uncomfortable. So I turn on my video camera on my ipad. He has made me uncomfortable before. Call it a wiring issue in my brain? Intuition? No clue. All of a sudden a car appears going very very fast. My brain slows. I can’t cross the road, not enough time. Plus the kid is on that side and what if he crosses. Panic. Car almost hits me.
It wooooshes next to me. I drop my ipad. Thankfully I did not break. My ipad did not break. I didn’t fall. I almost cry. Mindful walk so ruined. I get home and say, ” must find something good. Must find something good.” And right there on the door was a tree frog. The biggest one I have ever seen. And he just gave me a moment. A moment of mindfulness that was ahhhhhhhhh. Here he is. Longest legs ever.
Day 2. I find this butterfly that when her wings are closed are totally white but when they are open they have hidden color. I am so excited. The fox den is empty so I explore it for a moment and take a picture and also a picture of the yellow flowers that have surrounded it. Ok. This is feeling like a good start to m mindful walk.
Then a lizard crosses my path. He runs out and stares at me in the middle of the road. I felt like he had something very important to convey but I don’t speak lizard. So I sat for minutes staring at him while he stared at me. Then I shuffled him off to the side of the road and carried on.
I then saw a flower that I know is so common. People think of it as a weed but a friend of mine said that the bees NEED them to survive and how the sun hit this flower made it seem not so common but special in some way.
And then poof the mindful left. Smells started bothering me. I have no idea why. My mind started thinking and churning and turning about anything and everything and I just wanted to get home. I felt my walk was not a success. But then I realized I had moments. So I may not have a full walk of mindfulness. A moment is a moment. Any moment not full of anxiety, dread, depression, is a good moment.
Day 3. I found another blue feather! How is this possible. I have looked, scoured for feathers that were blue. Here one finally was. And now another. And this little tiny feather with a tip of yellow. How beautiful.
I should have taken my moment and gone home. But I stayed out. And my mind was incapable of mindful anything. I saw two flowers that were blooming that never bloom this time of year, an azalea, and a wisteria. I smelled the wisteria and had a split second of a moment.
Then my mind went to mush. It is amazing how quicklyI can go from being completely numb to being completely manic in my brain. It scares me actually how quickly PTSD can take over and I feel I lose myself and have to figh to come back. I zipped home as fast as I could and just held on to that one moment. I sat on the deck with my daughter and we had another nice tree frog experience.
Then the pain set in my body. My spine has been really hurting, my shoulder, you name it, it hurts. I know I overdid while my husband was gone. Him being gone in and of itself caused a great deal of stress that I could feel in my body. I just didn’t feel enough safety nets were in place. The “what -if’s” were very out of control. And I know very well the lack of control sets off the PTSD and then I just swirl into a mess of a mind.
3 days of mindfulness kaput! But I did learn something. Sometimes, you have to take a moment. If a moment is all you get, that may have to be enough.
I saved a spider aka rescue and release since we don’t kill anything in the house (except the occasional roach that may get flushed but don’t tell my daughter). So here is the spider release. It was the end of the day and I needed to end the day on a good note. Setting something free, even if just a spider, was good enough for me.