I read the first line of paperdoll’s post here I Will Just Get Through It | Paper Doll Therapy Blog
And it got me to thinking late into the night of if I am “enduring” or “persevering”.
For me this means I am I EXISTING or am I LIVING?
When I go on my mindful walks I am LIVING. That is only a tiny portion of the day. It deserves acknowledgment even in its minimal persevearance because it is a choice to purposefully live.
I have been reading a book that one of my friends on wordpress suggested to me (I’d link to her but for some reason her name temporarily escapes me). The book is: The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk MD. It is a book about PTSD. I have just started reading it and I have stopped to process what I have read already. It is mind blowing to me. I feel understood. It pertains to this subject of living or lack of the ability of due to the monster of PTSD.
“Their symptoms have their origin in the entire body’s response to the original trauma.” This line meant a lot to me.
“Traumatized people look at the world fundamentally different from other people. For most of us a man coming down the street is someone taking a walk but a rape victim however may see a person who is about to molest her and go into a panic.” This meant a lot to me.
“We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past, it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body. The imprint has ongoing consequences for the human…to survive the present…..it changes…our very capacity to think.” All of this means so much to me.
Reading this book made me understand why it is so hard to live.
Again. These words make me feel deeply understood. So thank you for that kind soul who recommended it to me.
I rarely feel understoood because I am NOT understood by those around me.
So this book was a gift.
Hopefully it will help me to process, grieve, do whatever I need to do to finally live again.
It explains how you can repress the past until you have a simple trigger and it will all come back. I’d say that I held my life together pretty darn well for 40 years. Event through this muscle disease, the loss of family, etc. But PTSD took over my life after the loss of my dog, and the severity of my daughter’s illness became so prevelant. With my illness progressing as well, helplessness triggers severe PTSD and anxiety. I understand why this is happening. I just don’t know how to fix it. Therapy, meds, other modalities have not helped but in maybe tiny little bits up until this point. Hopefully this book will give me the boost I need to not just “endure” and exist but live.