I forgot I had a muscle disease.
I forgot I had lost my entire family due to me telling the truth.
I forgot my dog was dead.
I forgot my daughter had been sick for 4 years.
I just forgot.
Even the PTSD, I forgot.
I forgot I cut my hair off.
I forgot for a week. Although I felt disoriented and confused, that was better than remembering. It was this little denial gift my brain gave me after the seizure.
My short term memory is still sketchy. I spoke to my psychiatirst today who is very strongly advocating for me which feels encouraging and validating. She made me feel looked after and safe in her care and tried to help me understand some of what my brain is doing. She has spoken to me many times free of charge this week on the phone to help manage and determine what on earth has happened since the 5 seizures.
I forgot. I wish I could keep forgetting. But I’m remembering.
The good news is for the first time in FOREVER I don’t feel like I’m going to have a seizure and I’m ravenously hungry. I haven’t been hungry in a year. I haven’t had a clear head in years. Now that I am on seizure meds I will be able to differentiate between PTSD, anxiety attack, and seizure. Seizure is now out of the equation.
I just wish I could keep forgetting. If only I could keep forgetting.
My walk this morning was beautiful. I enjoyed the flowers more than I think I ever have. I felt safe on my own in my wheelchair.
On the way out I saw a box labeled “heavy” just tossedout of the van put on my doorstep. I was so angry. I looked down at my leg and remembered how bad my leg was and thought, ” The mail person has a dolly. I have this leg. What in THE…”. I will not be defeated though so I tied the contents to a bungee cord and drug that sucker down the driveway into the garage. Then I went on my way. No one was stomping out my mindfulness on this walk. Especially not a lazy worker. Like who does that?!!!!!
I have to say this unaceppting of defeat from a mail personwas a gift because it allowed me to not give up and go out and find the beauty that I intended. Thankfully I have not forgotten my love of nature. I allowed joy into my heart while being out. True mindfulness. It is possible even in the most difficult of situations.
Here are the flowers that I found. After I came home my daughter and I sat on the deck and listened to a mama squirrel making her nest. We watched her for awhile and then I had the job of removing and relocating a spider from right outside the door that kept running for our heads every time we went out. I love all creatures but running for our head, well, this is grounds for relocation.