I forgot

I forgot.

I forgot I had a muscle disease.

I forgot I had lost my entire family due to me telling the truth.

I forgot my dog was dead.

I forgot my daughter had been sick for 4 years.

I just forgot.

Even the PTSD, I forgot.

I forgot I cut my hair off.

I forgot for a week. Although I felt disoriented and confused, that was better than remembering. It was this little denial gift my brain gave me after the seizure.

My short term memory is still sketchy. I spoke to my psychiatirst today who is very strongly advocating for me which feels encouraging and validating. She made me feel looked after and safe in her care and tried to help me understand some of what my brain is doing. She has spoken to me many times free of charge this week on the phone to help manage and determine what on earth has happened since the 5 seizures.

I forgot. I wish I could keep forgetting. But I’m remembering.

The good news is for the first time in FOREVER I don’t feel like I’m going to have a seizure and I’m ravenously hungry. I haven’t been hungry in a year. I haven’t had a clear head in years. Now that I am on seizure meds I will be able to differentiate between PTSD, anxiety attack, and seizure. Seizure is now out of the equation.

I just wish I could keep forgetting. If only I could keep forgetting.

My walk this morning was beautiful. I enjoyed the flowers more than I think I ever have. I felt safe on my own in my wheelchair.

On the way out I saw a box labeled “heavy” just tossedout of the van put on my doorstep. I was so angry. I looked down at my leg and remembered how bad my leg was and thought, ” The mail person has a dolly. I have this leg. What in THE…”. I will not be defeated though so I tied the contents to a bungee cord and drug that sucker down the driveway into the garage. Then I went on my way. No one was stomping out my mindfulness on this walk. Especially not a lazy worker. Like who does that?!!!!!

I have to say this unaceppting of defeat from a mail personwas a gift because it allowed me to not give up and go out and find the beauty that I intended. Thankfully I have not forgotten my love of nature. I allowed joy into my heart while being out. True mindfulness. It is possible even in the most difficult of situations.


Here are the flowers that I found. After I came home my daughter and I sat on the deck and listened to a mama squirrel making her nest. We watched her for awhile and then I had the job of removing and relocating a spider from right outside the door that kept running for our heads every time we went out. I love all creatures but running for our head, well, this is grounds for relocation.


 

21 thoughts on “I forgot

    • That’s awesome!!!! I mean I love them all but anything that runs at my head when I open the door…time to move on. What is so funny is she crawled right back on the deck and I went over and we had “words” and a few minutes later she was gone. I told riley I bet we will wake up and she will have remade her web and look at us when we go out like mmmhhhmmmmm what do you think of me now girls!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I hear you. Feeling crap today. Sometimes the medication helps. Sometimes it gives me more to battle. I get sick of people who don’t understand or those I help who move on and give nothing back… not just to me but to anyone else. Pay it forward

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well, that is one huge spider. We don’t have them that big up here where I live (Western Canada). At least I’ve never seen one that big. I’m afraid I would have fainted if he had jumped at my head! Also, my husband would have had to move him.

    The news about the meds is wonderful! I’m very happy for you, except for the memories. I remember the Grinch (Jim Carrey) hitting his head with a mallet because of all those, “pesky memories”. Lol I love that scene because I can relate. Hand me a mallet.

    Fantastic pictures. Really beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hand me a mallet too!!!
      Every time we opened the door the web was attached to wind chimes right outside and the spider would I guess feel the web move and run over. And that was that. I felt bad. She’d been there a long time. I hated to move her but startle is not what I neeed any of now. She is a massive spider. One bit my husband once that was at the front door so I really do love all little creatures but they sometimes do need to be moved. There is plenty of space out there to remake a web!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I love you and I’m so proud of you. I’m sorry that you had this to happen to you. I’m also tired of people who don’t care and don’t want to listen to me. I’m tired of people not wanting to value me for who I am. I deserve better and so do you. Thank you for the beautiful pictures. I love the flowers and especially the butterfly. It was so good to see Regina. She looks wonderful.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Genius!! – the bungy cord on the back of your wheels! Now that looks like something I’d do lol!

    Love the flowers – especially the light pink one, that sort of looks like paper? Beautiful 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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