I am listening to a song right now that Mikell used to play for me. Mikell introduced me unknowingly to mindfulness when I was 17 years old. I was severely traumatized. So much was happening. I had attempted suicide and was put in a mental hosptial. I had these thoughts that are so fresh in my mind right now. What happens when I go home. Will anyone judge me. Will anyone care about what happened. Will I be ignored. Will the abuser still be there across the lake. Will anything have changed. Will anyone understand me. It was Mikell who put this song on by the Cure. It was a record. I remember the ticking sound of the record on the player. He then sat crossed legged and gently put my head down in his lap. He stroked my hair and told me to just listen to the music and feel his hand in my hair. Just do that. Only that. Don’t think about anything else. I can sit here right now and remember his hands in my hair. I can remember closing my eyes and listening to the words of Pictures of You. He didn’t know he was teaching me mindfulness, something I would resurrect 30 years later. Thank you Mikell. I know you are in heaven now and watching over. Thank you up there for giving me a moment of calm in chaos.
My husband does the same thing for me now. He will pat his chest and tell me to lay my head down there and he will stroke my back and my hair. I can hear his heart beat and I focus on that. My husband is very grounding to me. He’s like a rock that ties me to the ground and doesnt allow me to just float off into the endless sky. When my head is about to explode with thoughts all I need is his chest to take all of those thoughts away.
How incredible a simple act of kindness isn’t it? A gesture that represents love and calm. I am grateful that in my life I have been blessed with men who counteracted those who have hurt me. Blessed.
It started with Mikell. It was just a moment really. But isn’t it those moments that save our lives by reminding us that unconditional love exists and that good has more power than bad. I sit here tonight and I am not thinking the thousands of bad thoughts I could. I am thinking about a teenage boy who thought I mattered.