What holds weight. 

I started my blog 2 years ago. I started my blog with the clear intention of helping and supporting other women who have been victims of sexual abuse. 

That is still my intention.  I will not censor my voice because of bullies. I will address bullies in another blog. 

Last night after reading a post I made my blog private…or rather I tried to. 

My blog, unfortunately, in private setting, did not work. I was not getting the notifications that my friends said that they were sending for approval. So it shall remain public until I can figure out how the private setting works. 

Now, as a woman who has been raped, I have no time for the one who wrote this post. As a person who has just been recovering from 5 seizures, I have no time for individuals like this.

As a survivor of rape there is a part of me that wants to tell you all, the followers of my blog, the entire truth, line by line to what this post is saying and how slanderous and full of lies it is. I never once mentioned “his” name  in my blog posts, ever. Yet he claims to have contacted an attorney who says I have written slander. Good try buddy. You have to actually use someone’s name and I never mentioned this person’s name. Just because he assumes it is him…well…guilty much…because I never named anyone. Just tried to warn the ladies of wordpress that social media is not a safe place and we need to be wary. I stand by that. I could go into great detail about how each line he has written is a lie and why. I could. But I will not. If I did, then I would be a victim trying to convince people of the truth. I did that before. I have lived that life. I have tried to tell my story of abuse and tried to convince those in my family of the details to no avail with them. So I am beyond the need, although it is stilll slightly there, to justify anything to anyone. 

If you know me, as most of my followers of 2 years do, you will need no words from me in regards to this post and his allegations. I will say that attacking someone’s mental health…it is a very very low human being. I hate to even give him an air time but since his name is, again, not mentioned, then who is to say who I am actually even referring to! But someone has targeted me here on wordpress. He is not the first and won’t be the last. Wait. He is the first. But there will be others. The truth is not often easy to hear especially if you have underlying guilt. 

As for my “tribe” I will forever be with the women of my tribe that have formed a bond of surviving the horrific and horrendous acts of abusers. I use the word tribe as it is meant to be used.  That being said, I am also from a Jewish tribe. There are and I am a part of many tribes. My husband and daughter being another. 

So as to end my blog on a positive note and not give another second of my life to someone who does not deserve it I will move along. 

Yesterday I went for the most glorious walk EVER. 

This is what I found:

I saw a white flicker of a tail. Then I stopped. There was one deer. I didn’t move. Then another. Then 2 other. I took a few pictures and then I put my camera down. I sat and watched them. They were majestic. But they were skitish. I watched them with great interest. They only had one moment of calm as they ate off of the ground. Then they jerked their heads up and looked around frantically. They checked on each other. Then looked around at their surroundings. Then went back to eating. This behavior continued. They reminded me so GREATLY of PTSD that I was astounded. They were hypervigilant. They wanted to make sure at every moment they were safe. Are some of the symptoms of PTSD innate? Like the deer? I pondered this as I watched them. Then I stopped pondering and just listened. I closed my eyes and could hear them munching and walking. I opened my eyes and there were two little rabbits. OH MY GOSH they were so adorable. One was reaching out his neck to try and grab some clover and the other was just milling about. They looked at me but didn’t stop what they were doing. They all seemed to notice me but not be scared of me. It was not until a car came by that all of them dashed off. 

There will always be villains, naysayers, doubters, and just straight up bad people in this world. We have all encountered them. I have had my fair share of them from repeated sexual abuse as a child to a sexual assault as an adult. Not to mention the plain and simple unpleasant people that just pop up here and there.  THEY HOLD ONLY THE WEIGHT YOU GIVE THEM.  PTSD does not always allow me to balance out the heavy weight of abusers. But with others that appear in my life and try and hurt me I have the ability to give them no weight. What bears weight in my life right now is the love of my husband. The love of my daughter. The beauty in all of God’s creation. The weight of these deer and these little bunnies FAR outweighs the negativity of one man or many men. 

I implore you to find the beauty. It is there. Focus on it. The moments I spent with these animals was profoundly peaceful, powerful, and restoring to my soul. Restoring my body and soul after the seizures and while managing PTSD are my top priorities. I will not be shut down. If I could survive a rape, a child molester, and a family who  abandoned me, a muscle disease, a bone disease, seizures, etc, then I can survive some slanderous words. Really. They hold no weight here. 

34 thoughts on “What holds weight. 

  1. Not cool for you ❤ I hope you're ok xox

    I think wordpress has a help thing somewhere that might be able to give you tips on making your blog private? I have another blog I follow and I had to request an invitation … and now get their posts in my feed.

    Liked by 5 people

    • I spent 2 hours this morning watching tutorial videos and STILL was not getting email notification of those who wanted to follow my private blog UNTIL i put it public and then i got all of these notifications but it was public then. Oh my gosh. No idea. I have many blogs i follow that are private. I have someone helping me and she thinks maybe it is my email address that could be the issue. I will make it private when i figure this out. But you know….maybe it should be public because why do i need to hide? Thinking this over for a few days. But i am not supposed to be thinking. I am supposed to be resting my brain until it has healed from seizures. So i may put all this craziness on hold

      Liked by 6 people

  2. HUGE HUGE Hugs for you, Bethany, and your family and your tribe and your critters! When I was upstate NY in August with my 2 sons and 2 daughters in law and THREE grandchildren, we saw deer and rabbits and many other critters! We love them all. We read Ranger Rick and National Geographic Kids and love critters and tribes of all kinds! Making you some pancakes right now! TS

    Liked by 5 people

  3. I’m so so sorry, girl 😰😰. The truth is, to take an extremely pragmatic view of the situation (please forgive me if it seems a bit cold-logical, but it definitely works out in your favor!), I don’t “know” either of you in person, but I can feel some “vibes” through a person’s writing, and you feel real to me. I only know the other person through their reblogs, so I can’t really tell who they are inside. I’ve seen much more of your insides, and I have no reason to believe at this point anything the other person said about you. Also, I met you before I met them, and we’ve interacted more, you and I. I’m always a very cautious person because of my own history, so my gut response is to look at what I perceive to be the facts (from where I sit), and add it up. I don’t have all the facts, of course 😊 (Which is fine; whatever you choose to write about is your right, and everything else is not anyone else’s business 💖) I don’t know exactly what went down, or how this came about. I just know what I know. And so far, I can’t see any reason not to continue to support you and stay by your side 💟

    Liked by 3 people

    • Well thank you very immensely!
      I have nothing to hide. I have been so brutally honest on my blog that everyone knows my deepest darkest depths that I sometimes don’t even want to know. I put myself out there and when you do that it leaves you a bit vulnerable to some unpredictable things.
      If I told the story then I would be feeding him and he would just have to reply with more lies. I just don’t want to justify his lies with a response and give him that power. He doesn’t deserve it. Cold-logical is how I can understand best. Emotions cloud things and make things murky sometimes when just straight talk is much easier. Thanks for your honesty.

      Liked by 3 people

      • Agreed, girl 😘❤️. I think I probably lost a follower but then I took another look at the post on that blog and it reads so hostile 😖. I know that no one can know the whole story other than those who were there, but *damn*. You’re so right about emotions having a cloudy effect! Straight up is how I prefer to be, because there’s no BS 😁👍🏼. Thank you so much for taking the risks that you take in the act of sharing your story with the world 💚💙. That takes courage and I admire that 💪🏼💗

        Liked by 2 people

      • I blocked him so I can’t look at it and I don’t really want to again. But really…why…we be so hostile and hateful… Ive read comments on other people’s blogs and they are a bit scary. I’ve had my share of scary angry hostile. I really am not wanting to live in that world anymore. I am just trying to recover and heal from this life I have been given and it is difficult. Thank you for thanking me for sharing my story!

        Liked by 2 people

      • He has altered his blog post and now he is going to sue me for slander. How do you sue someone for slander that never used your name???? I never said i was writing anything about him. Just because he assumed it does not make it so!!!! He’s a little beyond hostile now.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry that you’ve had another troll visit your lovely site, Bethany. Since you’re still in recovery from the seizures, take a break for a couple of days. Enjoy more walks in nature with your camera – record them and post about them later. Just heal knowing you are a special gem who is widely respected and loved. Return to us when you feel stronger.

    When you revisit this website decision, I think you need to ask yourself whether you can be as effective in carrying out your original blogging goals by going private. Of course, the other side of that coin is the cost to you when confronted by the next troll. From what I’ve seen here during the last few months, your Internet tribe is unconditionally loving and supportive – so we will be okay with whatever decision you need to make. Your needs are paramount here. Big hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Very wonderful advice. I am not remembering what I post from day to day anyway so I do believe it is best I stay away from social media until I have fully recovered from the seizure. I am stocking up on pictures though. Today my husband and I just got back a walk and the sun looked like a fire. It was breathtaking.
      My goals on my blog will not be met if it is private. I had someone contact me today and say that she wanted it to stay public because she anonymously follows me and wants to keep it that way and if she has to sign in then others will know. That touched my heart and broke it a little just to know that there are those who read my blog and it helps them but they are wanting to do it privately. And they should! So it needs to stay public

      Liked by 2 people

    • The way my husband worded it to me is that if I went to a foot ball game of 100,000 people there will be 100 rapists. There will be 100 abusers. There will be 100 criminals of different kinds because the more people you have the higher number of bad you will get but also the higher number of good. So increasing my followers may bring along a troll or 2 but it also brings along 200 people that are stand up phenomenal human beings that I will be blessed to have in my life.

      Liked by 2 people

    • I’ve had multiple abusers and they all had similar traits. Since I have been on this blog I have read so many stories of women and men who have been abused and we all seem to share the same emotions and go through the same process in healing just different stages along the way. I love that survivors have others to validate them on wordpress and give understanding especially after so many of us have had family members play a huge role in the continuing victimization!!!

      Liked by 1 person

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