I started my blog 2 years ago. I started my blog with the clear intention of helping and supporting other women who have been victims of sexual abuse.
That is still my intention. I will not censor my voice because of bullies. I will address bullies in another blog.
Last night after reading a post I made my blog private…or rather I tried to.
My blog, unfortunately, in private setting, did not work. I was not getting the notifications that my friends said that they were sending for approval. So it shall remain public until I can figure out how the private setting works.
Now, as a woman who has been raped, I have no time for the one who wrote this post. As a person who has just been recovering from 5 seizures, I have no time for individuals like this.
As a survivor of rape there is a part of me that wants to tell you all, the followers of my blog, the entire truth, line by line to what this post is saying and how slanderous and full of lies it is. I never once mentioned “his” name in my blog posts, ever. Yet he claims to have contacted an attorney who says I have written slander. Good try buddy. You have to actually use someone’s name and I never mentioned this person’s name. Just because he assumes it is him…well…guilty much…because I never named anyone. Just tried to warn the ladies of wordpress that social media is not a safe place and we need to be wary. I stand by that. I could go into great detail about how each line he has written is a lie and why. I could. But I will not. If I did, then I would be a victim trying to convince people of the truth. I did that before. I have lived that life. I have tried to tell my story of abuse and tried to convince those in my family of the details to no avail with them. So I am beyond the need, although it is stilll slightly there, to justify anything to anyone.
If you know me, as most of my followers of 2 years do, you will need no words from me in regards to this post and his allegations. I will say that attacking someone’s mental health…it is a very very low human being. I hate to even give him an air time but since his name is, again, not mentioned, then who is to say who I am actually even referring to! But someone has targeted me here on wordpress. He is not the first and won’t be the last. Wait. He is the first. But there will be others. The truth is not often easy to hear especially if you have underlying guilt.
As for my “tribe” I will forever be with the women of my tribe that have formed a bond of surviving the horrific and horrendous acts of abusers. I use the word tribe as it is meant to be used. That being said, I am also from a Jewish tribe. There are and I am a part of many tribes. My husband and daughter being another.
So as to end my blog on a positive note and not give another second of my life to someone who does not deserve it I will move along.
Yesterday I went for the most glorious walk EVER.
This is what I found:
I saw a white flicker of a tail. Then I stopped. There was one deer. I didn’t move. Then another. Then 2 other. I took a few pictures and then I put my camera down. I sat and watched them. They were majestic. But they were skitish. I watched them with great interest. They only had one moment of calm as they ate off of the ground. Then they jerked their heads up and looked around frantically. They checked on each other. Then looked around at their surroundings. Then went back to eating. This behavior continued. They reminded me so GREATLY of PTSD that I was astounded. They were hypervigilant. They wanted to make sure at every moment they were safe. Are some of the symptoms of PTSD innate? Like the deer? I pondered this as I watched them. Then I stopped pondering and just listened. I closed my eyes and could hear them munching and walking. I opened my eyes and there were two little rabbits. OH MY GOSH they were so adorable. One was reaching out his neck to try and grab some clover and the other was just milling about. They looked at me but didn’t stop what they were doing. They all seemed to notice me but not be scared of me. It was not until a car came by that all of them dashed off.
There will always be villains, naysayers, doubters, and just straight up bad people in this world. We have all encountered them. I have had my fair share of them from repeated sexual abuse as a child to a sexual assault as an adult. Not to mention the plain and simple unpleasant people that just pop up here and there. THEY HOLD ONLY THE WEIGHT YOU GIVE THEM. PTSD does not always allow me to balance out the heavy weight of abusers. But with others that appear in my life and try and hurt me I have the ability to give them no weight. What bears weight in my life right now is the love of my husband. The love of my daughter. The beauty in all of God’s creation. The weight of these deer and these little bunnies FAR outweighs the negativity of one man or many men.
I implore you to find the beauty. It is there. Focus on it. The moments I spent with these animals was profoundly peaceful, powerful, and restoring to my soul. Restoring my body and soul after the seizures and while managing PTSD are my top priorities. I will not be shut down. If I could survive a rape, a child molester, and a family who abandoned me, a muscle disease, a bone disease, seizures, etc, then I can survive some slanderous words. Really. They hold no weight here.