Last night I must say was a challenging night for me. I was looking at my reader and going through all of the #metoo. I read them until there were no more to read. I read every story. You can see the time stamp at 2:51am. I had read through over a hundred stories for hours. Please hang with me through this post. I have a lesson I want to share that is crucial to healing from abuse.
Then I saw a #metoo written by “The Militant Negro.” He used the #metoo hashtag to question my integrity. He used it to doubt the abuse I have endured. He used it to hurt, hate, insult, and belittle. He says that everyone I have named to have abused me could not even be legitimate. He claims this based on the fact that he believes when I wrote a blog post, which he screen shotted, to warn women of online predators, that I was naming him. I have NEVER used his name in ANY blog until right now this moment. He made an assumption, ran with it, slandered me, and blatantly put me down for my mental health diagnosis.
I have never slandered ANYONE on my blog.
I have never called this man a “predator” EVER.
I have never used his name in any blog post.
Why he has targeted me, I do not know.
I read that he used the #metoo to further his own agenda to intentionally inflict personal harm against me and I am not ok with this.
#metoo is for women who have been raped, sexually abused, terrorized, held hostage by a man, been sexually assaulted, or violated. I have had all of these things happen to me. I have written in my blog for 2 years now about the terror, absolute terror brought to me by men against my will. To use the #metoo in the way he is using it to question my life is a disgrace to EVERY WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN RAPED.
I was molested and raped throughout my childhood. I finally after 45 years have the courage to speak and a man thinks it is ok to target me in this way? Based on his assumptions that are completely inaccurate.
So I read his #metoo that I stumbled upon while reading REAL stories of women raped. I felt sick. My daughter looked over at me and said, ” Mom you don’t look ok are you going to have a seizure?” I was. I took extra meds. I had no feeling in my legs. I had heat radiating in my face and I saw shooting stars all over my room. AKA aura to those who have seizures. The seizure was coming. After everything I have been through in my life and now I am reading a man has written about me disparagingly on his blog and disgraced the very foundation of what I have based my life on, the truth. Disgraced other women who have written their souls out on their blogs, twitter, etc.
I shared this with my friend who read it and said, “Bethany, do not give this one ounce of your time. His claims that you are obsesssed or attracted to him show he is NOT ok.” I didn’t actually read that far. But she showed me. He says that I am somehow attracted to him! I thought I was going to throw up.
I am madly in love with my husband. I always have been. I always will be. It makes me sick to read the words of this “Militant negro.” Sick. It is sickening. How can a person claim I have slandered them when I have never uttered their name?
I am sharing this for a reason. I have a reason for everything I put on this blog and it is to help other women. It will ALWAYS BE TO HELP OTHER WOMEN.
The words that are written about me are merely words. They made me sick on many levels. Bullies have that kind of temporary power. I have been bullied before. I know the feeling well. At 17 years old I tried to end my life due to this kind of bullying that questioned the abuse I had endured. It is hard when someone writes something like this to not go back into a PTSD state or a suicidal state because of the reminders of persecution and doubt over life changing events. To doubt the abuse I endured? Who DOES that? Only a monster. I’ve had my share of monsters. Making fun of my mental health? Who does that? A monster. An absolute monster. A roach.
There are cruel people in this world. Those who revictimize like he is doing are sometimes worse than the abusers themselves.
I know what the real #metoo was meant for. It was for all of the women of the world to come together and speak their truth, which I have done for 2 years now on my blog. You can use the #metoo if you have felt that feeling that all women using the hashtag have felt.
YOU CANNOT USE #metoo TO REVICTIMIZE WOMEN. IF YOU DO YOU ARE A MONSTER.
It took a lot of courage for me to write about the things that have happened to me. To write about my anxiety. To write about my mental health. There is a lot of stigma. He has shown EXACTLY WHY WOMEN DO NOT SPEAK.
There is a lesson here though. It is a huge lesson. I must share it. There will always be the whispers, the gossipers, the liars, those who jump on the bandwagon against you for speaking your truth. There will always be those who will doubt you. There will always be those who choose the bad over the good, who choose the abuser and not you. YOU CANNOT LET THEM WIN.
I had a man push me to wishing I were dead at 17 years old. After repeated molestations, after then being raped, then sexually assaulted yet again. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. I speak about the things that happened to me because I was silenced by the abusers and their supporters for most of my life. So, yes, I am human, I allowed this “militant negro” to affect me last night. It caught me off guard. I was not expecting to see this as I was reading the metoo stories.
Today I am here to share with you that there will ALWAYS be people like him. They are out there. Maybe on social media, maybe in your family, maybe your own friends. There will be someone who will doubt you and SHAME YOU. They will try. DON’T LET THEM. They only have that power if you give it to them. Their words will just fly away in the wind. They mean nothing.
I’ve been through rape. I have been through terror of a man holding me in a garage with a gun sexually assaulting me. That was real. I survived. Everything after…the opionions, the questions, the shame others try to put on you, you must NOT LISTEN TO. THEY DON”T MATTER. It may feel like they do. Especially if it is your own family. It hurts. After you are already hurt and an open wound.
Just remember… the shame lies on them and not you.
Any human being willing to revictimize, secondary victimization, to a woman who has been raped is put so simply, a monster. A roach. Not worthy of your time. You are a warrior who has made it through hell.
If a roach happens to come your way, just step on it and keep moving forward. Please. They are not worth it. Carry your survivor badge proudly and know in your heart that those who truly know you, GOD, knows the truth about you and your life. Little roaches will scurry about. You won’t be expecting it and one scurries across the floor. You are like “wait I sprayed for those already.” You are like “ahhhhh what crevice did you come out of?” The roaches catch you off guard. Sometimes the even fly! Those are the most terrifying ones!!!!!! They will fly right at you and you want to just cower and squeeze your eyes shut hoping it moves along. You can make a choice. You can ignore the roach and hope it goes away. You can squash the roach. But know where there is one roach, there will be others.
It can’t be about the roaches, the monsters, the revictimizers. It has to be about you. Know yourself. Those words may initially hurt because we are human!!! But what you do with it after is very important. Stick with those who have your back. Stick with those who encourage you, uplift you, believe you, validate you, and love you. If you picture the words that hurt you as a roach it can put it in a better perspective. Would you engage a roach? Would you defend yourself or waste time, or lose sleep, or cut yourself, or contemplate suicide, over a roach?!!!! NOOO. Then don’t do it for a selfless person who cannot see you and what has happened to you. Don’t give the roach power over your thoughts. They aren’t worth it!!! Trust me. I have experience. For all you young girls reading this. I am writing for you. Bundle up those words you have heard and throw them away. Stomp them out. You deserve to be heard. You matter. Anyone treating you like you don’t matter is the one in the wrong, anyone blaming you, questioning you, doubting you, is in the wrong…always remember…that is THEIR SHAME. Not yours. You have no shame. You are innocent. You did nothing wrong. Your story matters. I have read them. I have heard them. I stand by you. The roaches…have no power. The good has power. We survived. We have the power to persevere. It’s going to be okay. Just keep their words in the right perspective and you will be okay. I will be right here with you!