I cried over a tree and I’m ok with that. 

12 years ago we bought land to build our house on. We took down the trees that were exactly where the driveway and house would be only. We replanted every tree we took down. We mostly replanted flowering trees.

One day, we stopped by to see how the progression of our house was going and we saw all of the trees across from us had been cut down. It was a forest, just like our acre. They cut down every tree but 3. I cried. It felt like they had murdered innocent lives. And that is just how I am.

I feel deeply. I am sensitive and I do not apologize for it. I am empathetic and I embrace it. It pains me when animals, humans, nature suffers. It always has. Since I was a little girl, I have always been this way.

On the back path between our neighborhood and the one behind us sat two maple trees. They were beautiful. I went under them countless times. They reached across the path and wrapped around each other.

One day the tree on the right was just gone. Why? It was healthy. It was near no one’s home. But it got chopped down and not even a stump remained to show it ever existed. But I remembered it. I still do. There was still a tree on the left though. It seemed unbalanced with just this one tree but after a number of years I got used to it. Some time ago, I obviously cannot recall when, someone tried to chop down THIS tree. I believe I wrote some poems about it but since my memory issues I have not been able to look back at the time this happened. But every day I drove my wheelchair past this tree and saw the lines from the chainsaw. It pained me. And yet I would look up to those green leaves and see that it was surviving. Someone tried to kill it, pondered killing it, attempted to kill it, and it survived. Those green leaves and long branches stood tall and vibrant. It gave me strength.

Today I went for a walk with my husband and I went around the corner and my heart dropped. Tears came to my eyes. All that was there was a stump.

Some of it’s leaves had blown down the path. Some were still a little green while others were already brown. My heart felt broken. I repeatedly said “NO!” My husband, being the optimist said, ” Maybe some green will grow back.” Ok my memory is not great so he said something close to that that was inspirational. But my heart was already crying. My inspirational tree had been killed.

I connected to the tree. It was as if it had withstood so much abuse and still tried until finally someone had to just take that final blow. I have felt this way. Like people have chopped away at me intentionally hurting me and I have kept standing, kept surviving, kept the brightness as alive as I can. But what do we do when someone finally just chops us down? Will the green grow back? Or will the stump be ground up.

Fortunately, we are not trees! We can fight back. We can say no. We can create boundaries of protection. We can survive even after horrific attacks on our body. We can withstand loss and crime and hate and bullying and rape and still not let life give the final blow. We can persevere.

The chopped down tree broke my heart because I am just sensitive that way. Always have been. Always will be. I am ok with who I am. I am proud of who I am. I cried over a tree. Imagine how my heart feels over human and animal suffering and death. Yeah. And yet, because of my ability to feel and my awareness of other’s suffering, I will fight for them. I will fight against those who try to “chop down”  a life by whatever tactic of attack they choose to use. I will fight for the innocent and the victims and I will stand with them. In my fragile heart there is fierce firey protection for those who need safety. I am not ashamed that I cried over a tree. I am not ashamed of any part of who I am. I actually love who I am as a human being. I wonder, as I sit here, are others proud of their character, their hearts and souls? Do others accept who they are at the core of their being and cherish themselves. I hope so. I see the beauty around me and the beauty in others. I hope they can see it in themselves. I hope they don’t, I hope you don’t allow the choppers of the world to change who you are. They don’t deserve it. You matter. Please believe that you do.

16 thoughts on “I cried over a tree and I’m ok with that. 

    • Did you write that in your blog? Someone wrote they were upset over a tree and I felt for them strongly. Sorry my memory is still a little sketchy!
      But I am so sorry!
      To see it just down when it was up so tall and strong just breaks my heart.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Wait, I commented on yours because I saw your post and thought oh my God this happened to me yesterday when I found out. I haven’t seen it yet but we’re going to visit my grandparents in December and I’m dreading it. I have always gotten attached to trees and the loss feels like the loss of a friend 😭 I’m sorry you’ve experienced this too. I really like you blog!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ok so you commented on my post! Sorry. Really my memory is still off. Sorry!
        I become very attached too.
        I planted 2 trees . I wrote a blog about it somewhere years ago. Outside my daughter’s bedroom window. Given to me by a man that ended up being a very bad human being. In a moment I wanted to take those trees down because they reminded me of him. Then I walked out and touched them and thought WHAT! I’m not going to punish these precious trees because a bad man purchased them!!! So there they grow and I love them and they remind me that good can come from bad.
        I immediately cried over the tree that was cut down.
        Well. Someone , I swear , wrote that a treee was cut down yesterday too and they were very upset. Or maybe that is just my own tree!!!! Yeah. One day my brain will be sorted. They said 6 months…so I wait. Thank you for liking my blog and commenting. I really appreciate that!

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m so glad you didn’t cut down the other tree. And that is a really good message! Yeah people always say to me 3 weeks, 6 months etc. Especially when trying new depression meds. I am off them now because they didn’t work. Not doing any worse without! What about you?


      • The seizure meds have kept the seizures away thank heavens. All of the other meds I stopped. The antidepressants and anti anxiety and all of those made everything worse. I am actually sleeping better OFF of them than I was on them. I think they were causing way up and downs. I’m just happy to not be having seizures right now. I tried antidepressants for one year. Off and on this one and that one. One made me manic. One made me suicidal. One made me stay awake for 4 days. None worked. So at least I am now not having seizures!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • It is so hard isn’t it! You go in with symptoms and then the meds cause more symptoms and then you treat those! So frustrating. But yeah. For now no seizures and you know the seizures caused great anxiety and fear and worsened the PTSD so now that that is under control maybe the other things will calm down some

        Liked by 1 person

      • I hope they will. For me because I don’t have an underlying physical condition, being without meds seems best as I can at least tell what’s what and know it’s not the meds causing more trouble. That said, things haven’t exactly improved without them either.

        Liked by 1 person

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