Blessings in disguise 

Twenty days have passed since I had had 5 seizures that left me unconscious and subsequently in the ER. They have left me with sticky notes all over the house, a dry erase board, notes on my ipad, a running list on a note pad next to my bed. Some of my long term memory, some of my short term memory was just wiped out. I am surrounded by little reminders of what I did 5 minutes ago/12 hours ago/ 1 week ago.. I thought the seizures were the absolute worst thing that could happen to me. In the past they have made me feel helpless and vulnerable, bringing up PTSD feelings and sending me into a panic tailspin into a dark place of fear. That was then. This is now. 

Now, I have been put on a seizure medication that actually works! I have had no seizures in 20 days. It doesn’t feel like 20 days. Probably due to the memory loss. It feels like it happened a few days ago. Just like I still cannot remember my hair got cut and I wake up every day shocked at where on earth my hair went!!!!!!!! 

I am remembering little bits and pieces of my life. It is coming slowly. 

I think the seizures were actually a blessing. In disguise. They gave my body, my mind, my emotions, a break from the past, and the present. As I start to remember I am challenging myself to not become overwhelmed with ALL of it. Because in reality ALL of it is really hard to process. So I am going moment to moment. I am breathing. I am not allowing the weight of memories to bury me. I do believe they tried to bury me before. I am trying my best to find the blessings even if they are very disguised! And when something comes back to my mind that was utterly devastating, I am trying to not let it to fully come into my present. Small doses of the past are all I think any of us should have to handle. Trying…

18 thoughts on “Blessings in disguise 

    • Thank you! It’s funny because I forgot I had a muscle disease for a DAY and tried to move the couch and was like hmmm this is really hurting my legs. Oh right I have a muscle disease. It has been a very interesting few weeks! I like that my recovery is slow and steady. I had a TON of labs done yesterday to follow up and make sure no damage was done to my muscles and look for underlying causes of the seizures. But I am moving forward. Thank you for the support! Greatly appreciated!

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  1. Praying for your health and wholeness sweet friend. I’ll also be keeping an eye out for your new blog. Sorry for all these speed bumps and barriers. Each day is another chance to reclaim our peace. Much love and gratitude for your strength and your honesty.

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    • Well, i have hit stumbling blocks on my new blog and my brain is not capable of sorting through it yet. Needs more time to heal before I over stress it. So I will be around a bit longer. I will let you know when I figure out the new one.
      Thanks for the support and well wishes!!!!!
      Maybe I should just speed up and start jumping the speed bumps instead of slowing down for them…hmmm you have given me inspiration

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  2. You are an amazing person and someone I should copy in looking in mindfulness at the beauty of life. I work hard at not leaving my apartment, but I do know the birds here by sitting on my balcony and watching them year by year.

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  3. Beautiful. I love it. I love you so much and I’m so proud of you. You are so strong and so brave. You are an inspiration. You have people trying to hurt you and bring you down, but you come being stronger than ever and you will continue to move forward with your awesomeness. I’m always here for you and I’ve always got your back. Always. Take care!!

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    • Thank you!!!!! I am so happy about this medication. NO meds have EVER worked for me or I’ve been allergic or they made something else work. This has been very very much a relief to go THIS long without a seizure. I’ve lived with small seizures for about 15 years now

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  4. I can’t imagine the sensation of the memory loss and then small things coming back. I am glad they aren’t derailing you. You are strong and maybe stronger for all that happened.

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