Twenty days have passed since I had had 5 seizures that left me unconscious and subsequently in the ER. They have left me with sticky notes all over the house, a dry erase board, notes on my ipad, a running list on a note pad next to my bed. Some of my long term memory, some of my short term memory was just wiped out. I am surrounded by little reminders of what I did 5 minutes ago/12 hours ago/ 1 week ago.. I thought the seizures were the absolute worst thing that could happen to me. In the past they have made me feel helpless and vulnerable, bringing up PTSD feelings and sending me into a panic tailspin into a dark place of fear. That was then. This is now.
Now, I have been put on a seizure medication that actually works! I have had no seizures in 20 days. It doesn’t feel like 20 days. Probably due to the memory loss. It feels like it happened a few days ago. Just like I still cannot remember my hair got cut and I wake up every day shocked at where on earth my hair went!!!!!!!!
I am remembering little bits and pieces of my life. It is coming slowly.
I think the seizures were actually a blessing. In disguise. They gave my body, my mind, my emotions, a break from the past, and the present. As I start to remember I am challenging myself to not become overwhelmed with ALL of it. Because in reality ALL of it is really hard to process. So I am going moment to moment. I am breathing. I am not allowing the weight of memories to bury me. I do believe they tried to bury me before. I am trying my best to find the blessings even if they are very disguised! And when something comes back to my mind that was utterly devastating, I am trying to not let it to fully come into my present. Small doses of the past are all I think any of us should have to handle. Trying…