I remembered today some things that I really wish I never would have remembered. Why do I go for my mindful walks? Why do I go in search of the things that brighten my day and intrigue my mind? I have to balance the bad with the good. For me that may be like today searching for seeds and buds. New life. Today that was looking for raindrops, more raindrops from last night’s rain. Then I went to the prairie with no real intention other than getting out of my own head. I needed to get out of my mind.
Do you know what the alternatives are?
Remembering that I was molested when I was 11. Remembering that man. Remembering that 2 years ago my entire family chose NOT ME. They chose denial. Remembering that I am battling a fight that I may not win when it comes to this physical body with this muscle disease and bone disease. Remembering the individuals who stood against me instead of with me. The realization that a little girl, me, had her childhood stolen and is STILL trying to recover from the gravity and reality of that. I don’t want to remember these things but I know they will keep coming. I noticed today that the quilt on my bed was not my own. Where was the one my mother gave me? I asked. I gave it away because it broke my heart to see it and know my mother had broken my heart. Where was my brother? I asked. He said many cruel things on his way out. Where are some of those friends that I had? Oh right. ” Your standards are too high,” I remembered her saying. Really? So, because I won’t compromise my own integrity? Because I won’t let you hurt me, blame me, deny my feelings then MY standards are too high? No honey. You HAVE NO STANDARDS. But I remember. Because I don’t compromise then I am the bad guy? No! I would rather have a few people in my life who respect me than tons of people who do not value me. These challenges. The little comments that fill my brain, “ Well I don’t like short hair on women but it looks good on you.” Really? Because I don’t remember asking what you FELT about the hair women should have. And I don’t like jerks and you just reminded me how ignorant and judgmental people are and how they just look for the chance to tear you down. This coming from a BALD MAN. It’s okay. I don’t judge you because you are bald. But you decided that I was ONE of the ones that could “pull off” short hair. So these thoughts run through my mind along with a thousand other thoughts. My daughter, me, oh and a million other thoughts. I could sit with these thoughts. This life. I am thrown right back into the depths and I could easily drown. I believe I was close to drowning before. So my lifeboat? My lifejacket? Looking for a rose bud today with a raindrop.
What are the alternatives? Let the past rule me? Or try my hardest to live in the right now and embrace all the good I can find! I choose to at least try to fight for the good.
Some things are out of my control. Far out of my control. I know I cannot change the flashbacks or the memories. I cannot fix my health right now. I cannot stop the pain in my legs, my dilated pupil, my toes from curling under, the ache in my shin bones. I cannot alter those things.
BUT I can step outside. At least today I can. I can find a rose bud with a rain drop. So that is exactly what I did. The alternative? Being stuck with the trauma that I cannot seem to get away from. Thoughts that I have not quite learned to control. So raindrops it is.
Later I felt this pull to go out on the prairie. I cannot tell you why. I stood in the middle of the road in the prairie. I looked at the storm coming. The sprinkles started falling and I watched the sun setting with the dark clouds surrounding it. I “felt” I needed to turn around. I did. There was a rainbow. I immediately called out “LAURA!!!!” Then my knees buckled and I sobbed and sobbed. Laura was my very best friend. We rode horses when we were in the 3rd grade, rode the bus together, ran from her mean bull together. And a number of years ago we embraced on my couch as she was dying of cancer and she was praying for ME to be strong and giving me the love only Laura seemed to know how to give.
I remembered my sweet Laura was gone. The rainbow was hers. It always was. It was a way to remember her. And there she was in that rainbow.
See I have had extreme challenges, and extreme loss. I have also had extreme love! The love of my friend Laura that has gone unmatched by anyone! The love of my dog that also passed away. The continuing love of my husband and daughter. The love is stronger than the loss. The love is stronger than the pain. The love is that rainbow.
I’m going to upload all of the pictures I took. Normally I describe all of them for my visually impaired friends. I will try and go back and do that later but wordpress keeps locking up so I am quick pressing publish before it closes.
I stood sobbing in the middle of the dirt road looking at that rainbow and I knew that I was not alone and I never would be. The good. The Laura’s, will always outweigh the bad. Always.